This is going to be a long one, but please read it. I need your help to go on. I will also appreciate any experiences you may share with me, if someone has been there where my H is, or where I am now. <P>Reading all this posts, and seeing what many of you has been through, I'm ashamed I feel so down. I know many of you would be happy to be where I am now in my marriage, but I can't help it; I feel so down for days - absend, incapable of concentrating to my work, react nervously to my daugter ... I can barely answer her questions, talking to anyone makes me nervous, I can't stand music, sound of vacuum cleaner drives me crazy. I jump to every sound of cell phone (H usually sends SMS every day) and obsessively stick to my computer ... today I almost spent all day online reading, searching ... <BR>After a relatively tearless period again I cry every day. I feel exhausted, betrayed, abandoned, pushed to the limit, hopeless, and definitely tired of faking good mood. I need him beside me so badly ... <P>So, what happened? I'm in Plan A for 2 months now, if I take his check-out from hospital as a starting day (Sept 1st). Since then we are separated (not legally, just live separately). But, basically, I've been Plan A'ing ever since D day, some time mid May. <P>If I step back and take a look for sure there are improvements in our communication, and relation in general. In those first weeks we talked or met approx. once a week, usually for some reason. Talking about serious things (bills, daughter ...) was inavoidable, so I couldn't just be amusing all the time, and besides, I was so hurt with the A and his suicide attempt. Too hard for me to stay calm and avoid crying. Usually, we both cried at some point, mostly every time we met. He was avoiding coming home in first weeks; every time he came anyway, didn't miss to say he feels both good and scared to be here. I just couldn't understand - why on Earth our home makes him feel uncomfortable? <P>He insisted he won't come home beause he needs to sort himself out; "I have to do it now, this can't go on this way any more." He never said he wants out of marriage, except once, the night he committed that foolish act. Afterwards, he just insisted on that "sorting myself out" staff. <P>I know positively that for all these weeks while staying on his own he went together with OW from work almost every day, and spent quite a lot of time with her - almost all working hours and at least some free time. They still exchange e-mail messages, but, as opposed to his earlier posts, those ones seem rather "ordinar", more like they just have good time speaking to each other and telling jokes. <P>You may ask how do I know about e-mails? Well, funny thing, but he gave me all the passwords, and I have access to all his accounts (assuming there are no hidden or unknown accounts). <P>He never mentions OW and is not willing to talk about anything related to her. Once he said to his close friend she was just a consequence, rather than cause of his emotional conflicts and she could not solve his problem. <P>Now, nothing really happens. he is still there on his own, participates in all expenses we have here (but strictly devides costs - what's fair is fair). We still share all credit cards, I take care of home, bills, daughter, even he left the car here. When I'm absend for business trip, he moves in and take over all duties. When I come back, he returns to his place. No sign, no will to come back. Also, no sign of will to stop seeing OW. But, on the other hand he left his toothbrush and some of summer T shirts here during my last business trip (and took two winter shirts, some of them are still in the wardrobe). <P>Two days ago I asked him does he still want me to be here, and he said yes. He said he knows I care for us, and said he cares too. But, I had to ask. I get kisses everytime we meet, but many times I have to give a kiss first. Sometimes I feel like I'm forcing him to kiss me. Yes, there is intimacy here and there, too. Actually, we never stopped our intimate life, regardless of separation. <BR>Sometimes I get small signs of affection - Smiley or kiss in SMS message. But, last time he told me he loves me was beginning of September, when he said "I love you, that's for sure, but how and how much, i still have to discover". That was after 6 weeks of telling me he is not sure any more whether he loves me or not. <P>All this situation seems perfectly stabile for him, from the outside. He comes when he wants, and goes when he wants, and definitely shows no intention to come home yet. The OW is there, still in contact with him, and I don't know is EA now became PA. I wouldn't say so, but, who knows. However, she was recently transfered to another job position, starting from Nov 1st. I can only hope that would help. But, the new office is in the same town area where they both live now. <P>I don't know are we on the right track or not, I see no major changes, not even small steps in his attitude about us. I know I have to be patient, but it's sooo hard for me not receiving a single clear sign for months. I fell I spent near all my energy reserves, I just need to recharge my batteries. <P>Have I done all I could by now, or there is something more I can do now? I certainly can't talk him into marital couselling at this point, he simply refuses to talk about anything serious. We had two appointments before hospital time, now he has only his individual therapy, which is slowed down a bit now - he had to change therapist due to sick leave of his prevous therapist. Unfortunately, this lady will not come back soon, she is on chemotherapy now, and I hope all the best for her. <P>What I have done in Plan A by now? Well, I lost 26 pounds (now I fit to No 8), I pay a lot of attention to my physical appearance (not always a case before), and I do my best to keep our appartment tidy. I have to say he noticed those changes. All clothes he left at home is washed, ironed and put in its old place, like he never left. <P>But now, I'm so tired of all those duties I have to respond, tired of faking good mood and putting on make-up when I feel like crying. Yes, show must go on, I know, but right now I don't see any point, any light in the tunnel, no whish for life at all ...I'd rather just sit and cry all the day. <P>Please, think of me in your prayers today. <P><BR>Adrian

Adrian, honey, you are depressed. Call your doctor, explain how you are feeling, and the situation you are in, and get on an anti-depressant. It will take a few weeks, but you will feel better.<P>I could have written the same exact symptoms myself. I'm on Paxil now, and it really has helped.

Adrian - get yourself to a doctor. Don't be ashamed you feel down. It is a sign of strength to seek help. I'm not a doc, but I went into severe depression and you have the symptoms. Can't sleep, lost weight, anxiety, irritable, can't concentrate. I went from 145 lbs. to 125 on the "infidelity diet" in a couple weeks. There are real good meds that will turn you around, but it takes a long time, 4 to 8 weeks. Now I feel terrific. Take care of yourself. You can't Plan A if you're not healthy. Get to a doc NOW!!!<P>WAT

I am so sorry for you! It sounds like you are very much on your last nerve. Please stop & take a breath!<P>I have been dealing with H and OW for 10 months now. They have OC now 2 months old. I was doing fairly well, but 2 weeks ago realized that I was not able to concentrate, was feeling pressure in my chest, was jumpy on occasion to the children, etc. I went to my doctor & he thought I may be depressed. This all timed with the OW returning from maternity leave to work daily with my H and her request for child support. Anyway, I have been very resistant to medication (my therapist once asked about it). I started on the medication & am so glad that I did! It has just cleared my head. The results were not what I anticipated, they were much better. Please go talk to your medical dr about these things.<P>You are only 2 months into this. I hate to say it, but it takes a lot more than that for WS to get their head clear. In the interium you need to be as good to yourself as you possibly can. His reluctance to commit is not your fault. It is his. Please don't take too much on your self. My H was very cloudy about things until just a very few weeks ago. And at times it is still come or go. But I have offered to let him leave & make divorce easy, but he will not do that. He wants our home & our life together. Of course, I have made it clear that he must be more protective of me & our children & keep OW out of our lives. We still have to figure out the OC and how to deal with that. But I know this stuff is his issues and not mine. <P>Stay in Plan A. Remember that Plan A is what you also give yourself and your child. She will benefit from seeing you happy and strong. It will get better!<P>Take care... Carolyn

Without going into a long explaination of my story,I wanted to tell you of my experience with depression.<BR>In college, I suffered from an eating disorder which I was hospitalized on 2 different occasions,a total of 6 months, over a period of a year. Those hospitalizations saved my life. I was put on anti-depressants and lithobid, for moodswings as I understand. This helped me for the next 8 years of my life. They helped me to think clearer, calm down, and to help myself. I had low self esteem, and was able to see life in a new light.<BR>This did take a long time. I was on about 4 different medications and yes, it can take 4 to 8 weeks to feel the effects, and if one doesnt work it may take 4-8 weeks to get one out of your system before you can start another. (I'm not telling you all this to further your depression, but so you know what to expect.) It can be a long process, or you could also respond to the first one.<BR>When I decided to try to have kids I stopped my medications and did fine, until now. My H betrayal has sent into a deep depression again, something I thought I wouldn't have to deal with again.<BR>One way that I had explained my feelings in the past was that I felt as if I was standing over a black circle, and that I had a stomach full of nails, and under this black circle was a magnet, trying to pull me into this circle that I then realized was a hole. I feel I'm over that hole again.<BR>I am now about 3 1/2 months post discovery of my H physical affair he has over a year ago for 4 months(1999).I found out he had the affair in May '00 due to the child support his OW wanted for the child he fathered with her. I found all this out when I was 51/2 months pregnant. There it is in a nutshell. I'm now past my due date, and am anticipating the birth of our 3rd child. I plan to call my doctor to get me started on my medications as soon as I deliver. I know the signs, the withdrawal, inability to concentrate, the fake smile and moods, the irritability, the crying and crying....and can only hope that what worked before will work again.<BR>I wanted to say all this because if you were debating the use of medication, I wanted to explain how it helped me and that although it may not make your life better, it will help you to help yourself make your life better. <BR>Please hang in there and keep posting.

Thanks, guys. This really means to me a lot. I think I had it enough in my life, and this was just the last straw. <P>In few words: I lost my Mom at my 13th (cancer... she was 39 then). In next five years I lost 9 dear people, including my best friend who died at his 18th of brain tumor. For all what happened, I produced fear for emotional involvement of any kind, I was just afraid whatever I touch, I will destroy. Everybody whom I ever loved just vanished. <P>I moved to other town for college at my 18th (read: run away from father alchoholic). Since then I've been living on my own for 6 yrs, covering all my expenses alone (including college), till I got married. In the menatime I had 3 year relationship with a guy I cosidered nice and caring - till I got pregnant. He left me to "take care of it" on my own and then wanted me back?! No way, I found enough strenght to kick him out of my life, I was alone again. <P>My H was the only person I dared to open completely, and never felt I need my huge force fields I had all around me. Being with him who was so thoughtful, amusing, gentle and caring guy, great father, I finally stopped thinking it is me why bad things are happening. I was so happy. <P>Do you need more if I say we survived the war in Croatia, but I lost my father in the war. My H had 398 spent days on terrain. <BR>However, we managed to take good care of our family, bought new apartment ... we don't have much, but seeing so much misery around us in the world I considered myself lucky. <P>Now, after all this, my world once again turned upside down. I'm on the beginning again, but this time I don't have beside me the only person I ever allowed to have all of me. He betrayed me. <P>I just can't take it any more. <P>Sorry for rambling, I guess I talk far too much about myself. But, I understand all your pain and wish I could help to each of you much more than I tried posting reply here and there. <P>Adrian