I have been coming to this site often to read what everyone has to say. I have been inspired by your strength, hope and maturity. It sure makes me feel good to know that I am not in this boat alone. I am finally writing just to see what you all have to say about my situation and any advice you may have. Here's my story. I am 29 and my H is 30 We have been marrried 8 years. (I know we got married young.) We dated 3 years before we married so we have been together 11 years. We met the first day of college and dated all through college. We were each other's first love and first and only sexual partner. I truly thought it was a fairy tale relationship. Of course, our marriage has not been perfect. We started grad school together one week after we got married so lots of stress and little money. Needless to say, we had our arguments. However, I always thought we were just a normal couple, making mistakes but doing ok. My biggest frustration was my H's negativity and constant complaints about his job. I am sure I was not very supportive after a while when he was at his 3rd and 4th job and still having the same problems with people at work. He has since been diagnosed with clinical depression. He is trying to find a medication that will help him but so far, no luck. Anyway, in January, I became very unhappy in my job, which was unusual for me. I was very negative at home b/c I felt like he was not supportive enough of my work problems. Out of the blue, he moved out in June. I was very angry. However, I got over it, went to counseling, began reading all the books and really trying. He said he was impressed. I got a new job and asked him to move back in. He did. We moved to a new town closer to my job, but not far from our old town. He still has his old job. Then, a week before I started my new job, he got drunk and told me was cheating on my w/ his secretary. I was in shock. I would have thought he would have killed himself before he would cheat. As it turns out, he has been unhappy for a while but waiting until things calmed down w/ my job to tell me about it. He began talking to OW about me and low and behold, they started getting interested in each other. Classic Affair! At first, I was PO'ed and expected him to gravel. Obviously, that did not work. I moved out so I would not be mad at him all the time. He had her over and they had sex in our new place. He moved out and I moved back in. He broke it off for about a month and then had sex with her again. He has tried to break it off about 5 or 6 times and has never been successful. I don't think they have had sex for 2 weeks so I hope this time it sticks. I told him after the last time I found out that I forgave. I knew he did b/c he was not getting his emotional needs met and I was going to try to do that. Since then, we have dated and talked on the phone regularly. I have tried to be fun and loving, alhtough I am not perfect at it. I have always been a person who wants to immediately talk a problem out and you can't do that in Plan A. First, you have to get your spouse back. So,here we are. I am frustrated b/c I don't see any great effort on his part. Small effort, but not great. He says he is waiting until we are back on track. Am I being too hard on him? When we are on the verge of divorce, I am desperate I want him back so much. But, when we are getting along ok, I think I would be better off w/out him. What's wrong w/ me? Why do I always want the opposite of what I have. Is this normal? He works w/ OW. I don't want him to ever see her again, but I don't want him to quit his job either. He finally has a job he likes and pays well and I know he does not want to leave it. He can't fire her b/c that will set him and the company up for a sexual harassment suit. What should I/he do? W/ my new job, we would have been doing good financially, but now with him in his own place, neither one of us can pay our bills. I have asked him to come back, but he refuses. He says he has issues to work, depression, etc. I wish he could work them out at home so we won't be poor. We are going to counseling but I don't know how much longer we can afford living apart. Plus, he can't afford his depression medication right now, but he won't move back in so he can afford it. So, I am not sure how he is "working on" his depression. Also, I am worried about HIV. The condom broke when he had sex w/ her the first time. He has been tested and it was negative, but that was only 1 month after the incident. He has not been tested again. We use condoms, but one could break on us just like it did w/ her. I told him to get tested again, 3 months after exposure, but so far he has done so. I told him he is not out of the woods until a year after exposure and he agreed not to have sex until then, but I want to meet his sexual needs which I did not do a good job of before. I am also frustrated b/c everytime I get down about this or upset, he ends up right back in her arms. How much more can I take. I don't want a divorce. What do I do w/ all my wedding memories and college memories and I don't know how to do the holidays w/out him. But, I want to be able to talk about issues with him and I want him to support me. It seems so backward that I am kissing his [censored] after he cheated. But, the other alternative was not working and this way is showing some progress. Anway, you have all shown me such inspiration and hope, I can you can offer me some insight and advice as well. Thank you so much. PS Sorry so long.

