Well, everyone. Thanks for your replies. It's goodnight for me. Got to wake up at 6am again.......I wish I could call in sick....no sick hours....darn.....<P>Thanks again.<P>Miaka

Miaka,<BR>I was simply trying to explain how I see the board working and how I thought my longterm experiences with it relates to your concerns and why posters sometimes don't get the number or kind of replies they would like.<P>I'm not mad at you, you've never hurt me, or grieved me, so there isn't anything for me to forgive. Really, I was not intending to send any negative vibes your way.<P>I'm sorry you are in such a tough situation and are so tired and near the end of your rope.<P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

If you posted things you edited and are sorry for those, then I Forgive You, fully and completely. Since I never read them, I don't know what they are, but it doesn't matter.<P>Otherwise, although I know you have explained this, I can't forgive you, but purely because there is nothing to forgive.<P>I wish you well and hope you find the peace and happiness and rest you are searching for.

YM:<P>You sound as though you are having a tough time. It sounds like everyone here who has posted to you is having a tough time as well; trying to reach out to you and getting slapped back in the process. <P>To me, it seems like there isn't anything that anyone can say that will not be taken wrong and out of context. It also seems to me that everyone here is walking on eggshells with you trying not to offend your very hyper-sensitive persona and being very, very careful not to upset you or say the wrong thing to you.<BR> <BR>Keep apologizing all you want. It won't be long before people will stop buying into it and just let you run on and on with your apologies designed to control and manipulate. Eventually they will not accept feeling bad and guilty for .... what?<P>The apologies you have made may be sincere attempts to make amends for whatever it is you thought you were being or doing. It seems that many here are clueless what it is you are apologizing for. Your response to the people who have been posting to you with love and kindness seem to be in the crosshairs with you as you seem angry to have not received from them the responses you expect. A kind of damned if we do, damned if we don't scenario.<P>Every single person here on this forum is or has been experiencing the most devastating life altering experiences imaginable. That is what brings us all here-together. No one here holds a monopoly on pain and suffering and we come here wounded and hurt, looking for comfort and advice, and then when we have healed a bit, offer that same kindness to newcomers in pain. <P>The people here want to do that for you. But you must have an open heart to them and not take what is offered as a personal affront. If you hear things that you don't want to hear, and you will...we all do, (I probably will for speaking my mind right here and now, but so what?) then your heart will not be open to change and your healing process and problem solving abilities will be hampered.<P>No one will be able to help you and offer comfort and good advice if everything anyone says is taken with a combative attitude. Demanding responses and complaining that you don't get as many as you should and that the repsonses are not what you want to hear is something no one here can help you with. <BR>Wanting everyone to circle the wagons around you in your time of need is OK...that's what this forum is for. The people here want to help in any way they can. Just remember you can get a lot more with honey than you can with vinegar.<P>Catnip =^^= <p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited November 02, 2000).]

Miaka,<P>I haven't posted to you for a while. I didn't feel like had very good advice for you. You are in a very tough spot in your life. I am sorry that you feel so stressed out. I wholeheartedly agree with catnips advice. It was beautifully written. You can tell that it was well thought out and not meant to be hurtful in any way. I hope you accept it for what it is. I wish you only the best.<P>cleo

<B>Lor (Lor)</B>:<P>I understand what you're trying to say and I thank you.<P><B>FaithHopeLove</B>:<P>Thank you.<P><B>catnip</B>:<P>You're right. I don't know why I keep on fighting like an idiot.<P><B>cleopatra</B>:<P>That's fine. I'm not mad. I'm not angry at catnip either. I know she's trying help me along with everybody else here and that's fine. <P><p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited November 02, 2000).]

