Back to the TOP.<P>How are you all doing. Please, we want to know. We all care. <P>Jo

Hey Jo,<P>Thanks for asking.<P>My computer is acting up, so I hope I don't freeze again...I'll give it my best shot.<P>Well, after almost 5 weeks I saw my H last night. I had spoken with him earlier yesterday to tell him about some problems I was having with 18yo son. Well, H took the ball and went with it, came over when I was not home and told son to straigten up or get out. He got out.<P>I don't know where he is staying. I called son at work and he wouldn't talk to me. <P>So H comes over last night and ...well I was just a wreck. It's been a long couple of days. We talked for a couple of hours. He is not coming home, not talking about divorce. Says he's make enough mistakes in his life and he doesn't want to make another by rushing into D??? He has no loving feelings toward me, but feels a "tug" toward home???<P>I'm just sick of worrying about him and his feelings. I invited family over tomorrow night and I'm going to find my smile somehow. Started Yoga last week too...thanks to your thread about doing something for ourselves...see, I do listen once in a while.<P>I miss my son, but maybe we both needed a break. He told my husband to please just file for divorce, he couldn't take it anymore. The kid is in a lot of pain. I don't know how to help him. He ditched his counseling appt. I made.<P>Wish I could have come on with better news, but I have realized that I am a survivor dammit, and as my H told me today, I need to be strong right now, because he can't be anymore.<P>Jo, you inspire me every day to keep on trying to be a happy person. You are a shinging example to all of us here. I love your "update" threads. Thank you.<P>And I've gotta say Bernzini hon...keep the cat! For now anyway. You're making H crazy since you quit jumping through hoops for him. GOOD. Let him be the crazy one...sane looks good on you.<P>allison

It seems the better I am at controling my anger,the better things are for US. I realize that so much is beyond my control, or not mine to fix. I can fix me to my hearts content,and like the results. I am better, less needy, more generous. I still have down times, seems more now than before. Things are going better, so I feel there is more to loose if they go bad again.<P>Wife and I have been talking more, and better lately. I suppose with Divorce hearing coming up on the 20th we can't put it off too much longer. I told her that I didn't think we needed to divorce to work out our problems, but if she thought she needed that to make it work I wouldn't stop her.(filed for no fault/joint custidy.) I don't need to label her in order to go on.<BR>I have been looking for the things I love about her, and they are still there. I think we have made headway. When anger comes in the rest suffers, we get along so well when we cooperate. She calls to see what I'm doing, asks if I mind, I don't mind.It shows me she is thinking about me. I called her fri and she asked why, I said you know, she said why? told her because I love her, she seems open to this.<BR>Our house is on the market and we had said we would split the procedes 50/50. I talked with her on thur. She told me about a house she looked at,and when I heard about it I told her how I had looked at it too. Funny thing is it is more money than either of us could do alone. <BR>It seems like the we talk the better it gets. I'm still afraid to get my hopes up.<BR>I will keep everyone posted. not sure where I fit in, but I jump around to see where everyone else is. Thanks for the kind words when they are needed.

Dear Resilient et al,<P>Well, my baby landed in hospital last week and now is fine and discharged. WS rushed home from overseas to see baby. Very unusual because when the evil thing had him in her claws, he was not able to do anything for us. Couldn't buy me a decent present, couldn't do anything special for me and baby, etc., just in case the witch called and he couldn't lie and not remember his lies to the witch! Like it is said, liars have poor memory. But, I was the one who got all the lies!<P>Well, baby being so ill got me thinking a lot and I realised that managing stuff on my own is not such a big deal after all. Unfortunately, baby missed the father, hence the illness. Baby got well soon after WS returned and they couldn't let go of each other! Is it divine interference?<P>As for my own feelings: the witch sent a parcel of apology and present to WS. It is obvious the evil one is not going to return the money she extorted. I can't believe how selfish, self-seeking and destructive the witch is because even at this time, she is so convinced that she was right in doing everything to break up my marriage. It was like an investment to her and the risk is that all she has is that she lose the gamble and remain unmarried to my WS.<P>In some strange ironic way, I feel that our marriage was tested and it survived although it will never be the same again. My WS was tested and failed miserably according to him. He said he loved me more than before because he had wronged me. I still need the details and WS said he will answer along the way. I have also started individual counselling and will see two different counsellors, without WS's blessing.<P>I hate that an affair destroyed everything good about the marriage. I learnt a tremendous deal about people and evil intentions and I will use that knowledge to pray for my baby and my family and loved ones so that their lives are clear of such wickedness. Prior to this, I could never understand that there are such desperate women who would lower themselves to such means to snare a married man. I still find it hard to believe, perhaps because such treachery was in my very life, unlike reading about that in the news. Now, we have also decided to leave the court case and concentrate on mending our tattered lives.<P>Mostly, days are quite bleak because WS often get angry when I asked Qs but in the main, I am striving to heal for myself and baby's sake.

