Well, today was the day my wife took possession of her house. She was under tremendous stress the past couple days, because there were problems with the bank, needing this and that for documentation. It seemed like it wasn't for sure that she'd get the mortgage. It went through though. So, I don't know what will happen next. She plans on not moving till January.<P>She is like a ship lost in the night though. Got her phone hooked up anyway, and emailed all her new gang of friends. Having a bed delivered tonight, but told me she'll be "home" as soon as it arrives. What is wrong with this picture?<P>Kind of disheartening to read (yes I snooped) her saying that this is "sooooo exciting" to one of her friends (might have been OM...not sure). It seemed like a rather large event, but then again, kind of uneventful because she isn't really moving yet.<P>She dropped the kids off at my work so she could rush to the lawyers to get the keys. Gave me a hug and said thanks for helping me.<P>In an odd way, this house closing is a bit of a relief, because after 5 months of not much happening between us, something has to give one way or the other. Even though she isn't moving, it changes the dynamics a bit. I'm waiting for the day she says she's crashing there for the night, because that is one thing I don't plan on accepting...she can stay here or there, not choose each night. Can you see an LB coming?<P>My perception is that she has one display of feelings when dealing with friends...one of happiness that this is happening. But alone and when she calls me, she tells me how stressful the days are, and how she is ready to snap or go crazy. The bank needed more money than originally planned (taxes up front etc.). I think she borrowed it. Furniture store lost her order.<P>My thinking is that these stresses are part of what might contribute to cracks in the fantasy. Does that make sense? She got a taste of how things don't always go as planned the past few days. Had to work last night, so it was only me taking the kids out. Maybe stuff like that will affect her thinking too, because lately life hasn't been easy for her. I'm thinking that even though she may indicate she is happy to her friends, she hasn't moved yet, hasn't had to tell the kids, hasn't had to pay the bills for a few months, etc. Hasn't separated. Surely it won't go as smooth as she might pretend to everyone, when she really leaves, if it comes to that. Am I being naive? I guess time will tell.<P>I don't really know the real status of OM now. They spend time together, but as for their relationship, I can't tell. His parents apparently won't accept this, but maybe wife and OM are making the most of the present, who knows.<P>Since nothing real eventful happened the past few days, I'm kind of coasting now, but it is probably the calm before the storm. I'm sure something will stir things up.<P>Oh, I have one evil thought that I don't think I would ever act upon, but I know it would make her sick inside. That would be to tell her that I met someone, who has no kids, and couldn't have any, but that she is so excited that I have two because she always wanted to be a mother. Sorry for that diversion...I know it is not part of the stragegy. Just something I thought of in an idle moment. That is part of the side of me that wants to do something to rock the boat.<P>Thanks for listening.<P>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited November 01, 2000).]<P>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited November 01, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited November 01, 2000).]

Rick-<BR>I feel for you. I know how difficult this is- I've been there too.<P>I also understand your little fantasy, I've been having a similiar one myself. It's amazing isn't it- they can get soooo jealous! <P>Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you.

Bless your heart Rick. I can't begin to imagine what you go through from day to day.<BR>Your children are very fortunate to have such a dedicated Dad.<P>About the evil thought. I had those too. One I actually did and it blew up in my face. I know you probably won't but just in case you're tempted, realize that it will come back to haunt you. When she realized it was not true, think of how she would then feel about you. She and om would discuss it and he would take full advantage to "trash" you. Nature will take it's own course and rock that boat better than you could ever do.<BR>

Rick, <P>I think that once she gets in there, and as you said has to start paying bills, and doing all the household things like cleaning, laundry, meals, etc., I think reality will come crashing through.<P>To be honest, I can understand your wife's feeling both excited and stressed over the house. I'm seriously wondering if I truely want to work things out with my H. When I daydream about having him not here, and the sense of relief that would give me I get darn near giddy. Then the financial aspect rears it's head, and I decide I need to give this more thought. Single mom, four kids, one ex who already doesn't pay CS, the prospect of another, thinking of having to put my precious baby in daycare, not a happy picture. <P>Think of it this way, when your wife finally comes to her senses, you guys are going to have a great little rental property.

