I took the kids to Hs house last night so he could see their halloween costumes. While they were trick or treating, I stayed at the house with H. He stepped outside for a few minutes and I just couldn't help it- I snooped. He had a legal pad sitting on table. He has been telling me that he has been writing some of his thoughts lately. I took a peek.<P>He had a session with Steve Harley a couple of weeks ago and told me he had taken notes. His notes were there, but at the top of the page, he had written OVER!<P>The next page was the words to a song- I'm Gonna Smile by Lonestar. This song is about the end of a relationship, where the one being left is going to smile so the one doing the leaving will not see the pain- wanting to be remembered as a happy person. Now, there is no way that he was thinking about our relationship when he wrote those.<P>Next, there was a short note to OW thanking her for being his "rose" during the time they had together. <P>OK- so I'm thinking that maybe their relationship is ending... the song, the note. There was also a stack of CDs on the table. These are CDs that I've seen before, but I don't think he bought- Nostalgic Love Songs and stuff like that. He was listening to a soft rock radio station- this is strange because he is a definite country guy. I asked him about this one- he said that the country stations played too many sad, cry in your beer songs and he didn't need that right now.<P>In the past couple of weeks, he has been somewhat depressed and has not been picking the kids up from daycare unless I specifically ask him to. He has though, been calling everyday. I've been seeing him 3-4 times a week. No serious discussions, so I'm not sure what's been going on.<P>Anyway, last night, I pretty much convinced myself that their relationship was ending. Then, she called. He answered the phone and they talked a little about halloween- I didn't know who it was until he got up and went into the bedroom. He was only on the phone about 4-5 minutes and came back out, apologized, asked me if it made me terribly uncomfortable, said he was uncomfortable, and that he told her that the kids and I were there and he couldn't talk. I said I bet that didn't sit very well- he said that's life.<P>We left a little while later. After I had been home about 10 minutes, there was a call from H that showed up on the computer. My stepdaughter's boyfriend was on line, so I told him to just ignore it and I would call H back on cell phone. I walked out to car to get cell phone, it was ringing. H calling to say thanks for bringing the kids over and he just wanted to make sure we made it home OK (it's a 5 minute drive).<P>If the relationship is ending, I'm pretty sure it would be her doing the ending. If that's the case why is she calling and just small talk at first. If the relationship is not ending, why the song, the CDs, the radio station, the note? He has not been as depressed as I've seen him before, so probably not actual withdrawal. <P>What's going on???<BR>And please don't flame me too much about the snooping- I know this already!

So you snooped, I do too and I'm not worrying about that. If you can handle what you find, then I personally wouldn't worry. Of course, some say not to do it, but I think it is a personal thing. I just can't resist gaining some insight into what is going on. Just don't expect to be able to make sense of everything you see.<P>There are signs of him improving his behavior towards you, so rather than try and figure everything out, just Plan A and be your best. That is the most important thing.

Cloudy -<P>I'm usually one to advocate no snooping - but I KNOW I would have a difficult time practicing what I preach. . .In your situation, I think something is beginning to happen. He is definitely thinking more about you and the kids. The call to make sure you got home okay - that was really cool. I agree with Rick37 - continue to Plan A. He may be going through withdrawl, but there is obviously still some contact with the OW. Maybe the A is dying a "natural death," who knows. Just keep doing the best you can with Plan A, treat yourself well, be confident, don't worry about what tomorrow will bring, focuse on getting through each day as positively as you can.

I know that I would be better off to stop trying to figure him out and concentrate on me and the kids... but, much easier said than done.<P>I keep wondering why he wrote "over" at the top of that page. I really thought he was feeling confused again- not feeling that it is over.<P>I've been trying not to pressure him, but am feeling somewhat overwhelmed with all the kid responsibilities. I have been thinking about asking him to pick them up at least 1 day a week so I can have some alone time without having to find and pay a babysitter. When we first separated, we would make plans each day for who would pick them up and he got them 2 to 3 days a week. For the last 2-3 weeks, he has only picked them up about 2 times. I really don't want to push him into being more involved with us than he wants to, but I see no reason for the kids to suffer and they miss him too.<P>Other insight or advice???

OK- I figured this one out on my own. I told H that I didn't want to push, but would he pick up the kids a day or 2 a week. He apologized for being so selfish and complimented me on being so strong. He's picking them up tomorrow and Friday! I can go shopping!!!

Cloudy -<P>That sounds good. Have a great time shopping - treat yourself to something extra special - for me. know you'll be the one buying it, so don't go too crazy ! I think it's okay to be honest with your H - especially if its in your kids' best interest. Have fun shopping, you deserve it.

A little update since I haven't posted in a while:<P>H's x-wife had a stroke last weekend (she's 43). H was here last Sun evening, we were sitting outside talking. When he started to leave, he noticed that he had a missed call on his cell phone and didn't recognize the number. I came inside and had a call on my phone from a local hospital. I called the number back, but all I learned was that none of the step kids were in the ER. I called H on his cell phone and gave him the hospital's number- it was the same number that had called his cell. So... we had to wait a while before step daughter called him and told him about her mom. She stayed in intensive care for several days, but is home now. Still can't care for herself or her other 2 younger kids which has added a lot of extra responsibility to the girls. They are having a hard time with this. The girls stayed at H's house several nights last week and all were very good about letting me know what was going on.<P>It is very scary that so young a person could have a stroke. I'm scared for the kids and what this will mean to them. There are 2 younger kids- I'm not sure exactly how old they are, but they are between my 2 who are 6 and 10. Step-daughters (16 & 20) have already been feeling a lot of responsibility toward them since their dad died about 1 1/2 years ago and their mom has not dealt with that very well.<P>On a happier note, son's birthday is Wednesday. We will have a family dinner Wed. night and his party is next weekend. We are all staying busy trying to get the yard presentable since the party will be outside complete with a moon walk for the kids and kids at heart. Son wants Dad to grill hamburgers and hotdogs for his party, which I'm sure he will do.

Cloudy,<P>So sorry to hear about your H's x's stroke. That is extremely scary for one so young to suffer through that. Especially since there is usally no warning that there is a problem. My uncle had one a few years ago at age 39, and it actually took a day or two for them to figure out that that was what it even was since it wasn't expected in someone of his age. <P>Hope your son's b-day party goes well.<BR>

Thanks Pam O for your response.<P>You know, I'm really feeling for these kids. They had a hard time with their Mom and Dad's divorce, then one by one moved in with us after we married. Their Mom was involved with a man that none of them particularly cared for for several years and had 2 kids. Then, she apparently got involved with a married man, the father of the other 2 kids found out, then the father of the other 2 kids killed the married man, then killed himself. It really sounds like a soap opera or something. The oldest step daughter was in her mom's apartment when this stuff happened and had nightmares for several months.<P>I really feel that our marriage and home life were the only stability that they ever had, now H's doing this and on top of it all, their mom has a stroke and can't care for herself or her kids.<P>I know this sounds really bizzare, but we are really just a normal family with an x-wife that made some really bad choices and unfortunately, the kids have had a really tough life. Just typing all this makes me stop and realize exactly how much they have been through and unforunately are still living with.