Shortly after the judge granted my H a divorce about a month ago (to be final 90 days later), my H announced that he would no longer be allowing the children to visit overnight because until the little one goes to bed all by herself and early enough for him. Of course by then he will have thought up a new excuse. He now sees them for dinner about 1.5 hours a week, and another 8 hours total during the month, a good deal of which is spent in the car. Last year he was anxious to go to teacher conferences; no he says he doesn't think he can. <P>He insisted on putting in the separation agreement that he would be able to see the kids sometime on Christmas day, which I don't have a problem with. Last year, he celebrated Christmas with them a day or two later - but my son pointed out the other day that he can't do that anymore, since he doesn't allow the younger 4 to visit simultaneously. <P>Don't ever let anyone tell you it ever gets easier. <P>

Hi everyone,<P>Firestorm and I are still hanging in, somedays good and somedays not so good. I've been rather depressed for the past several days, feeling as if no progress was being made and thinking that I should have listened to K's advice about Plan B before I started losing the love I felt for my husband.<P>But then this morning as I said my prayers, I felt that God was answering some of my questions about why our marriage was not improving. I know that my husband had not been totally honest with me about the affair, he had admitted that much. But God also revealed MY responsibility in that dishonesty (screaming, crying, blaming, withholding forgiveness). My husband and I decided to go to church this morning, no services were being held on Saturday but the church is also open for anyone to attend anytime they choose.<P>We read the Bible, prayed together, and my husband made a full confession to me before God and asked for forgiveness. I know it was the most difficult thing he has ever done. I hope it will be a real turning point for us.<P>So, while things are not so good right now, at least I have some hope for the future. I am remembering you all in my thoughts and prayers.<P>Peppermint

More update..<P>I just talked to my H. Although there's no word "plan A" is in my dictionary I did really well to my surprise(Thanks to you all ). He said he's really busy recording new album and also he has another project he has to work on so he thinks it takes about a month to finish the D paper. I didn't say things about OW, but again reminded him this was what he wanted. He seems feeling really down, and now he can't figure what he really wants.. He's close to the bottom. He said he would take med again and see a therapist. I said he said this before so we talk about it once he really gets some help. He even wanted to have a joint counseling at some point. He cried and said he missed me but he seemed trying not let his words out to this direction. I asked him if it was easier for him not see or talk to me(becauese that's how I feel about H), then he doesn't get reminded.. He said no, he thinks about me(or this situation) everyday.<BR>He again said he couldn't be honest to himself. I said to him I wrote some mean e-mails, and I'm too honest about my feelings so when I get mad I write these things.. but if he needed help I would be always there for him and he said he knew and the stuff I wrote, he accepted because he knew how much I was hurt.<BR>He said he needed to be alone for a while, and when he wanted to separate from me that was what he said, so I said to him he had said it before but I thought he was just making an excuse to be with OW. And now things bet. them were going well and it was kinda hard for him to tell her he wanted to be alone! He said that's what you think. I said what do you mean and he said when people wanted to be alone and being with someone is a problem.<BR>Anyway I didn't get into that since it was not my problem.<BR>He asked me if it was ok to be in touch so I said if he's ok with it I'm ok.<BR>At the end of the conversation he said he loved me, so I said to him, "I'm not gonna say anything to you, and I don't believe what you say, you have to show me the actions " I didn't say it in a mean way. And I said to him to take care of himself and hung up.<BR>Ok, I'm proud of myself(maybe some people here may be shaking their heads reading what I said!). I just don't want to get hurt anymore, and I hope he hits rock bottom soon so he will be forced to seek some help.<P>Meg

I forgot to add this:<BR>He seems doing pretty bad finacially so I couldn't bring up about him paying me for counseling..<P>In the past he usually applied for some grants and he usually got pretty good money from government, and when the pay for the gigs were bad they covered with it.. but this year they got NONE! So looks like he didn't make much money as he did for the last 2 yrs. I felt A LITTLE bad, but most of the part I was happy(am I bad?), and thought: 'what goes around comes around'<P>Meg

