<BR> I hope you can all bear this long, sad story..I need to say it all and<BR> stop trying to hold it in..hold it together. <P> My H and I have been married 15 years. We have 3 children, 13, 10<BR> years and 7 mos. Like all marriages, we had our ups and downs, and<BR> when I found out I was pregnant, it basically shoved my husband<BR> into a full mid life crisis. He had been struggling since the death of a<BR> friend, loss of a job, and some other events, and this was the last<BR> straw. He wanted and of course loves our baby, but the idea of<BR> being "strapped" seemed more than he could handle. Many reasons,<BR> I guess. <P> In the midst of all this, there was a conniving little (*&*(&#!. She<BR> new exactly what to do...He resisted anything but friendship for<BR> quite awhile, but she persisted (sounds like I am not blaming my<BR> husband, but I do, it just makes me sick to know that there are<BR> women who would knowingly try to go out with a married man,<BR> especially one with children...). Before the relationship got physical,<BR> he had been coming to counseling with me...basically lying about<BR> what the problem was. He moved out, stating he needed some<BR> space..it would only be a couple of weeks. Weeks turned into mos,<BR> and every time it was time to move back in there was another<BR> excuse, a blowup, ready to divorce, and him coming back and<BR> saying he didn't want that at all. He consistently said he loved me.<BR> He wrote me BEAUTIFUL letters of love. All the while, having an<BR> affair...coming back to me, making love to me and pretending he<BR> was working on us. <P> We live in a small town, and this OW, really enjoyed the whole<BR> thing. She made some obvious gestures for others to find out. Her<BR> employee had heard she was having an affair, and told her if she<BR> ever found out, she would fire her. <P> Needless to say, she does not have a job. The minute I found out, I<BR> called her at work, at which time she left for an hour, came back ,<BR> told them she and my husband were happy, there was nothing<BR> wrong with it and nobody was going to get hurt. It is a small town. <P> My husband and I are going through some good and tough times. I<BR> am fairly sure I can forgive him...I do understand most of it. After<BR> about a week of tears and pain, though, I seem to be on automatic<BR> pilot. He lets me ask all sorts of questions, seems to understand my<BR> constant questioning, and tries to reassure me. <P> I have been reading many of the responses hear, and would be<BR> thrilled to have some insight. Are we on the right track?<P> I know he will be moving back in soon. He has dropped contact with<BR> her, at least as much as I can know, until he moves in. <P> I am also afraid, as I write this, that I seem to have no feelings. I<BR> feel numb, and can't believe there are no tears...is this typical?<P> Thank you for listening<BR> ljt

ljt, <P>I can imagine how you feel. Reading your post I feel very much like I wrote it myself. H and I are almost 17 yrs together, married for 13 yrs (to be on Dec 26, sad anniversary this time ...), but have only one daughter of 12. We are both 37 now. I never thought this can happen to me - we always cared for each other a lot, of course had ups and downs, but in general, we were always happy family. <P>I'm not sure was it MLC, seems a bit early, but my H also struggled with many "big issues" in last few months, since Feb.: a pile of dissatisfaction - he never graduated although he now has only two exams to pass and make a final thesis; there was possibility to lose his managerial position in the company due to reorganisation inspite of excellent characteristics in his personal file (diploma has to with it of course). Then, growing dissatisfaction for relation with his parents who never liked me or any other person ih their children's lifes (3 sons)and always tend to interfere in his life and influent decisions (H is typical conflict avoider), financial problems (we have mortgage and cash loan to repay)........ God knows what else. he felt trapped, and no matter how hard I tried to help him, and be as supportive as I could, he fell into depression. <P>Of course, OW (co-worker) came into a picture in right time and right place. She was full of understanding, "life saver", and she EXACTLY knew what she was doing. Like in your case, she claimed there is nothing but friendship, and she wants nothing but friendship - till the moment he broke down completely and attempted suicide (July, 28),finally ended up in hospital. Then she came with a completely new story: now she wants him, and is ready to wait as long as it takes for him to sort himself out, and then, if he decides he wants to spend life with her, she will agree. I'm no good to him, she said. Later on I learned this was her 3rd affair in the same company, always with married men, with clidren (in 2 cases out of 3). She is 31, single, never married. <P>H moved out, better to say never came back home from hospital, but settled in his broter's appartment "to sort himself out and discover who he is and what he really wants in life". Says he needs time; it may take a month or a year but he has to do it now. It's been 2 mos today since he moved out, and I still don't see any sign he intends to move back to us. But, also, he never gave up our marriage completely. <BR>Yes, he comes home occasionally, at least once a week, sometimes finds funny excuses to come. In last 2 weeks we communicate every day. When here, everything seems normal (including kisses, even making love), except that "something in the air" - I know he will go back to brother's apartment after a while. I try not to ask too much, but anytime I ask does he want me to be here, does he cares for our marriage, he makes it clear: "yes, I want you to be here. I know you care, and I care, too." <P>It's extremely hard to cope with. I really don't know what's on his mind. After all this happened he told me is not sure whether he loves me or not, and never said I love you afterwards. Just once, maybe a month ago, I heard "well, you asked me do I still love you and I said I don't know. That's not completely true. I owe you complete answer: I do, but how, and how much, I still have to find out."<P>I know OW is still in the picture, but he never mentions her. I guess H is not ready to give up her emotional support, although I don't understand why all my love and willingness to help were not sufficient. She is recently transfered to another job position, for the same reason OW in your case lost her job. <P>Well, what can I tell you to help you survive your pain? I know it's extremely hard, but being patient, not pushy, and doing my best to meet his EN I think showed some positive results. I can't say it worked for me completely, just, I try to carry on with thoughts of good moments that happened in those last weeks. I hope it will pay of one day. <P>Being numb is normal, I think it happened to all of us after we have been dragged into this against our will. <P>You have huge advantage on your side - your prescious children, 15 good years of life spent together, and seems to me you still have love of your husband. Stick to that, and come here any time you need support. We have all been in great pain, and we do understand. You are not alone. If this would help, I'm more than willing to post my e-mail here. <P>Hang on, <P>Adrian <P><BR> <P>