Rick,<P>Just a few late night random thoughts...<P>Your W says she's excited, just guessing, but like my W, maybe she never lived by herself before. My W went from her parents house right to our first apartment...then from our house(BACK)to her parents and finally into "her own place" in July<P>I lived away from home during law school so I had done the "live by yourself" thing before we were married. I wonder if your W, like mine, doesn't find the prospect of being "On their own" somewhat exciting??<P>As for the display of different feelings around you vs. her friends, I think it is typical. My W still wears her wedding band to work every single day (that's where she met the loser), and talks about US like there isn't a problem in the world, but the 2-3 times each week I see her she is NOT wearing her band more than 50% of the time.<P>Like you I am not sure of the status of her dealings(I choose not to refer to it as a "relationship") with the loser, I believe that they have diminished to the point that reality has sunk in and she just doesn't know how to undo all of the damage... so she stays away, so I stay in Plan A until I can't stand it anymore, going on month 10! <P>Not much encouragement here but just wanted to let you know you are not alone and my thoughts are with you.<P>One final thought, I read something today that gave me another boost of encouragement, for what's it worth...<P>"The next time you look in the mirror , ask yourself what you see. The answer will make you look at why you have or haven't performed at the necessary level. It may take you years for us to reap the crop for which we have sowed.<P>The story of the ancient bamboo tree describes this analogy in an explicit manner. The Chinese bamboo tree, when planted, nurtured and cared for, doesn't grow until the fifth year. The first year, it must be cared for, but nothing is shown for your efforts other than the satisfaction of knowing YOU HAVE DONE ALL THAT CAN BE DONE.. the second year the same thing happens as well as the third and forth years.<P>Finally, in the fifth year, it grows 90 feet in only six weeks of time. It doesn't grow an inch before that time, yet if is not watered, nurtured and cared for, it will not grow when it comes time to sprout...<P>What are you striving for that could take more patience and persistence than the Chinese bamboo tree? Just because you cannot see the efforts of your work does not mean that it will not pay off in the future. The only diffeerence between the one who wins and the one who loses is: The one who wins does not quit.<P>When the Duke of Wellington, who defeated Napoleon at Waterloo, was asked why the British army was so successful, his reply was that they had trained to always fight for an additional five minutes longer than everyone else had"<P>Here's to hoping our W's grow faster than the damn Chinese bamboo tree!<P>Jack

Rick<P>You have it all worked out just right. Sure the stresses are the commencment of the cracks in the fantasy. With what you have been doing for her lately she will surely be shocked to find out life in the REAL world once she moves. But as you say not till January, a little way to go yet. Maybe it will never happen.<P>I hope for your sake that she will begin to see how much she has been dependent on you cuz sometimes that isn't always so apparent until it isn't there anymore. Who knows she may come to her senses before the move, let's hope.<P>Keep up the good work on Plan A till then and I'm sure it will pay dividends in the long run. <P>Be sure and be firm but not LBing when you give her the ultimatum re staying at your place and her home when she feels like it. I agree that you need to put your foot down in this situation but how you play this out could be a difficult decision .<P>I wish you all the best and as you say the dynamics are changing which should at least give you a little break from the daunting task you have at present.<P>Take care.<P>

Rick - my wife showed the same excitement when she first moved out into her apartment. Getting new furniture, setting it up just the way she wanted, etc. That was in late August. It may be wishful thinking on my part, but the excitement soon wore off and now she's into the day-to-day hassles of living by herself while continuing the deception of the affair. I can tell her mind is a jumble and her moods change everyday. In a sadistic way, I'm getting a certain amount of entertainment watching. She doesn't realize the show she's putting on. You and I have the power that comes with the knowledge of the psychology of affairs. My SIL recently told me that I probably know more about what's going on in her head than she does. Keep doing what you're doing and play the high road.<P>WAT<BR>*************<BR>Time wounds all heels.

