Where do I start? Freeform rambling is as good as any other place. I feel like I am becoming 2 seperate people. One is kind, honest and the word honor means everthing to me. The other is mean. Angry. Spiteful. W has bent over backwards to meet all my demands. She holds me at times and sobs/whispers "please don't leave me."<P>So half of me says "I will never leave you" ...<BR>The other half wants to say "piss off, slut. I'm outta here"<P>Anger is my drug. It is a comfortable and fimilar pain. As long as I'm burning from the fire of anger, no other pain can come through.<P>I hate this.<P>I want to kill off the dark half but he has a stronger force of will than the light side. I am afraid the battle will not go well.<P>all i ever wanted was to be included<P>i'm slowly dieing<P>i have a W that many people here wish their spouse would act like. ... repenante, sorry, wants only to stay with me, feels undeserving of me but she can not make it up to me if we are apart. ..<P>and at the end of the day, I wipe the scowl off my face. tell myself "happy", "be happy", everything is going to OK" and I walk into my house being A kind husband, loving father, and hiding the secret stranger that lives in my chest.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>As long as I'm burning from the fire of anger, no other pain can come through.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That's it, exactly. Anger is a shield that your mind uses to keep from hurting. And, this is a great place to vent, so vent away & we'll listen.<P>But, think about this--the problem with having your "anger" shields up is that it also deflects other feelings. It self-perpetuates the hurt, loneliness and pain, bcs nothing can get in or out thru the shield.<P>You have every right to be angry. But, it kinda sounds like the anger isn't fading, isn't letting other thought-processes have their turn. And, you & your marriage NEED that to happen.<P>I'd strongly suggest you see a counselor, Joe.<P>Hugs--<P>Kathi<P><p>[This message has been edited by kam6318 (edited November 03, 2000).]

Joe in TX<P>I have been where you are right now. Its does feel like your soul is dieing. Have patience with yourself, give yourself sometime to heal, it's ok to be angry, your doing the right thing, one by venting here, two, by keeping hurtful angry words to yourself. I found knocking the crap out of a pillow with a bat helps. I actually at one time could vision (quite clearly) myself hitting my WS with a bat. Scary. The anger will ease eventually, trust me on this one. I didn't believe it when I was told, but it does happen. There is a light a the end of the tunnel. I know listening to the WS saying how sorry helps some, but there was also, as part of me that wanted to say shut up..you liar..just shut up..if it wasn't for you I WOULDN'T have to even deal with this. Time..it will take time. I know at this point the comfort of the arms of the WS seems like a means to an end, but hold your W, and let her hold you, it is really the only thing that helps in the end, I realize, that WS is the one who caused the pain, but they can also take it away, (well, decrease it) and help you through this...Hold your W and hold her tight..it helped me, so very much, it was just very hard to do it,and let go of the fact of what my H had done. But it is possible. I will pray for you, and your W. God Bless you.<P>Noodles<P>PS I agree with the above comment of Counceling...It has helped me alot..as well as my WS in dealing with the all comsuming anger, expecailly for him understanding it and helping me deal with it. <p>[This message has been edited by noodles (edited November 03, 2000).]

Joe in Tx,<P>Well, your post was free form and I think my answer will be too. <P>My first thought when I read your post was to say: " Show this post to your W". Reasons: one she will better be able to handle the situation as the "battle" rages within you. Second, it may help open up a dialoge that will help you both.<P>My second thought was you shouldn't tell her. It may discourage her and her efforts to "make it up to you". But as I think on that I feel that advice is sort of selfish. Of course so was what she did.<P>My next thought was I am not surprised you feel this way. It would seem most do and it really hasn't been that long since discovery. In Harley's books and in many other books the time frame is measured in years (roughly w years). So you are, it would seem, in a normal position.<P>And finally as I rethink you whole situation, I suspect that much of your anger has to do with your best friend. You have forgiven him, which is good, but did you do it too soon? <P>Joe, I cannot get into your head. I don't know your family circumstances now, but I suspect that this anger your feel is very normal. You were doubly betrayed, by your W and your best friend. In someways the best friend betrayal may even be worse.<P>So after all of this free form. I guess I would go to talking and telling your W about the battle. I get the idea that she knows most of this, but sometimes when you feel the battle starting to rage, maybe just letting her know sort of an ("Incoming" warning) might help you both.<P>I would also consider counseling and perhaps anti-D's if you are not on them. Anger and pain go hand in hand.<P>You have done some surprisingly strong things in the past with regard to this situation. I am suspecting that these strong things came at a cost. But I also suspect that the old Time and Patience, T&P, is the secret.<P>Hang in there Joe, you can do this. All it takes is T&P. Easy for me to say. <P>God Bless,<P>JL