I'm sorry this rambles, but this is driving me nuts. My wife (WS) has become increasingly hostile towards me in the last few weeks. We are separated (2 1/2 months), but interact frequently due to the care of our son, for which we have joint custody. For awhile I felt like Plan A was working - we had pleasant outings and cookouts with no arguments. She made subtle hints that she just needed more time. There was usually a hug when she departed. There were no discussions of the A since she's always denied it - according to her, the separation was warranted by our marital problems and she moved out because I wouldn't. Recently the A has come up from different sources and she blamed me for starting rumors. On Halloween, she got to the house too late to see our son in his costume and accused me of denying her this pleasure. Get this, she said she felt "betrayed" because I deliberately prevented her from participating in this annual ritual. Duh - she's the one who moved out and now is PO'd she missed a family event? Next, she's mad at me because I took over the project of finding a Play Station 2 for his Christmas - we had agreed on this and I failed on the first day they were available, so my SIL has an opportunity through her son's employer to get one, but W wasn't prompt at communicating with SIL, so SIL and I decided to coordinate it. W again accused me of trying to keep her out of the loop on this. I had no intention of any such thing. We argued on the phone about it and I LB'd by asking her why she's treating me so poorly? I told her she can't be mad at me about missing family events because she's the one who moved out and she better get a grip on reality. She again gave me the line that she moved out because I wouldn't. I said, "No, you moved out because you were having an affair with OM." I told her that if she wants a divorce I'll give her one right now (in our state immediate divorce can only be based on infidelity if you have children). She didn't answer and finally hung up on me, but not before saying she didn't want to talk to me and she cancelled her planned attendance with me at our son's school social function for parents on Saturday.<P>It seems my wife is using me as the whipping boy for everything that she's angry about - even stuff that she shouldn't be angry about. She seems paranoid that everything I do is somehow intended to hurt her, where the opposite is true. On Halloween, I took our son to her apartment after he was done Trick or Treating so she could see him and she wouldn't let me in (possibly OM was there) and was still furious that she couldn't see him earlier.<P>Is this all due to her needing to vent someplace due to her subconscious guilt and shame? She's never admitted the A, but knows many people assume it. Is her new angry attitude a buildup of the continuing denials and deceptions? Any insight out there? Recommendations? Right now I'm laying low.<P>WAT

I think this attitude she has is the culmination of things not being as rosy as she thought they would be. I think laying low is the right approach, coupled with whatever Plan A you can do. She is sinking and you are standing tall. In SAA and His Needs/Her Needs, as well as other books, like Divorce Busters, this kind of realization and reality are talked about. They don't anticipate all the impacts that leaving will have on their life and the children. Family activities is just one, then there is financial support, quality of life, the immense guilt, and much more. I think we all fear that our WS will leave and not experience this, but take away the fear and logically it will probably happen for most. I think then if you have been Plan Aing, you just look that much more attractive.<P>As you know, my situation is changing and my wife is leaving, so I'll no doubt be following in your footsteps because our situations are similar. The way I see it, they need to hit rock bottom before they will look towards us for support and possibly coming back. If your wife didn't start to exhibit some of this anger and illogical reactions, then you might be worried. But this is expected from what I know, and is more of an indication that the grass isn't so green where she is.<P>I think you should just hang in there and keep Plan A going. Notice she isn't jumping at the divorce offer. Mine never wants to talk about that either. A few months ago, when I mentioned that she was headed for one, she kept saying "I never mentioned divorce, just need some time".<P>Hang in there. And many thanks for your post this morning on my request for help. Clears up some things. I have plans to rearrange furniture and do some painting.<p>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited November 03, 2000).]

Thanks, Rick - let's keep in touch. She was so angry last night that I think we took a big step backward and I know I LB'd some. She won't be coming to me for anything any time soon. She's stubborn and financially independent. I expect a long time will pass before she'll admit to any mistakes. In her mind, she didn't make any.<P>But why all the venting to me - am I an easy target? If she remains furious at me for whatever reasons, why would she come to me for support when that time comes? Is she projecting her guilt and shame via anger at me?<P>WAT<BR>**************<BR>Time wounds all heels.<p>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited November 03, 2000).]