Thanks for the replies. She was going to be home after her bed was delivered last night, but got in around midnight. Quite predictable. Maybe they wanted to test the delivered goods in case there was a problem, who knows. I'm bracing for some kind of uproar soon, because now that she hasn't done any cooking, cleaning, laundry at "our" house, she'll probably want to go over there to "work on the house" all the time to prepare it for January.<P>Cloudy - Thanks for thinking of me. I read your update on SKM post, and that is great news that your husband read SKMs withdrawal. Keep us posted.<P>AM Hurt - Thanks for your kind words. I'll remember your comments about not fabricating those evil stories.<P>PamO - Thanks. The idea of a rental property has been briefly discussed on several occasions. She's told me that, I've told her that. In the beginning, just after she signed for the house, she freaked out, mentioned having made a mistake, mentioned "us" staying together, but said she'd made a terrible mistake with the house. I replied that we've already made money off it (prices keep going up here). So you are right, and you know what my goal is? She used to be a stay at home mom, then started working early 2000. Our life is a rat race now with her crazy hours, my new job, and her being out all the time. I try and do extra work late at night after the kids are asleep because of my new job, but I leave early some days to get the kids. Anyway, I don't like how things are so busy now, and I envision my wife quitting her job, and being self employed just looking after the rental property. It gives her a job with flexible hours. Anyway, I'm getting carried away with that, but you have to have dreams and goals.<P>Downbound Train - Thanks. Hadn't heard from you in awhile. Our wives are somewhat similar. Mine did not really live alone either. A brief stint, but she was at my place mostly anyway. Perhaps that is part of it. I like the bamboo tree analogy. Great way of looking at it. And I believe that my wife's original thoughts of a future with OM are not too strong (might be because of his position though), but like your wife, I sense that she has gone so far with this, that she has to continue, and wouldn't know how to undo it all. So like you, I just keep Plan Aing. And also, my wife has sort of three worlds. Her new friends, that think she is all happy and moving on with life, then home life and some reality (she lies about having money and where it comes from to her friends), all her old friends that know nothing, and her work life, whereby she pretends to clients that she is married and life is grand.<P>inlimbo - Thanks for the support and encouragement, and I'm following your situation as well, which is quite dynamic to say the least.<P>worthatry - Thanks. I like that statement "power that comes with the knowledge of the psychology of affairs". How true. It is as though we know more about what is in their head than they do. We've educated ourselves on it, they haven't. They are living a "pattern". I know what you mean by entertainment watching. Sad but true.

Sounds like there are some tense times ahead for you with the new house and all of the uncertainties. Talk about a sick feeling in your stomach! I think one of the hardest parts is to look at the person we love acting in such a way that is totally incompatible with how we see them. Part of me still can't believe what I'm witnessing. I'm sure your wife is temporarily excited about the "new place". Anything new will be somewhat exciting for a little while. However, at some point it won't be "new" anymore. It's hard to say how long it will take for her mind to clear. I am wondering the same thing. It just seems so OBVIOUS to everyone but the WS!<BR>As far as your little evil thoughts are concerned: yep, have them too! And, you know, it's a strange thing... As you may know, I went away for a weekend with a friend prior to him coming home. As a result of that, he seemed to go into some form of red alert. There were more than just a few questions about where I had gone, who I had been with, did I meet anyone, etc. etc. Even though I hate to let myself stoop to that level, it sort of made me feel a little better inside. It told me (maybe I'm wrong) that he really doesn't want to lose me after all. However, I told him that I did not meet anyone in particular, but rather a whole bunch of new people. In any case, it got him quite stirred up. In a way I feel it didn't hurt, as long as it is the truth.<BR>One thing to bear in mind, too is that anyone in their right mind would be grateful and appreciative to have someone like us in their lives! We are very worthwhile, dedicated, and loving people and sure deserve better than this!<BR>AR<BR>