I have been reading the boards for three months now. I don't know where all of your strenths come from but am so grateful that you share. My H had an A in July. He had been suffering from an emotional breakdown for about a year.(although I was unaware that this was what it was). He kicked me out of our home right before our one year anniversary. Filed for divorce, refused to talk to me at all. Then he became off and on loving, then detached. He met the OW online after I had moved out. He then went out of state(thank God) and had a four day A with her. Came home talked me back into the house, which wasn't hard. Then I found out about the A. This is very complicated and I do understand that the A had nothing to do with me. He had been abused as a child, which I was aware of when I married him, just was not aware of how bad it had been. He is very remorseful, understanding, thoughtful, loving, etc. He is doing everything right and we are making sure we don't love bash. My problem is even though I understand things, I can't seem to be loving towards him. We get along wonderfully outside of the bedroom, but when the time comes for us to go into it. I have panic attacks, I would rather have my blood drained then make love with him. I don't let him know the extent of these feelings, he is not really mentally capable of understanding this. I feel so cheated in so many ways. I know I need to overcome these feelings as he really does need to be able to feel my love in every aspect. My ? is how in the heck do I do it? I have read so many post from people that have had it so much worse and they feel more passion then before. I don't, our sex life was wonderful before this. I need advice on how to overcome this obstacle. Please help me. I know I got long winded but I need some help in moving past this before I push him completely out of my life. Thank you.<P>------------------<BR>Janie

Janie,<BR>I sympathize with your feelings, I am there too. My H had an office friendship/EA for 2 yrs. DD was mid June 00 (that is when I found out, but had expressed my concern about their one on one business day-trips.) At first I was obsessed with loving him, even though he was struggling with his guilt for lies, etc. <P>Now he is back to his normal self, and seems to want this past two years behind us, but I am stuck somewhere (behind the proverbial brick wall, I think) and can't seem to move. I apologized to him and he comforts me, more guilt.<P>In the past year I lost my step mother and then my father, dealt with breast cancer and treatments, and H had angioplasty with stents. I seemed to hold up through all of this (It amazes me!) but now I cannot concentrate, or find joy anywhere (with the exception of my new grandson) <P>My advice would be that you, too have built up some resentment, but because of the circumstances cannot talk it out. Have you tried counseling by yourself? Privately Journaling has helped me when I was very upset. Many here say there is a phase of what we are going through, I hope so. Hold on for the rollercoaster ride, I will be in there with you! L

L, thank you so much, at least I know I am not crazy, although a lot of the time I feel on the brink, when my H was going thru the worse. He cried all of the time, carried around a stuffed toy and was basically like a six year old. I loved him and was so compassionate, now he is getting back to normal although not completely.I don't feel like I am entitled to all of the pain I feel because I can't really hold him responsible. I too would like him to suffer like this but know in my heart that he is from the guilt I see in his eyes. If I get upset he cries. Takes the starch right out of you. If you know what I mean. It is hard to imagine this was my husband to whom I was so attracted to.(one reason I thought was his strentgh). Now I have trouble because I don't really feel I know this man. I have trouble talking about it (but I do) to him because he doesn't remember a lot of it. I just feel lost most of the time. I have trouble looking towards a future. Not too many know of the A. Although he did apoligize to his Grandparents for lying to them about me. (as to how bad I was). He also told them of the A. I know he is doing everything right. I am going to counseling and so is he, he goes to individual and group. I want to get over this so badly. I feel so sad that everything I thought we had was just a coverup for the person that had molested him for years. I just want it to be over. Period. This board is so great I get so much strentgh from you all. <P>------------------<BR>Janie