Well tonight is the night I find out how anxious W is to divorce. My attorney called to let me know the paperwork is ready for me to take home.<P>I can see that this is going to be one of the hardest times of my life, at least since my son died.<P>I can't go on with the uncertainty and I hope that actually seeing the papers will shake her into some form of normal consciousness and out of her fantasy world.<P>Oh, well, life's a ***** and then you die.......

I hope your W makes the right decision. I did, and although it hasn't been easy, it was the best thing I've done for my marriage in years! <P>Best wishes to you tonight...

Well, I let her know the papers were there in the house and at least she didn't run over me to get them. She didn't even look at them, but told me it would be next week before she could see an attorney.<P>She is still riding my case about being able to spend time alone. She keeps telling me I am keeping her from doing that. I don't understand this because we both know that I cannot prevent her from doing *anything*. I only told her that I could more easily deal with it if we could work together first to open up communication which would increase my trust level. She sees this as my putting conditions on and trying to control her.<P>I am so frustrated. I really feel like I am trying to reach some kind of compromise that will maximize benefits for both of us. I really get tired of being told constantly that I am preventing her from doing things. She can do whatever she wants. It's only things that are incompatible with marriage that I object to.<P>She does seem to feel the need for my approval or acceptance of things and when I don't readily offer that, I am accused of "preventing" her from doing things.<P>Have any of you done or experienced anything like this?

Heartpain,<BR>I guess my W sees the same thing. I too am seperated and she is out " doing her own thing " but I fear that they are incompatible with marriage. Any time I try to connect she thinks that I am trying to control her... What's up with that ? All I want is to make a connection at any level with her so we can start rebuilding.... But I guess it's easier for them to avoid than to deal with this head on.<P>I wish I had some answers for you but I'm in the same boat as you...... Wishing us both luck.<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

Rutger -<P>Isn't that just the darnedest thing? I liked the way you phrased that:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>All I want is to make a connection at any level with her<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I have explained this to her and it seems to make her pull away further. She just accuses me of trying to make her think the way I want her to or do the things I want her to. I keep reiterating that she is free to do/think what she wants. She appears to want to stay married and have me accept anything she does without question or with approval.<P>I really believe that I could give her the freedom she feels she needs if she would just compromise a little. I keep telling her that but it has no effect.<P>Anyway, I have followed your posts since early on. We have somewhat similar situations and you really seem to have started to get a handle on yourself. Probably better than me. Just keep it up, maintain your self-respect and do what you feel is right.<P>I probably can't be much help to you, but I will be here if you need it.<P>

My H told me so many times he felt like he had chains on him and a short leash around his neck. This was because I expected a courtesy call when he was late or if he was going out and I expected him to spend some of his free time with me and the three kids.<P>I never wanted to prevent him from doing anything (well, except the affair). I just craved his attention so much and he could not see how much I wanted to be with him.<P>Amazingly he has come to his senses. I am not sure what really did it. I threatened to leave and move back home a thousand miles away. That did not really do it until I called my father and he was on his way to help me move. It was like there was this huge transformation that took place and he knew he better wake up and make some fast changes or he was going to lose his whole family. I am glad he did. He does not look at it like I am trying to be his mother. He now recognizes that it is out of respect that you do these things and treat your wife a certain way. I have always given him the same courtesy. I told him he did not have to do them, but I was not going to stay in a relationship where there was no respect or consideration.<P>The best of luck to you. Remember that God will do what is best for you and your family. There is a reason for all of this and some day it will become clear (hopefully sooner than later).

Cracker -<P>When I try to get her to talk, she tells me that I do not respect her as a person, that I show her no respect at all. I haven't been asking for any details of the affair, just trying to see what her feelings are as to the things I would like or what I offer to do to facilitate what she wants.<P>It hurts and is frustrating to be told that because I want to know these things and ask, that I am being disrespectful. I do have a tendency to probe, as an example, if she does not respond or answer a question, I try to find out why responding is a problem. I don't accuse, just ask. My temper has been pretty well under control and I use a soft friendly voice to talk even though I sometimes feel enraged at her silence.<P>My therapist suggested that the withholding of information from me could be an effort to control me. Imagine that! Everything I do or say is responded to by her that I am trying to control her.<P>I guess I will just back down a little and try to be satisfied with the scraps I am thrown.<P>If I didn't love this woman so much, I would just tell her to go to hell as I am working so hard and she is working and/or responding so little.<P>I was hoping the divorce papers would wake her up, but it's probably not going to work. Oh well, I am giving it a shot.<P>I sure hope the reason for this does get made clear someday, it sure doesn't make any sense now...

Hi all - <P>I'm so sorry to hear of your pain Heartpain and Rutger. I too am in a similar situation...except my W is living with the OM and nobody (her family included) knows where she is. I haven't talked to her in about a month. She filed last week.<P>I'm having a dificult time with all this...<P>I too wholeheartedly believe that God is working His master plan through all of us here but has chosen not to reveal to us yet what it is. I know He is a loving God and whatever pain we feel today will be counterbalanced by joy and happiness sometime in the future. That joy and happiness may or may not be with our spouses.

Hello all, just wanted to send all of you hugs and some hope? <BR>I cannot understand any of your wives in total, but maybe they do view some things as control mechanisms? I can sort of relateto that-I have felt that way sometimes with my h, especially since the affairs camd out in the open. Sometimes there are subtle things that he says and does that bring a wave over me that I really have to stop and dissect! Is it care or is it control? There is a fine line and it does depend on what else is going on around me. <BR>H and I have talked about this, shared feelings. He seems to understand, though he thinks it is ridiculous that I would misinterpret his actions. This rather new development in our relationship has a lot to do with my personal growth and my boundaries. Seems I am not near as tolerant of his actions and words as I used to be.<BR>I doubt this helps much, but maybe just sharing some feelings will open a new door?

cl,<P>Thanks for the hug(s) they go a long way.....<P>In a way, you have hit the nail on the head:<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>maybe they do view some things as control mechanisms?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This has been a major issue for W. She has said that nearly everything I do is designed to control her. We have discussed some of this in great detail and even though I have done a lot of these things to take tedious tasks from her allowing time to do creative things, she saw these as me trying to control her. It took a long time for me to realize that these actions could indeed be interpreted as "controlling". On the other hand, she has had difficulty understanding that I had no conscious motivation to control her. She believes that I do this on purpose. It's just another example of how she doesn't want to give me credit for anything good.