Here are some things I'm wondering about, assuming my wife is moved out in a few days. Any insight appreciated.<P>Do you continue to say "I'll be there for you" when she says "who knows, maybe I'll be back in 6 months". When is the point at which you say, "if I still want you". I suppose as long as you are in Plan A or Plan B, you say that? I'm sure some of you can relate, I feel like implying that a decision can't take forever.<P>If she asks me to come over to her place, to see it or for dinner, which she has mentioned at times, one part of me wants to say, no thanks, I don't want to see the place. Yet if a dinner invitation comes, then I suppose it would be foolish not to go, assuming you are still Plan Aing?<P>This reality of her moving is so fresh, I feel like not being so convenient anymore, almost like I was going to move to a Plan B. However, I don't think I need to do B yet. In other words, I feel like I should start clearing my mind and live my own life. But I probably need more Plan A, especially if the fantasy starts to crack. Not sure.<P>I feel like making one last motherly statement about how marital problems can be solved if two people want to work on it, because she has always said "it is too late", "we're different", all that regular stuff the WSs tell us. Also, maybe telling her to read a couple of books, or even MB. Do you think that is of any use? I'm guessing not at this point, till she indicates some interest in coming back?<P>And also, when do you tell her you are reducing the amount of life insurance that she is the beneficiary for, and then allocate it to the kids in trust. If she isn't interested in being my wife, then why would I leave it the way it is? Or is that an LB, and you leave things until later.<P>Do you change the answering machine to not say her name when you say "you have reached bla, bla, and bla"?<P>I know some of these things are silly, but I wonder if I should be promoting the fact that things are going to change if she is on her own.<P>I guess in general I'm just rethinking the next steps/strategy given that things will change.<P>Thanks.<p>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited November 02, 2000).]

Rick,<P>I am feeling very perverse today. So I would buy her a house warming gift. I would buy her "His Needs Her Needs" and give it to her saying that I hope this helps your relationship with OM. I don't want the mother of my children divorced but certainly not twice divorced. <P>Can you say <B>LB</B>? But, it does have a certain allure doesn't it? Maybe she would read it if she felt that it would help with OM. But of course it won't because he is perfect. However, she might notice a few needs that you do meet. As I write this maybe not such a bad idea, sort of a Trojan Horse.<P>Seriously, I would definitely go over there and treat it as a first date. Every time.<P>I would continue with Plan A, but I wouldn't tell her you will always be there. That isn't part of Plan A to make promises that you cannot fulfill or want to fulfill.<P>Yes, I think some distance would be good. I would get a baby sitter occasionally and go out: go to movies, have a beer with the guys, whatever. In short get a life and enjoy the life you get.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

One way to tackle this is to tell her something like "I know that you know how I feel about this situation. I feel that our marriage is worth saving and that we can work things out. I won't tell you again and will not make you feel any more guilty than you already feel. In the meantime, there are a few things that I am doing for myself to deal with it (then list a few things you will be doing for yourself, such as seeing a counselor, taking walks, reading books, keeping busy, etc.). <BR>Saying things like "if I still want you" I think are LBs. Try not to. I know it's tempting. I told my husband to "have a nice life" the other day (just got fed up). You'll feel bad afterwards, trust me on that one.<BR>It's possible to Plan A from a distance, I'm doing it right now. Don't suggest she read any books unless she asks you for suggestions. In other words, no advice unless it is asked for. There doesn't have to be "one last statement", you'll talk to her again. Just because she is moving out doesn't mean there won't be contact. This is assuming you'll continue Plan A. Plan B would be slightly different. There wouldn't be any further contact. I am struggling with that same decision. Plan B may be easier to deal with for you, I'm not sure. For me I guess I will continue A a while longer since there seemed to be some progress. I could be way off here. Maybe now would be a good time to set up a session with Steve or Jen?<BR>AR<BR>

Rick - I'll offer my answers based on my own experience, but I don't have time now. I promise to reply again in the morning (Friday) and I think I can help. None of your questions are irrelevant.<P>WAT

Rick,<P>Once again I offer my thoughts and observations based upon 12 months of living with this nightmare...it stopped being a mariage ...such a long, long, time ago<P>I can only rely my own experinces and attitude since "Sybil" moved into her own apt. on 7/1<P>1. I wouldn't go "there" if it was on fire!<P>She never took one stick of furniture from our home and from what I know she lives like a college student instead of the wife of a successful businesman.<P>2. I LOVE JL's suggestion for a housewarming gift! Is it a LB, maybe, does it drive home the point of her behavior, absolutely!...Only you can decide if it is appropriate<P>3. I'll again (strongly) reccomend that you call Steve H., he can advise you on the simpliest items ( send a housewarming gift?) to the most complex ( go "there" for dinner) <BR>better than anyone on the forum can - and I believe that you will benefit immensely from his counseling, good luck!<P>Jack<P><BR>

Rick - sorry for the delayed reply.<P>I think all the strategies of Plan A should continue, although it now becomes harder to fill any ENs. I invited my wife over for dinners and to watch movies - these always went pretty well, but she never invited me to her apartment - except to help her set up her new computer. My strategy was to continue treating her like I wanted her to come back. I even made a nice framed photograph to brighten up her frontroom. I didn't want to give her any excuse not to come back. It seemed all a big experiment which may not work out in the end.<P>I wouldn't advise her to read any books or anything right now - her mind is occupied with all this new excitement. You need to let the "new" wear off first.<P>We got separate checking accounts and we closed out all joint accounts. Don't forget to get her off your credit card if you have joint cards.<P>Absolutely, change the answering machine. She's not there! I even rearranged some pictures and other furnishings in the house to be symbolic that it is now MY house and I can do what I want.<P>If she follows the pattern of my wife, she will gradually become more distant and less personal - with the requisite roller coaster ups and downs along the way. My wife predicted we would all be happier with living apart - so far I'm the only one and she seems miserable except when she puts up the happy front for our son. Even he now thinks she's acting weird and is moody. Your mileage may vary.<P>Unless you have a legal separation, I wouldn't change life insurance beneficiaries yet. Consult your lawyer. Since we're legally separated, I did all that as well as changing beneficiaries for investments.<P>WAT<BR>**************<BR>Time wounds all heels.

When my H moved out to "be alone" which actually turned out to be wiht the OW, very little changed. I told him I would be here when he was ready. I didn't say "If I still want you by then" If he hadn't decided to come back until I got tired of waiting that would have been his tough luck! I always wanted him to feel like this was still his home. I kept pour wedding pictue on the mantel, his voice on the machine. He never made any attempt to have his mail sent elsewhere. The only thing he did was close out one of our savings accounts which had a lot of money in it. The rest of the accounts remained open and in both of our names. I spoke to a lawyer about the savings account. He told me that it was still marital property and he would have to account for it. If he couldn't produce half (in the event of a divorce) it would come out of his share of the equity in the house. I made sure home was safe and welcoming. When he started to come around (after about a month and a half) he would come over for dinner, we would go out etc.