OK, this is the absolute last time I'm going to say this:<P>Thank you everyone for pointing out my behavior. Because of all of you, I have learned:<P>1.) <B>I</B> do not act in a manner that is associated with my age. <P>2.) <B>I</B> act more like a two-year-old. <P>3.) <B>I</B> have a nasty attitude. <P>4.) <B>I</B> was mean to everyone (yes, everyone) here. <P>5.) <B>I</B> didn't take anything that was said to me well. <P>6.) <B>I</B> always rearrange things so that they sound like people are attacking me. <P>7.) <B>I'm</B> not good at listening. <P>8.) <B>I'm</B> constantly trying to pin my unhappiness on someone else.<P>9.) <B>I</B> sometimes <I>think</I> I'm doing something right, when in all actuality, it's not right. <P>10.) <B>I'm</B> not good at paying close attention to what's being said.<P>11.) <B>I'm</B> way too literal in my thinking.<P>12.) <B>I</B> complain way too much.<P>13.) <B>I</B> expect way too much.<P>14.) <B>I'm</B> too angry.<P>15.) <B>I</B> need to do something about myself.<P>but....on the other hand, I've also learned:<P>1.) <B>I'm</B> not a bad person.<P>2.) <B>I</B> do need help.<P>3.) <B>I</B> can be happy.<P>4.) <B>I</B> can be friendly.<P>Now, compare my two lists. I can tell that I have <B>A LOT</B> of stuff to work on and I'm trying. I'm going to make myself better. I'm going to make myself happy. I'm going to make myself healthier. I'm going to make my dreams come true. I'm going to do what's right by my family.<P>With that said, I'm going to stop using this forum and website as a playground for being a brat. I'm just going to read from now on. I think I need to be quiet for awhile and read everything here.<P>I understand exactly what I'm saying and I'll tell you what it means. It means I'm going to have to change my <B>ENTIRE</B> personality. It's going to be hard, but it has to be done. Even if I never make the 100%, at least I can say I tried hard to do something right.<P>With that said, I'm going to bed now. You all have a nice day tomorrow.<p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited November 02, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Just because I drank Kool-Aid that ONE time, doesn't mean I'm addicted to sugar or have some chemical inbalance in my brain. You sound like the therapist I used to go to when I was younger. She was wanted me to go to a doctor that specialized in chemical inbalances because she told something was wrong with me. Well, the only thing that's wrong with me is that I'm tired, I'm tired of being angry, I'm tired of being hurt, I'm tired of being ignored, I'm tired of being defensive, I'm just plain sick of being tired. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>YM, <BR>Listen to catnip. She states my sentiments exactly in a much nicer way than I can muster up. <P>If I'm completely offbase in my observation, I apologize. The condition I described has nothing to do with sugar addiction. It's simply a reaction to ANY sugar consumption. My teacher just happened to have a sweet tooth, and I was not trying to imply that you are sugar addict. I was trying to help.<P>Now I'm going to practice a boundary setting. (I'm not very good at it yet, so I'll probably do it wrong and hurt your feelings again.) My reaction to your response was one of dismay and hurt feelings. It's no bother to me to be wrong. I'm wrong a lot. I see, however, a lack of appreciation for the effort I made. It makes me feel like the only response I can safely make is one that will agree with you, take your side, or somehow make you feel good. Growth and change don't happen that way. So I will respectfully be silent in response to your posts until I perceive a time in the future that you're receptive to honest feedback, whether it's good, bad, or indifferent. <P>If anyone here sees glaring flaws in my boundary, feel free to critique. <P>

That's fine, lonesome heart, if you want to be silent. I appreciate your effort and that's fine. I'm taking out <B>ALL</B> of my comments from now one.<P>Don't worry, I won't have a hissy fit if nobody answers me. Have a nice day anyhow.