Nothing new here, just coasting. Last contact with H was last Saturday when he came over for his mother's birthday luncheon. He was very nice towards me, but awkward situation for us both. His family is much more comfortable around me than with him. He actually has taken himself out of the loop, and now lives a quiet existence. <P>Miss him a lot, but what can I do? He has to figure this out on his own and hopefully there will still be enough love left to rebuild. <P>In the mean time I am on Kauai visiting family and heading next week to another neighbor island to visit more family. I got my teeth bleached (not a fun experience) but now I'll have a winner's smile. Need every advantage I can get to help lift my spirits! My taerobix class is going well, really getting my frustrations out in those workouts. On some nights after the workout I feel like kicking some serious butt, OW better not be around when I'm in one of those moods. Seriously, I think it but could never do that. I am so non-agressive it's sad.<P>Otherwise, regarding the relationship, I'm truly just coasting! Blessings to you all, you're in my prayers nightly! <P>

Not much new going on here- I too am just coasting along. H moved out mid-August. No talk about coming home. We talk everyday and see each other a lot. His A continues, though appears to be very unstable- possibly ending? <P>Kids seem to be doing well- miss Daddy, but coping and we are having fun!<P>I get impatient at times but hanging in there. H has had 1 session with Steve Harley and I have had 2. Will try for more when the funds are available!

Hi all well..update<BR>H is working again...I hope this will help with his self esteem...<BR>I spoke with him this morning...<BR>I asked ok now that your working and we are just coasting along ...What do you want to do.<BR>We aren't moving in either direction ..<BR>He said I know...I said well you really don't want to be married anymore do you? His reply No..I don't...<BR>I said ok then you must take the Divorce off of hold <BR>He said ok I will call your attorney tomorrow.<BR>I said ok...tried not to cry but I could feel the sobs starting to break thru so I said well I"ve got to go and hung up...<BR>The tears really started flowing then...<BR>Kept telling myself...your going to be ok...you'll get on with your life...you can get thru this....<BR>Then the phone rings and it's H..<BR>No I'm not going to take the divorce off of hold I'm not ready to give up 29 years...<BR>I know I said this can always be undone later...but why go thru the hassel and hurt if 3 months down the road...I once again find out I've made the wrong decision.<BR>Who says there is a time limit on getting Divorced....Let's give it more time...Please.?<BR>So I said ok...but I can't be left in the dark...So he said I will ask to speak with you when I'm done talking to our son....so we can keep in touch...<BR>So once again we are on a holding pattern...<BR>He did say I think we will both know when the time is right and right now we're both not ready to end this marriage....<BR>In the beginning of the conversation I told him since we were still seperated if I had been asked to go out(with someone) I guess it was safe to assume I could go and he said why? have you been asked....?<BR>I said yes...he said then go out...<BR>A dinner or movies with someone is ok...you don't have to sleep with the guy...then he said UNLESS you want to....<BR>I told him I can't do that becasue I am still married to you and committed to our relationship...<BR>When he did call back...I told him you don't need to change your mind because I'm upset...<BR>He said I'm changing my mind because I'm upset and am not ready to do this....<P>So where am I now...in between....<BR>Between recovery and divorce....not a very good place to be....<BR>Oh well...I pray things will turn around one way or the other soon.<P>

Oh God Tyra,<P>Your poor little heart...what a tug of war.<P>I didn't realize you'd been married 29 years. <BR>I just am amazed by your post, how do you handle all this back and forth? My H, too, is confused as all hell, but to have him say yes to divorce, and then call back and say no...that's a lot to take. Are you ok?<P>I see it as a good sign, at least his brain is functioning...at least he's looking at his heart. <P>My H recently said to me about D..."I've make enough mistakes in my life, I want to make sure I'm not going to make another one." So, I guess you and I really are in the same holding pattern. What scares me is he's going to go out and fall madly in love with someone and that will be his MO for going ahead and divorcing me. He's too much of a coward to do it without having another woman involved in his decision.<P>It's very un-MB for me to say this, but go out and date if you want to. It'll make you feel good about yourself, and it'll make your husband nuts. There is a guy I work with who is intersted in me, and even though he is NOT my type, it makes going to work every day a little more fun knowing he's hanging around my desk thinkin' I'm kinda cute . Helps the ole self esteem that's been battered and bruised.<P>As we say here Khyra...give him space, give him time, live your own life...and live it well.<P>I love that saying...living well is the best revenge. <P>Let's not let their craziness affect how we feel about themselves. We were good enough to marry, bear their kids, stay with for 20+ years. We went through the lean times, the good times...the horrible times. We made mistakes, but loved our husbands...it's up to them now to take the easy way or the hard way. It comes down to character...theirs, not ours. I know who I am...that my character is in tact...and I can sense yours is too. I've apologized for everything I did wrong in my marriage...sincerely, not to get him back. What else can we do hon?<P>I do see a commonality to something the posters who are the betrayers say on here. When their fog lifted...they saw the person there again...strong, firm in their beliefs, supportive, understanding. If and when our H's fog lifts I want him to see that sort of person. Not the wreck I've become. <P>You have my undying respect. You are still up and going after the conversation you recently had with your H. If I didn't understand all this stuff I'd think you (and I) were nuts...but no...we get to be the sane ones, regardless of where this goes.<P>allison

