I'm looking to change careers and am having difficulty landing a job in my new field. Came across an opening yesterday that I got really excited about but in an area that I have never sought employment before. When H came home, I began to tell him about it and was asking him about possible networking contacts to speak to. He gave me one. I also wanted to talk more about my insecurity about seeking work in this area but he didn't give me a chance... told me he needed to take a nap. I needed support and encouragement from him, but he didn't have time to do so. I needed to run an errand so I left, but I began a cryfest as soon as I pulled off. <P>I drove his car and noticed that while I was inside on of my stops, he had 5 calls on his cell phone. I checked the numbers and there were two. I "thought" that one of the two numbers was from his last OW, but it has been so long, I wasn't quite sure. Became curious, but not pissed. Lo and behold, the phone rings and its that number (caller id). I answer, its a woman and she asks for some guy. I tell her wrong number. Still not pissed, but certain, at least, that call is from a woman.<P>Get home and do reverse look-up on internet. You guessed it! Now mind you, the last contact I am aware of is over two years ago!<P>When H returns, I ask him, about the calls. He says he has no idea. We go back and forth about how she would have his new cell phone number, etc.<P>But what gets me most is, he tells me he has to leave and doesn't have time to talk about this! Granted, he was preparing for a major meeting scheduled for the next day. In fact, he had to leave last night to greet his people who came in to attend meeting.<P>BUT, he had time to drop 1 child over a friends, take other child to Taco Bell, take care of some rental property banking business, etc. (This was all after the confrontation)<P>I asked why he couldn't take 30 minutes out to discuss this with me. He said he thought it would take much longer than that. I told him that I didn't believe he has no idea why these calls occurred. He did/said NOTHING in the form of reassurance,etc. I mean, is it me, but if you are genuinely taken by surprise, and your marriage is on the line, wouldn't your reaction be more believable?<P>He did nothing to persuade me to believe him AND he wouldn't take time to deal with it.<P>Am I overreacting? (Give it to me straight, no chaser)<P>Enlightened

E:<P>You aren't overreacting. Your husband is displaying the same behavior mine did when he was still inolved with his OW and having daily cellular contact....complete with the indifference and coldness.<P>I don't know how long your husband was in his affair or when your d-day was, or if you were ever seperated, but it sounds like something is still going on...whether it be phone contact only or something else.<P>For five months I instinctively did a Plan A and didn't even know it because this occurred before I found this forum and read the Harley Principles. My husband severed all OW contact and snapped out of his coldness about five months after that.<P>It's been a year and a half since withdrawal ended and he is doing a reverse Plan A on me now...it's very strange how things can change so dramatically. Don't give up, E. Study the principles and Plan A your heart out for as long as you can.<P>If your spouse is being dishonest or your gut is telling you something is amiss, trust your instincts and don't panic. Just work a good Plan A and pray for change and guidance.<P>Here's hoping you will bring about change and reel your husband back into being involved with you and your marraige.<P>Catnip =^^=

Dear Enlightened,<P>Like my counsellor have said "once a man commits adultery, it is easier for him to commit the next one". You really need a trained marriage counsellor (church pastor or professional) to help you both work towards acceptable boundaries of behaviour, needs, trust, communications, love and commitment and the future.<P>Most importantly, you both need to address the issue of "what do you want to do with the marriage". You need to let your H know that you need him fully in the marriage and that such betrayal only set you and the family back.<P>Please seek help.<P>God Bless<BR>weep

Thanks for the replies.<P>FYI for Catnip:<BR>(H has had 3 affairs; I discovered last two. Last one ended (?) over two years ago. I sought individual counseling after first discovery. H has always refused counseling.)<P>For the last two years, I have stayed in the marriage because I am leave on my terms but the door has been open for him to work w/me on recovery. Can't say that I have been on any specific "plan" but have honored my vows and respected him as my H. After his repeated affairs, let's say I'm somewhat "gun-shy" about opening my heart to him.<P>The new development is yet another example of how things are "dealt" w/in our marriage. He's away @ his meeting. When he called last night, he talked about everything but that. When I asked, he again said I have no idea where that call came from. He said you know I was trying to get ready for my meeting and we would talk about it. I said ok, why not now. His response, "we'll talk about it" I said no, its not going to be like that this time. I will not be dismissed again. Dead silence for about 5 minutes. I told him I had to go.<P>Now mind you, his office is in our home and his meeting is being held at a local hotel. He came home last night to pick up some paperwork; acted as if nothing was wrong. Didn't expect him to come home and didn't ask for a "discussion" He called when he returned to his hotel room. He tells me in his conversation that he had been to the mall and that he had met some friends out. So tell me, is this someone who has no "time" to talk about this?<P>I agree, counseling is definately needed. But what do I do when he flat out refuses?<P>Also, to be honest, after dealing w/this for so long, I'm not real interested in doing the work on this marriage alone anymore. <P>Weep, I would like to tell him the impact that this has had on me this time, but he doesn't want to hear me. I suppose I just need to say what I have to say in a sentence or two and not expect a discussion.<P>Enlightened <P>

Dear Enlightened,<P>Speak to him and then write a letter to him. You may want to include a tract or a book for him as well. There are some Christian titles from 'fallen preachers' who repented and have written books about their fall from grace and subsequent return to the fold.<P>Be joyful, be cheerful in the Lord and be full of life, and you will find living much easier. You will become irresistible, too. Go out and socialise with your friends and have them home for social gatherings or even prayer meetings, etc..<P>God bless<BR>weep