Dear worthatry:<P>Armchair is all I'll ever be, but IMHO your perceptions are dead on. Your W is angry at you because she is guilty about what she is doing. She is infatuated with OM, and doesn't dare flame at him, because there is no trust built up between them there. She flames at you because you're the safe target, she trusts you, she knows deep down you are faithful to the marriage. But you are in her mind the one to blame for all her unhappiness. You may actually be to blame for some of the unhappiness; there are always 2 sides to every relationship. But truth be told you're not involved with another woman; she's the one with the outside distraction.<P>I think you're doing fine. Don't worry about the LB's. (Easy for me to say!) The fog will lift sooner or later. <P>It seems that when the WS is screwing up in their lives they cast the faithful spouses in a bad light. (This is your post so I won't ramble about what happened in our therapy yesterday.) <P>Keep on Plan A'ing. Take care of your little boy, keep the house picked up, (hire a service if you can fit it into your budget) and keep coming here to vent.<P>And a silly suggestion, but I make it often: Get supermarket flowers every week, keep a fresh [cheap] arrangement where your W will see it whenever she comes to the house. Even if she doesn't notice it consciously, it will sink in on a subliminal level that home is a place of beauty. Don't let the flowers sit dead. It will take 5 minutes. Maybe even put it someplace with a family picture close by! Not like you're setting up a shrine or anything, just like a reminder of the beauty of your family.<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Thanks, Belle, DG. Please ramble about what happened in your therapy if you have the time.<P>WAT<BR>****************<BR>Time wounds all heels.

I like the flower idea! I've always loved flowers and they do add a certain cozyness and beauty to the house. As a matter of fact that was one thing my husband did for me before he left for OW and it used to make my day to get flowers. Maybe I'll pick some up for myself tonight. He's supposed to come over for a talk. We'll see how it goes!<BR>BTW: I agree that the hostility is probably more directed at your wife than you. I think it is a common reaction when you realize you've made a mistake and can't admit to it.<P>AR<BR>

Something in your post struck a chord in me and I had to jump in. After a month and a half, H finally contacted me and wanted to talk. He was missing me, but couldn't commit to the relationship or to coming home.<P>At that time he said he understands why our family and friends are shocked and disappointed in him. He suggested counseling for the two of us (I had been going alone). At the 3rd session, he revealed that he was angry and resentful that his friends/family think badly of him and he blamed me for what was said and how it was said. He understands that I was devastated, but still he was bitter. I couldn't believe it! I couldn't believe that this responsible, upstanding person wasn't taking responsibility for his actions. He was feeling the heat and he was blaming me! <P>I agree with those that posted to you, that life for them isn't as rosey as they thought it would be. Reality and consequences of their actions are staring them right in the face. My H has been avoiding me, he just can't handle the guilt. He knows how much I am hurting and he can't handle it. It's easier to be angry and to stay away than to be faced with it.<P>We haven't had an exchange of bitter words, we are usually very careful of things we say. I love my H very much and miss him, too. The only thing I can do is live my life and hope he finds a way to heal and forgive himself. Until he can do that, we'll be status quo.<P>Blessings to you, Many Tears.

Worthatry - Since I still want your vote for Presidency, read my lips okay my mouse, my cursor, whatever it was I invented or intitiated. . ."No New LoveBusters."<P>Bellvue said it pretty well for me. . .She CAN take it out on you - so she does. She cannot show her ugly side around the OM - or he won't love her anymore (if he even loves her, anyway). I think she's swimming in stress. . .You are being this really nice guy (put aside the little LBs here and there), and she can't handle that. My mom used to always say "Kill em with kindness." I know it sounds old-fashioned, but she is creating arguments with you because there's really nothing wrong with you - you've got your ducks in a row - she's the one who doesn't really have confidence in what she is doing.<P>Keep being the good guy that you are. . .She may be mad because, maybe she now knows that what you're saying really is the truth and that's hard to swallow when you think you've been right all along.

She's probably cracking from so many decisions and pressure. Although a good Plan A can make things wonderful, it also brings about some revelations that she might not be ready to face. For example, if she justified her behaviour by saying you were the bad guy, yet you are not acting like the bad guy, she has to look elsewhere for the blame. That might lead her to look at herself- something she might not want to do. So, it's easier to blame you for everything whether it is rational or not.<P>It also could be that she's missing her family life and doesn't want to think she brought all that on herself.<P>It could be that things are not so green on the "single" side of the fence.<P>It could be that she's missing YOU and wondering if she's doing the right thing.<P>She may be worrying about her mental and financial stability. In fact, it is probably a little bit of all these things.<P>I'd say give her some space, keep Plan A-ing, and let this run its course. This is something only she can deal with.

WorthaTry,<P> Rick hit the nail on the head. My wife acted just like yours for a long time. I think a point that has been missed is the anger directed at you could at times be intended (sub consciencely?) to provoke an ugly response from you. If you act ugly then it will match her distorted view of you she used as justification to trigger an affair. Kinda a self reinforcing type of thing. Plan A'ing is the right thing to do, but when the WS has really stretched reality to get that negative view of you the more upset they are that you are not following their game plan of acting like an Ogre. Right now, in a way, you can consider using her anger as a measure of how well your Plan A is working. That is only if you know you are not Lbing or trying to provoke her. <P>I can recall one of those ugly WS days when I asked my wife the standard what's wrong, can I help, and she finally yelled, "Why are you being so nice to me?". That was kinda the turning point for that type of behavior. From there on out she just started assuming that I must have some alternate agenda for being nice. <P>Hang in there and when it really gets bad just ask yourself if you can make it through the day.<BR>