ljt,<P>sorry, I was so deep in my thougths posting the first letter that I forgot to mention important lesson I've learned 2,5 yrs ago, when we had first problem of this kind: asking all kinds of questions and get them answered can help a great deal, it helped me alot, but, don't exadurate. You have to stop asking after a while, otherwise your H might feel under pressure, and do more harm than good. <P>I know, it's so comforting to see him patiently answering all your questions, but deep inside, need to ask too much comes out of our desire to make WS pay for what they've done to us. It's compensation for our pain. <P>I was so shocked when he told me he's seeing someone, after 10 yrs of marriage I considered the best and the most honest ever existed in the universe, that I panicly looked for every possible expalantion. I just had to find reason why all that happened. <P>Seems that was not real A, certainly not PA (I know positively), but more of his attachment to someone he found compassionate for his emotional conflicts. It was ended almost immediately after revelation, but, I couldn't stop (ab)using his will to answer my questions for another 6 mos. It took me a year to recover, but I never trusted him again like I used to. Even 18 mos afterwards, I used to ask here and there, or made a comment, but by that time I never forgot to add it's not important to me any more. <P>Now, when we faced real problem, I can't avoid thinking my behaviour in past 2.5 yrs contributed to present situation. <P>So, the lesson I've learned would be: <P>- set yourself questions you would like to be answered and tell your H you need to know this. When you get answers - stop asking. Be careful not to put him into position of interrogated peson. <BR>If you tend to ask questions like "where have you been yesterday afternoon", make him clear you feel his answers are now honest, and you had to ask few times just to make yourself feel safe and gain that trust again, but you will not answer any more. Show him clearly you appreciate his effort to be honest to you. <P>- Draw the thick dividing line between "before A" and "after A" in your marriage. Let the past stay behind the line; show him you really mean it, and fight against resentment together with your H. Tell him about your fears, but don't put him a blame for your feeling any time you bring up a subject. This all, of course, provided that your H is willing to work on your marriage together with you. It worked for me, and he really helped me a lot. <P>I think you have so much to share with your H now. If he is about to come back, if it is his decision, then I hope he is ready to committ to what really means to him. Please remember PTC, no matter how hard it is, and DON'T REPEAT MY MISTAKE. <P>I wish you all the best. Keep my finger crossed for you. <P>Adrian

Thank you, Adrienne, for listening and pointing out some obvious things to try for. I see what you mean about the questioning...I am working at being strong for myself and children. I hate feeling mistrustful. It goes against everything I believe. You sound very strong, and I hope I can get there. How is your child handling all this? Do they know of the affair? <P>Thank you...Linda

Hi ljt. How are you doing today?<P>It sounds to me as though you are doing okay. Just remember that your husband could still do things that surprise and disappoint you, but that you can come through it.<P>I wish you the best. --HBC