YM...<P>You're growing already. It is a painful process. I appreciate your effort to acknowledge where you need to work on yourself.<P>I, too, am an angry person...I'm always seething, it seems. I have so many shortcomings, flaws and personality quirks that I will forever be a work in progress. But that's what gives me my scintillating personality! <P>I have had to learn a 'balance' over the years, combining my slightly curmudgeon-y attitude with compassion for others, and understanding of their intentions in regards to their assessment of me. <P>I instinctually have been able to develope a radar of sorts that alerts me to whether or not the person giving advice is truly concerned and trying to be helpful and one that does not have my best interest at heart and wants to hurt me. You will come to know this, too, in time.<P>The best thing about being so amazingly young is that you are bendable and not yet set in your ways. you CAN change, if you want to, without a lot of 'set in stone' things you have to unlearn.<BR> <BR>I was thinking of this earlier that I wish that when I was a pup your age, how wonderful it would have been to be where you are today with all this awareness and the ability to reach out to people in similar dilemmas to obtain insight, genuine care and empathy in order to learn, to grow and to heal through the miracle of technology.<P>I was alone at 19 with a serial cheater for a husband and a baby and no one to talk to...therapy was something pretty new then and I made so many mistakes out of ignorance and not having anyway to connect with people, like you have through this medium.<BR> <BR>You will be light years ahead of most of us oldtimers when you get to our age because of this wonderful computer age and the tools available to you. Sometimes we don't realize how very lucky we are.<P>Back in the dark ages (1969) I also got up at 5:30 AM to catch a bus with my baby in a snowsuit so thick he looked like a TeleTubby. I had him under one arm, the diaper bag under the other, standing on the corner waiting for a bus in 20 below zero weather (sounds like "when I was your age, I walked five miles to school in a blizzard story, doesn't it?) then deposited him at the babysitter's so I could get to work by 7:00. The reverse process occurred on the way home. This went on for four years. I missed his first words, I missed his first steps and Pampers were first advertised on TV the day after he was toilet trained!!!<P>My mother in law was a trip...a 'Christian' who liked to play head games with me and drag out pictures of her son's former girlfriends and never offered to help me in any way. At least I didn't have to live with her...I don't know how you do it. MOVE!!! Quick!<P>Isn't it wonderful that there are so many here that give a damn about you, YM? Everyone wants so much to be able to do something to see you through these tough times...because, we know it isn't easy and that the terrible things that have happened to all of us make us feel isolated, alone, angry, rejected and confused.<P>You are among friends who care very deeply about what happens to you. Bravo on your revelations.<P>Catnip =^^=

<B>catnip</B>:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>You're growing already. It is a painful process. I appreciate your effort to acknowledge where you need to work on yourself.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Actually, the thanks goes to my mother. Because of her, I can admit almost all my faults in one breath. Thank you anyway.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>But that's what gives me my scintillating personality!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Even though I graduated from high school, I have no idea what "scintillating" means. Could you explain it please?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>The best thing about being so amazingly young is that you are bendable and not yet set in your ways. you CAN change, if you want to, without a lot of 'set in stone' things you have to unlearn.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You think being 15 days shy of 22 is young? That's funny.<BR> <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I was thinking of this earlier that I wish that when I was a pup your age,</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think puppies are cute. I can't have one though, it's just like having another child.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>You will be light years ahead of most of us oldtimers when you get to our age because of this wonderful computer age and the tools available to you. Sometimes we don't realize how very lucky we are.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You're the second person to tell me that. Amazing.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Back in the dark ages (1969) I also got up at 5:30 AM to catch a bus with my baby in a snowsuit so thick he looked like a TeleTubby. I had him under one arm, the diaper bag under the other, standing on the corner waiting for a bus in 20 below zero weather (sounds like "when I was your age, I walked five miles to school in a blizzard story, doesn't it?) then deposited him at the babysitter's so I could get to work by 7:00. The reverse process occurred on the way home. This went on for four years. I missed his first words, I missed his first steps and Pampers were first advertised on TV the day after he was toilet trained!!!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Funny description of your baby. I used to do that to my son also. I have a picture of him with this over-sized yarn-type hat on, sweatshirt, t-shirt, shorts, sweatpants, socks, and shoes on. The look on his face is priceless. I think he was wondering why I did that to him.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>...I don't know how you do it. MOVE!!! Quick!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I hear you and I've been one step ahead of you for about a year now. I can't say it all now, but I could e-mail it to you.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Isn't it wonderful that there are so many here that give a damn about you, YM? Everyone wants so much to be able to do something to see you through these tough times...because, we know it isn't easy and that the terrible things that have happened to all of us make us feel isolated, alone, angry, rejected and confused.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It is and I do appreciate it no matter what anybody else says.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>You are among friends who care very deeply about what happens to you. Bravo on your revelations.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I wouldn't really call them relevations. It's like I said, I have my mom to thank for that.<P>Well, catnip, it's been nice replying back to you. I have to get back to business (I'm in the process of trying to learn some new computer languages) and you have a nice day.<P>Have a nice day everybody. Thanks and take care.<P>Miaka<P>PS I'm sorry, I forgot to put my e-mail address in here if you wanted to speak to me about the moving thing. Here it is: starocean_2@hotmail.com.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited November 03, 2000).]