In a post about Dobson's book memmber Roll Me Away writes: "Like Dr. Harley, he says do NOT cry, plead, beg, or look weak. He says even though you feel this way, don't do it, because he feels affairs are a way the wayward S shows lack of respect for the betrayed. Looking and acting needy makes them respect you even less. Really getting on with your life MIGHT make them realize what they will lose and maybe want to come back."<P>I just finished reading SAA and didn't catch that specific advice. I understand the logic and have tried to do this. But so far I have had a tough time "faking" not being devastated. Any suggestions? And is there other advice from Dr. Harley that I need to access above and beyond SAA?<BR>

You might want to check out the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. It is my favorite on the subject of restoring a marriage after an affair. It has a very detailed plan for getting the unfaithful spouse to give the marriage a sincere effort. There is also good information in After the Affair by Janis Spring.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

I found some of my best Plan A carry-through ideas in:<BR>LOVE LIFE by Wheat<BR>DIVORCE BUSTING by Weiner-Davis<BR>YOUR HUSBAND'S MIDLIFE CRISIS by Conway<BR>HOW TO GET YOUR LOVER BACK by Harris<P>Then for meeting needs:<BR>HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS by Harley<BR>THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES by Chapman<P>If it makes you feel any better, I've cried through most everything, the good & the bad, the tragic & the happy. Most times I don't sob and my lips don't shake, but I can't keep tears from forming and sliding down my face. It isn't necessarily the kiss of death. It didn't keep my H from coming home.<P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

You didn't miss this in SAA. It's not specifically mentioned. Those of us who have done counseling through the Harley's program can let you know that you should attempt to keep crying to a minimum, and don't beg or plead (they're selfish demands).<P>You shouldn't need to "fake" not being devestated. But one way to help lessen the feeling of devestation is to start working with a plan that can help you take control of the things you CAN CONTROL. Like your behaviors and the condition of your marriage. That's the essence of Plan A. In plan A, you can be completely honest with your spouse---you can tell them that you don't approve of the affair, and it's the most difficult thing you've ever had to deal with. But be sure to temper this honesty in a way that doesn't bring lovebusters into the picture (selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, and angry outbursts).<P>And for the record, I cried a ton too. But I tried to keep most of it to myself---there's no good reason to drag a wayward spouse into that pity party. It's unlikely to have the desired effect if you've "outed" the affair and they haven't immediately ended it.<P>