Following my last post regarding my decision to inform OM's W of my W's affair with her H,<BR>my W has become very angry with me.<P>This is probably understandable (although still perverse) as I have effectively "burst the bubble" of their affair. <P>In the last 3 days she has managed to find herself a house to rent (she has been staying with friends for the last 8 weeks since D-Day).<P>Also yesterday, whilst I was at work, she decided to tell our kids that she no longer lived at home (we had been passing off the separation as Mummy working different hours). She told the kids that she still loved them and that they should be "good" for Daddy when staying with me. (They have stayed with me every night since D-Day)<P>She has also told them that they will soon be able to stay with Mummy some nights "if they want to" as she now has a new house.<P>I do not have a problem with her having the kids stay over, I am just concerned that she does not try and make it a permanent arrangement (i.e. every night). I believe that the kids should see us equally and as such I would not want to be the sole parent (as I have been for most of the last 8 weeks). However I would rather be the sole parent than one that never sees their kids or only sees them at the weekend.<P>I spoke to her today and asked why she felt the need to speak to the children in my absence. She just said that they needed to know.<P>When I asked her about whether she would see the kids this weekend, she replied that she would but she would be taking them out as she did not want to be "sitting around the house with you (me)"<P>Is this typical behaviour for a WS. I was all geared towards trying to Plan A and be pleasant where possible, but she seems to be totally angry with me at present.<P>As I said earlier, I fully expected my actions in telling OM's W would have some initially negative effects for me. Is this what I am experiencing now?<P>Any advice or suggestions would be gratefully appreciated.<P><BR>HarryHat

Harry,<P>I think her anger right now is perfectly normal. You changed the rules of her fun little game, and now she's pouting, and quite frankly I think trying to punish you a bit. <P>She was so wrong telling the kids without you there, or evening knowing she was going to. That is something that should have been done together, and discussed first. She did that because she wants HER side told, and that's it.<P>If I were you, since you said that you have a bit of a fear of her just taking the kids and moving them in with her, I would get a legal seperation agreement. This might tick her off even more, but when there are children involved, I think you have to do things to legally protect your rights. Until there is a legal agreement outlining custody and visitation, she can take them at any time she wants, and does not have to give them back or give you visitation until you get her in court. And at that point she would probably get to keep them, and you would be left with visitation.<P>If your plan was to Plan A, then do it. Don't let her new house, her attitude, or anything else get in your way. Be happy, be busy, be the nicest, most agreeable guy you can be. It will infuiate her!!! lol

From my experience these are fairly normal reactions to a good Plan A. What is happening is you are rewriting the rules of the game and they just don’t match up with her previous expectations of your reaction. She was probably expecting you to pop and supply her with some reinforcing ammunition to justify her actions. Don’t be surprised if you are told/shown that you are the reason for all of problems in her life right now. Just do a good Plan A, be a generally nice guy and ask her why she is upset with you. Hang in there, this is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. <P>Good Luck!<BR>

How old are the children?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Chris<P>We have 2 children, a son age 6 and a daughter age 3.<P>My daughter is really a little too young to understand what is going on, but my son is now well aware of the fact that Mummy doesn't live her anymore.<P>Thanks<P><BR>HarryHat<BR>

HarryHat,<P>This reaction is not surprising. You pulled the foundation out from her house of cards. Her telling the kids is a nasty and thoughtless act on her part, so like others have said, she's trying to do whatever she can to control the situation, punish you, and tell her side of the story.<P>I also think you should get a separation agreement together as quickly as possible, because if she leaves with them, doesn't come back, goes to a judge, she can get sole custody, and the fact that you've been there with them for so long may not help you. I would face a similar fate if this happened. At least go and see a lawyer and get some advice so you are prepared and acting in the best manner possible for the sake of the kids.<P>Keep Plan Aing, even though it is hard with her being angry and gone away. You need her to remember good things, and see that you are a great person. Eventually she'll calm down, most likely, and you need to be the safe haven, the best place for her, so she wants to return.<P>The apartment seems drastic, but mine bought a house, but I tend to chalk it up to their current state of mind. We just went that route because if it ever ended up being permanent, I wanted the best for my kids, since we'd have joint custody, and when she showed me this house, I figured it was better than the other options. So in summary, her moving doesnt' mean it is over. Lots end up moving back eventually.<P>Unfortunately, this crap is what we have to deal with. She is in a snit fit though, based on her telling the kids, and her reactions, responses to you. Keep us posted on what is happening. But I think all you can do now is Plan A the best you can. Sometimes I tell my wife during bad conversations, at the end, something like "I love you and I am fully committed to our marriage, and I will not be giving up on us." Mine will say things like "you'll find someone else". I always respond that I am not looking for anyone else, that I am committed to us. Since she won't respond anyway, I usually wrap it up by saying that "that is how I feel, so you have a good evening/day or whatever". At least if nothing else, it puts thoughts into their head, and must blow them away that we continue to focus on the marriage. Nothing says I'm doing it right, but I try anyway.<P>I wish you the best. Hang in there and know that many of us are experiencing the same roller coaster, but each one of us is at a different phase of the ride at any given time. Take care.

If your wife has chosen to take this course there is nothing you can do to change her mind. I would stop pursuing her and discussing your relationship with her. Don't phone or visit her. Take this time to work on yourself and learn how to become a better person. Go out and socialize with people. Buy yourself a new wardrobe. Work out at the gym. Let her see that you are ready to move on with your life with or without her. A good website which I recommend is <A HREF="http://www.weiner-davis.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.weiner-davis.com/</A>

I have 5 kids of my own, and there is no man in this world that would be more important to me than them. If she would rathe leave on her own without them then they need to be in a stable home instead of going back and forth. Take custody of them on your own and give them the understanding that they need because they are going to be very confused as to why Mommy doesn't live there anymore.

Harry,<P>I'm so sorry for you...<P>You will have the urge to try and keep the children away from the OM...<P>...you'll probably be able to do it for a while (although it will be a LB)...<P>...but in the long run (if she files for a deivorce or separation)... there is little for you can do...<BR>...since she is no longer living with you.<P>Talk to the kids alot...<BR>...even the 3 year old.<P>Make sure they know you love them...<BR>...and there is no chance that they will be abandoned<BR>...this is a huge fear of your children...<BR>...consider counseling for them.<P> <P>Jim

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>there is no man in this world that would be more important to me than them<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>But this is what distinguishes people who leave their spouses for the OP from everyone else, included both betrayed spouses and betrayers who don't leave. I can not imagine trading my children for another man, and I can not fathom how any parent could. Parents who leave their children do divorce them. In the vast majority of cases, within a year or two, they see their children infrequently - and this in almost entirely a function of how badly the OP wants to eradicate their previous life.