You popped in and out and now you are gone...where did you go????? (you are such a tease LOL). : <P>All the males in your house need to give you your turn on the 'puter. I need a Dylan fix...LOL. <P>Really, I do miss you when you aren't around and I do get a little worried when I don't see you around here or in my email inbox.<BR>So write already and let us all know how you are!!!!!!!!! <P>Isn't it nice to see how missed you really are when you aren't around?<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

Nicole,<P>I think it was a ghost! I haven't heard a peep out of her either!<P>hmmmm....................<P>Bill

Okay Ghost lady....Maybe we should change your user name to "Where in the heck is she now!!!" <BR>Is it live or is it memorex????? <P>Pop in again and let us know that you are alive.<P>

LOL.....<P>ghosts...and right around halloween...hmmmm...I realize with the whole 'pagan' and 'witch' angle, you might think...<P>LOL......<P>hey Nicole....it's me.....<P>I'm just over here in the corner....being 'quiet'...<P>I can't change things if I don't know what many of those 'things' really are, so in my deluded logic, I am 'observing' my life....<P>time at the computer is available only in snippets...and they are always inconvenient 'snippets'...sigh....<P>I have been plagued with really bad karma lately, so I've been hiding from everything....lol...<P>Deut's been working really hard....tearing down 5 barns and now is putting it all back together as one barn....very physical, demanding and tiring labour...<P>I haven't journaled because frankly, nothing has changed since the last entry....we've been 'stuck-ish' since....things as per usual, have gone um.....awry...from all over the place....life has decided to 'pause' over at our house and the rut is deep, my friends...<P> <P>LOL...<P>the book Deut was reading is sitting on the shelf where he put it about 3 weeks ago....he lurked here for a week after my 'patience of job' post....<P>like I said....he is busy...and he is wiped out when he gets home....<P>aaaaahhhhhh.......I'm just argh-ing......<P>stagnation as a houseguest pretty much sucks.<P>so yes, Nicole I am here...just in the shadows...hoping an oil truck gets lost and delivers to my house by mistake....lol...<P>you know what it is?...<P>I am tired<BR>I am so fu^k!ng tired of everything being a struggle....always a constant bloody struggle to survive, put food on the table, pay this, blah, blah....you know the routine...same old same old.......I am tired of almost losing the house to the bank every other month....I am tired that there is not a penny to be had for a dentist...god, I need one.....I am tired of waiting for affordable daycare or pre-school for a non-socialized little terror of a 4 yr. old...<P>I am tired of the struggle for my marriage...I am sick and tired of not having heat and of the fact that we can never afford anything.....I am tired of something going wrong with the brakes of the car the day before the mortgage or house insurance cheque goes through....<P>I'm tired of being disappointed in people.....I'm tired of cleaning this too-big house....I'm tired of the chaos that has been my life for 4.5 years.....<P>I know, i can joke about it, the constant chaos...I laugh it off...oh yeah..that's just the way life is...ha ha ha...but i am not exagerating when I say constant....non-stop....ongoing......as not yet ending....disaster following us......<P>I'm tired now.<P>at first, it seemed kind of like an adventure....dodging the bullets of life...<P>but I'm <B>really</B> tired of it now...<P>so if the universe is listening....ummmm..feel free to end the chaos.......anytime now.......really.......it's ok with me......<P>please.<P>in the meantime...I'll be over here...quiet...not attracting attention ....don't want all those gods of disaster to hear me and pay a visit....<P>I think I'm tired of feeling like a loser.

Hey Dylan,<P>You've been on my mind a lot lately. I guess I always have the feeling that something is wrong if you aren't here, wrong with you AND wrong with this forum. Maybe we're just all being selfish to want you to be with us, but we miss you and worry. Isn't is strange that people you never see can come to be such an important part of your life?<P>Please just know that you are cared for and missed, and that we wish there was something we could do to help your situation.<P>Love ya,<P>Peppermint<BR>

Dylan,<P>I can surely relate to your statement of being tired. I know exactly what you mean. Arik asked me the other day what was wrong and all I could say was "I'm just so tired."<P>"Tired of what...why?" <P>"Everything!"...<P>I am so tired of the phone ringing, I am so tired of bills coming, I am so tired of sending my husband off to work where he has contact with HER. I am so tired of not feeling inner peace and joy. I am tired of going to bed and tossing and turning for an hour before falling asleep and then waking up an hour later just to toss and turn again. I am tired of feeling like this pain that comes back to haunt me will never be completely gone. <P>Yes, I do understand where you are coming from even if our fanancial struggle isn't as bad as yours ( Arik is working steady and we were able to get a load of oil dropped off(which by the way has gone up a lot in the last year)).<P>One more thing YOU ARE NOT A LOSER!!!! Why you would ever think that is so completely beyond me. You really have no idea what your friendship has come to mean to me if you think you are a loser in any way shape or form.<P>I will try and get the kids to bed early enough to call you tonight ( is 10:45 your time to late to call ). <P>I am sending as much good karma as I can muster...prayers and blessings all sent easterly (is that a word sounds kinda weird to me all the sudden).<P>Bless you my friend...I will keep you in my prayers(as always).<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole