<BR>I discovered that my wife was having an affair with a co-worker recently. It was completely devestating for me because I love my wife with all of my heart and soul. What's worse is I know the guy. So now I have these mental pictures of them having sex. I have never felt hurt like this before. I have an uneasy feeling in my stomache everytime I think about it (which is about 100 times a day).<BR>What complicates matters and makes me feel hipocritical is that I had an affair a few months ago. It's hard for someone to feel sorry for me or to share my grief when I had an affair on my wife. Who am I to resent her for what she did when i did it to? The only difference in the two affairs (mine and hers) is that i know about hers and she doesn't know about mine.<P>Do I tell her? Do I put her through that terrible pain and heartbreak I feel?

Dwayne,<P>I am sorry for the pain you are going through. It is such a horrible discovery, but you can and will survive! <P>Honesty and openness in a marriage dictates that you should tell. But I don't think right now would be a good idea.<P>You just may be adding fuel to the justification fire. Your W may be looking for reasons to make this ok, and you would be handing her a huge excuse to continue. You need to win her back with positive behavior, not point out your weakness.<P>You obviously love her dearly, and regret what you did. Use that energy to study, learn and apply Plan a. <P>When did you find out? Does she know you have discovered the A? Is it a PA or an EA?<P>Bob<BR>

She may well already know and just hasn't told you that she knows.<P>My suggestion is to get into therapy with a qualified marriage and family therapist and have some individual sessions to determine the best way to tell her. Yes, I do believe you need to tell her, but I believe you need to plan carefully for it.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

dwayne,<BR> If you go to my w post in pregnancy/child under "our full situation, fyi", you will find a detailed account of what we have been through. <P>Just to summarize though, we both were having affairs and I also knew her OM. The visualizing of them together is exactly what I dealt with for awhile and still have every now and then. <P>To get to the point though I feel that while not telling your wife right now may save her feelings for now, you will still be very guilt ridden and will not fully recover in your marriage until there is complete honesty. I found out about w's affair on July 12th and told her about mine on the 29th. In between that time we found out that she was pregnant, it still took me a few days after that to tell her. During that time I agonized over whether or not to tell her. I was being eaten alive with guilt. If you ever want to have an honest open marriage telling her sooner than later is what I would recommend. I am by no means any expert on this subject but I know that I appreciate others' comments and suggestions. Take care and God bless.<BR>Jeff<P>To make it easier to find the post I referred to in the beginning my w's name is tigger4jdt.<P> <p>[This message has been edited by Sailorman59 (edited November 01, 2000).]