I have not posted here much, but have a question you might be able to help with. <BR> My H and I are in recovery from his short EA with a classmate almost 2 yrs ago and things seem to be going well. It is a long story - I will explain if needed, but my question simply relates to this: <P> The EA was very short, he told me about it when confronted, and went to counseling for a while - realized that he had no real feelings for her, wanted our marriage to work, etc. He has made major improvements from not wanting to be married at all to saying he is committed to our relationship and meeting most of my ENs. The big one he is not meeting right now - Honesty!<P>I know I should be grateful that he is involved in our marriage etc -HOWEVER he still has intermittent and completely innocent contact with this friend. <P>I plan A'd while we were in the first stages of recovery since he was working so hard at rebuilding. There was friendly contact only then too- he would tell me when I asked if she had called, if he had seen her at school functions, etc <P>I know from the e-mails I have seen recently that it is innocent - no personal details, just friendly chatter - they were in a nursing program together and bonded over their shared experience. They are looking for jobs and taking Board exams - he exchanges the same type of e-mail with his other classmates. <P>They both realized and admitted they had poor judgement, yet the friendship continues. They don't communicate frequently.<P> - I have told him that I want the contact to stop. He has lied about it stopping in the past because he did not want to deal with the confrontation - (he is a major conflict avoider) Since he came home, they have e-mailed and called a few times. I have LB'd and gotten angry about the contact and lies and after our latest arguement - he says he will write the no contact letter. That was last Friday - they e- mailed today. <BR>He also told me in that arguement that he really still wants to be able to talk to her as a friend and that one other reason he has not ended all contact is that it makes him feel like a child being told what he "has to do".<BR> <P> My trust is at almost nil - I'm snooping and angry and know that Plan A is probably the right thing to do - I am just so pissed that we have come this far - things are mostly good - but he refuses to act in a way that communicates that he understands how painful, disrepectful etc. his actions are. <P><BR>I know you both have been on his side of it- even though the circumstances were different. What are your suggestions? I know it has to be his choice, etc. I tried it the plan A way - ignoring the contact, focusing on us - now for some reason I can't take it. Any help would be appreciated.<P><BR>I want to lovebust so bad - but I'm coming here instead. <BR>B

Bette -<P>Your right - on basically all of your points. He does need to realize that contact with this friend bothers you - he obviously knows it, but he doesn't k=like being told what to do. Because, in essence, you are asking him to be "mean," or rude to the OW in breaking EVERYTHING off with her.<BR>That's the way your H sees things now.<P>I don't have a lot of time to post, but do a search on my username - I think it was in the recovery section (or maybe the GQ section), but early on, I sought advice on whether or not you could be friends with the OP. I think I did two threads on it. One was a question, and one was kind of an emergency situation where the OM had contacted me, and I didn't know what to do. I think that one was entitled "Help." (LOL, cause that's what I really needed!)<P>It comes down to this, and your H does have to realize this - innocent or not innocent - contact with this OP, whether they "are just friends" or not - hurts you and its hurting your marriage. I fhe is serious about wanting his marriage to work, he needs to do everything he can to nourish it. You wouldn't feed poison to a plant to make it grow. The contact hurts you and your trust in him. . .You said it yourself, he has other classmates that he talks to - so WHY does he needs this OP's help - with school projects? That's bogus. He doesn't need a study partner, friend or anything else more than he needs you - so, yes he does have to realize that, but you might be able to show him my posts on that topic - so that he really can understand why no contact is important.<P>He can make other friends, have other study partners - ones who didn't almost destroyhis marriage. I think he's just afraid of hurting the OW's feelings, and he doesn't want to come across as the bad guy, or the mean guy. For a while I felt like a weenie, or a dweeb because I basically had to tell the OM that I could never talk to him again. It made me look like i was being controlled or that my heart wasn't in my marriage - I was only doing what my H wanted me to do.<P>But, I have to run. Check that out - I really think they were under the recovery section, though.

Hi Bette,<P>I truly understand your concerns! Continued contact under the guise of friendship really is dangerous. I would not be able to trust completely either. Your husband clearly doesn't seem to understand how you feel about his 'friendship' with this woman. Your feelings regarding this also doesn't seem to take priority over his need to have a friendship with her. This also leads me to wonder where the survival of your marriage is headed. Do you know what I mean? If your feelings regarding this are disregarded, then this in effect undermines the trust in your marriage. Until your H realizes this, his friendship with this woman will slowly drain you of trust, love, care, etc.<P>What can you do? Is your H willing to go to counseling with one of the Harley's? Is he willing to read Surviving An Affair? So many of us believe that we are in full control of our feelings, etc., yet we are never prepared for the temptations. The only way to not be tempted is not place ourselves in a situation in which they may occur. Your H needs to understand that he is placing himself in a situation where temptation may arise.<P>I understand he says that they are just friends, believe it was a mistake, and has <BR>real feelings for her. I'm curious, who initiated to end the affair? What do you know about the OW? Is she married? Something tells me that she initiated ending it.<P>Interesting that your H feels like he is being "told what to do." How old is your husband? Try reverse psychology...if it's so innocent, have him invite his classmates to your home to study, etc. You'll be in your element and can show her your loving family and home.<P>Continue to Plan A your H, and avoid LB as much as possible. Hope this helped.<P>MT

MT, SKM,<P>Thanks so much for your thoughtful replies to my post. FYI - They are no longer in school - they graduated in Aug and he came back home - He is looking for his first job OW went back to her home in Maryland. <P> H is 36, we have been married 9 years - together 14. OW is 26, never married. H ended EA before it became physical - or so he has always said. <P><BR> "If your feelings regarding this are disregarded, then this in effect undermines the trust in your marriage. Until your H realizes this, his friendship with this woman will slowly drain you of trust, love, care, etc."<P>MT - I told him this was the case last night after I posted. I let him know that I was having difficulty knowing what to do next regarding this issue - and that I don't feel about him the way I want to. I even told him I have considered staying with a friend to get away to deal with these feelings. <P>I have read SAA He asked me to show him the Goodbye Letter. He said he is willing to write it - I won't believe it until it is done.<P> I shared my sadness that we have come so far in rebuilding and this issue keeps us from moving foward. He responded lovingly to all my concerns - he says he understands when I tell him I am hurt. He also suggested that we work on some of our communication issues we have discussed in the past that concern me in relation to our future success. He says all this and I tell him that it will have to be proven. <P>He got upset during this conversation when I told him that the reason I knew there had been contact was through the spector program (spying - big LB for him). He already knew I was using it, that is how I knew they were in contact last month. In response to his anger and mistrust of me I asked him to think about how he felt for a moment and then consider how I must have felt every time he chose to lie about contact w/ OW. He said he had made that connection. I then uninstalled the spector program and told him it was a gesture in trying to help him feel safe in telling me the complete truth. <P>As I said - after all this he was very loving - he said he will initiate our next discussion, he loves me and will work at bettering our marriage - I guess I can't ask for much more - especially compared to many here. <BR>We'll see what happens - the proff will be in his actions. He has said it all before. <P>Thanks again. <P>B