hello restore,<P>H and I got married while we were still in college. I have spent just about half of my life with him. H had affair with his secretary also. There were troubles here at home, they began talking about it. She had her own problems. One thing led to antoher and you had the perfect cliche. The boss and the secretary. Your H is in a hard place. No contact would be the best scenario. Has he broke it off with her? There is a good no contact letter in the SAA book. If he wont leave his job, can she be transferred laterally to another department?<P>Plan A is hard. I like to solve my problems right away also. Once you do it long enough, you find that is is quite a stress reliever. A little releif in this situation is better than none. Can you give him the SAA book? It is very straight forward and easy for men to understand. <P>Don't expect much from him right now. Not only is he in the fog of the A but he is dealing with depression. He wont be able to meet your needs for some time. You may see a glimmer of hope here and there but dont expect any grand gestures until he has terminated relationship with OW and recommitted to you. They just are not equipped to meet our needs at this point in the game. Plan A is about meeting his needs and restoring a safe place for your H to come home to. That means safe from Love Busters. Don't try to solve, just be. I know it's hard but if I could bite my tongue, you can too.<P>Regarding the HIV, has she been tested? Does she have HIV? I wonder what he is waiting on before being tested again. I am sure that you will keep getting tested regardless.<P>Hang in there.<P>cleo<p>[This message has been edited by cleopatra (edited November 07, 2000).]

Cleo, Thanks for the insight. Our therapist a has recommend a couple of books too. I'm not sure he will read it, but what can hurt to suggest if kindly. I totally agree with the whole fog theory b/c I know he wants the affair to be over, over, over. Each time he says it is over, I think he really means it. But, then, he has Contact w/ her and she is having a bad day or whatever and lo and behold, he's back in her bed. He has told her he loves her, but he tells me he loves her only as a friend. Of course, he tells me he loves me only as a friend too. How frustrating. I think I would feel so much better if he would not have to see her everyday. I don't think a transfer will work. It's a small company and he won't want to explain to his boss why he wants her transferred. She has applied for another job she says but I doubt she takes it. She is playing hard to get and I am just pursue, pursue, puruse. I am really working on it but it is really hard. I lost my husband and best friend in one blow. Anyway, last night was a great night. We watched the returns together and really had fun. I am trying not to get too hyped about it and expect him to be great the next time we get together. Like you said, expect nothing. I think I would feel better if I could have an internal time limit as to how long to Plan A. I am thinking to March, that is when his lease runs out. The holidays and my birthday are sure gonna be hard. I just keep telling myself that one bad holiday season is a fair trade for a lifetime of better relationship. Thanks for the advice. I will keep trying to turn the other cheek.

Don't quote me on this, but I think Dr. Harley says 6 months on the plan A. I am not certain though. Definitly read Surviving an Affair! It made all the difference to me and H. He also talks about how most A's will die a natural death after seeing the light of day. Let's hope that is what is going on with your H. I don't think it is wrong to tell him what you expect from him regarding him seeing the OW. Just make sure you do it without any anger or sarcasm. Start reading the book!<P>keep us posted<P>cleo

Hi Restore:<P>One thing you'll learn if you hang around here long enough is patience. Something went wrong in your marriage and now it needs fixing. You make a few changes (bandaid theory) and hope and expect H to come running back. But it took him a long time to get where he is and he's not altogether sure he wants to come back. Between a rock and a hard place. He may even love you both.<P>Time's the great healer here...let it do it's magic. Forcing the situation will only make it worse...sending him back into the ready arms of OW. I know working with her makes it very difficult, but not impossible if he really wants to end it. But it has to come from him...all you can do is continue to be accepting and understanding (Wow...I know that's a hard one) while working on yourself and your negative contributions to the marriage, if you have any...and we all do.<P>Every day I look at my H and say to myself...he's not ready...and I can't force him to be ready...so I wait and pray that time won't run out for us. Either way I am a better person for having gone through all this...a trial by fire. So will you...if you can survive it.<P>Angels and prayers ~ Faye<P>