I've never posted on the update thread, but why not start now. Guess I've been around long enough now to have an update (since mid August I think).<P>Sunday (today) my wife seemed to complete her move, had her new place painted, stuff fixed up, and was supposed to come by before the kids went to bed. Didn't make it. We did have dinner at McDonald's with the kids before that.<P>This will be a strange night. First one alone without my wife. She says she'll be over at 6AM to make everyone breakfast. We'll see what happens.<P>I don't know whether OM is still an on thing now, or if they have reverted to friends. I believe that is what they have been trying to do, but I suppose regardless the feelings are still there, thus keeping her foggy.<P>Recent plan was to tell the kids about this after Xmas, then start the real joint custody. Nevertheless, she says in 6 months, who knows, I might be back. Asked me if she is scared alone tonight, can she call. I said sure.<P>I wish you all the best.

Hey Gang!!!<P>My little update. I couldn't be better!!! My life and the business are doing great. I picked up my D present 2 weeks ago and have put many miles on it already taking road trips and enjoying myself again.<P>The D has been a difficult road, not because of feelings for her anymore, because of the road blocks. <P>First I sign what the lawyer tells me to, I then piss Val off enough for her to sign hers. She was holding out for the longest time, I have no idea why, she has had a BF for the last 3 years. I figured he would want her to be free and clear as well.<P>Then, I find out I have to sign another paper, ok let's get on with the show here. Everything is signed, ready to go to the judge for the final decree.<P>A few weeks ago I get a bill from the lawyer that I still owe money, hold on snapper head! I paid you in full last year, only to find out that the papers are still sitting on HIS desk. An accounting error is holding up the D. So I had to go down to the bank to get copies of the check so this can come to a resolution. Waiting for the cancelled check at this point.<P>And then to top it off, Val knew about the delay and didn't tell me of it for over a week until I found out on my own. GADS!!!<P>I can only imagine that the judges pen will run out of ink, what next?<P>So, bottom line is I'm doing great and looking forward to the future and meeting Mrs. Right for Zippy.<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Tim

Hey everyone, Thanks to you guys, LIFE IS GOOD!!! This site is a beacon in the night.

Az Allison<P>Yes I am holding on okay....Each day that goes by I let go alittle more...or at least my expectations deminsih...<P>If I don't expect soemthing I'm not disappointed when it doesn't come to pass...<P>What is hard is putting my guard up...It seems that as soon as I let it down...BAM...I get jolted into reality AGAIN.....<P>I know H is going to be furious that even though our D is on hold...for medical reasons I am having my H's new employer served with a wage attachment order...<BR>I just couldn't wait...to see if and how much he was going to send me when he got paid.<BR>He hasn't offererd any information like I'll send you this much on this date....and from past experiences he didn't send any support until ordered by the court....<P>So I have to get myself prepared for the raft when he finds out...which should be this week...I did send him and e-mail to warn him and my reasons for doing it...but when I spoke with him last he said he wasn't reading his e-mails....so it is out of my hands....We can't talk right now about money issues..it is a very touchy subject...and he looks at it as a LB....<P>I will still leave the D on hold....but I'm not sure he will...<P>So this may once again blow the lid off our stalemate...<P>I hope not...but who really knows.....<BR>I'll keep you posted....<BR>Tyra<p>[This message has been edited by Tyra (edited November 06, 2000).]

I've been kind of like the stock market but today I'm happy and strong. <P>Learning a totally new field of nursing so I can get out of my marriage-destroying job and hours. (Loneliness played a big factor in my H's A.) It's nerve-wracking--everything is greek to me--but even if I were'nt with my H, I think this would be a great career move.<P>Everything else I could say is just future plans and I don't want to jinx it yet. But it looks good. Will have to wait for future updates.<P>And I'm thankful for my life. Wow.<BR>

This is a good update. H has settled into new job with 3 day work week. He is happy and affectionate, more like he used to be. We continue conseling though it shouldn't be necessary too much longer. <BR>Thanks to those who helped and all others for the good information and support. L