My H moved out and we were seperated for a year before we finally decided to save our marriage.<P> I remember saying to him once that he must love the freedom of living on his own. Coming and going when he wanted to. I told him that I sometimes envied his freedom, being a single mom with 4 kids but I would never trade places with him. He just said that he hated living by himself. All he did was work, eat and sleep. He said that most days he was really depressed and he physically didn't feel good most of the time.<P>It takes its toll. They really get to see what there giving up and all the things that they will miss regaurding kids and family life.<P>Just be the best person you can be. Enjoy the things that you have like your son. If your wife is not pushing for divorce there's hope that she will come around.<P>Thoughts and prayers<P>SL

Thanks for all the words of wisdom and kind support. In retrospect, it seems the beginning of her hostile attitude coincided with her needing to deny the affair on a couple fronts - including my offer in a Plan A letter to be here for her when she ends her affair. So I'm thinking the real hostility is motivated by her continual denials - and the facts she doesn't want to face or admit. I and others keep putting the truth in front of her face. She broke up two families - the OM's family beiing very instrumental in the care of our now deceased son (8/99). Her guilt must be magnified by this. Today it's to the extent that she refers to me as "mean" and "evil." I countered by sending her some flowers that she'll receive in the presence of our son.<P>WAT

Update - Once again she had our son all day Saturday with none of the normal communication - as if she's trying to keep "family" time an impossibility. She did thank me for the flowers and said it was very thoughtful, but I'm suspicious of her sincerity. It's like she's doing a reverve Plan B on me. I know all the advice has been to expect this, but it still hurts and is hard to see the eventual benefit. I feel we're currently getting further apart and she may have changed her attitude about the possibility of eventual reconciliation. Any encouragement out there? Thanks.<P>WAT

Worthatry.....I admit to not knowing all of your story....and I have a few thoughts that immediately come to my mind....from the viewpoint of a woman who had an affair...<P>I cannot express how much I regret what I have done.....to the point that I have not really forgiven myself.....<P>before I share my thoughts here....I am going to pray....for wisdom and guidance....so many times I do not do that and regret what I have said later.....<P>love your wife and show her respect right now....<P>more later<P>stilldreamin

worthatry,<P>First, thanks for your posts regarding my situation. If they only knew it is like they are all playing the lead role in the same movie.<P>The fact that your wife said something nice about the flowers is good. She could have ignored it, and at least she knows you care and are thinking about her. In some weird way, they don't want that to be the case, but seems they can't help being a little pleased. And I don't think eventual reconciliation has become less likely for you. Some of these situations drag on for awhile, and it changes alot, as we all know.<P>I'd just keep doing what you are doing.

Another update - yesterday afternoon she called and asked what I wanted on my Christmas list - just like normal - no hostility at all. This woman must be a Jeckle (SP?) and Hyde, or a master actress who can change moods and attitudes at will. Maybe she got a big emotional boost after spending the weekend with our son and I suspect is anticipating her Sunday evening with OM. What a ride!!<P>WAT

Like you said this weekend, this is twilight zone stuff. Mine does the same sort of thing....nasty one day, then acts like everything is normal the next. Certainly is a ride allright.

We as people expect other people to react in ways that we would react...do things in ways that we would do them.....what we need to learn is that they are not us...not even close.....and we have to learn to accept that......<P>I think this is the reason we are often caught by surprise when they do the things they do....we are not them.....<P>worthatry.....are you willing to accept your wife....warts and all.....just the way she is?? are you willing to love and respect her just the way she is....I think that is the first step you must make to really salvage your marriage.....<P>

stilldreamin, thanks for your reply - Yes, I love and respect her, but no, I am not willing to accept her just the way she is at the moment. At the moment, she is not "my wife" nor the mother of our son. But I am willing to accept her once she realizes what she has done, takes responsibility for it, and takes steps with me to fix the things that created the environment for her affair to occur.<P>Did I misunderstand your question?<P>WAT

no you did not misunderstand the question....<P>why has your wife not admitted to the affair?? She is suffering all the consequences, so why does she not cleanse herself to you, and to God???<P>I realize that if she is having an affair she needs to repent of that action....and work towards reconciling with you.....this is the only way that you can begin to trust her again....<P>The reason I ask is because in my own case I feel my husband's love of me is conditional.....I have quit a job to **prove** my love, I have ended friendships with girlfriends of 20 years to **prove** my love, I have quit talking with my sister to **prove** my love......and my husband continues to find other things that I can do to **prove** my love.....his love is conditional.....I hope and pray that you show your wife the unconditional love of our LORD..... she is a creation of God.....pray for her life to be touched and that she embraces the love of our LORD......you cannot change her....that is why you must accept her the way she is....God loves her, even if she does not repent right away.....God loves her...He does not approve of adultery, but He loves the adulterer.....<P>peace to us all......<P>