I have no where else to write about this, and I'm sorry in advance for using this message board for things not about adultery. I wish that my infidelity were my only problem, but it's not. A hundred other things are. <P>My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer about this time last year. She went thru several mammograms, a couple lumpectomies, a mastectomy and finally a brief but brutal round of chemo. She is 42. <P>Around the time she was diagnosed, I found out I was pregnant with my son, Andy. I wanted to be there for her more than I was. Pregnancy drained me, as did the 12 hr night shifts I was working at the time. I bought her books, read them with her. I called a couple times a week - didn't want to bother too much, especially if she was laying down. Being a nurse, I thought I would have some sort of special energy to devote to caring for her when the chemo and surgeries made her ill, but I never did see that energy. In short, I wasn't there for her as much as I could have or should have been. Guilt.<P>Finally, her nightmare of chemo ended, ans she was able to start living life normally again. Her doctors are quite confident that all cancer is gone. <P>Since she was feeling better, and because I wanted her there, I asked her to be with me during my labor. She said she would. <P>Her marriage was on it's last legs - more like it's last toenails. It is her 4th marriage. Since Aug of 99, she has been having an affair with one of her superiors at work. Having just come out of my own affair and trying to rebuild thru the wreckage I'd caused, I was not exactly thrilled with her actions. Granted her husband (she's still married) has been abusive to her (same as all her other Hs) and most likely has had affairs of his own, I couldn't condone what she was doing.<P>I am certain that she carried on this affair as a way out of her current marriage. I encouraged her to get out on her own as soon as she was feeling well enough (She had enough energy to orchestrate trysts...) But she didn't see it as a solution. We got into a heated argument over her decision to leave her current H and drop her life and her trust into the lap of her OM. Her life includes my two teenaged brothers. Anyway, the argument ended with my brothers getting between her and my big belly....<P>We of course made up and went about life as usual. As I entered my 9th month, there were a few times when I tried to call her and couldn't reach her - her H said that she had been gone all weekend with my brothers and didn't tell him or anyone where she'd gone. Then I'd get a call later in the week and I'd listen to her non-chalantly describe her weekend away... she felt victorious in the pain she was causing her H. Chalk another point up for her in the race to see who can be the biggest *sshole in their marriage was the name of that game, I guess.<P>At the time, I told her that I was upset because I could go into labor at any time, and what if I couldn't find her? Didn;t she want to be there? She said she was sorry and she did wan to be there. <P>Isn't it funny how a person's actions speak so much louder than their flimsy pathetic little words? <P>I went in to be induced early on Wed, Aug 9th of this year. I had called her and left messages about it ... She didn't call back, but showed up that evening with her H, my brothers and a fruit basket. (found out it was from her OM later ) I was doped up on Nubain and had already been in labor for several hours at that point. As anyone can probably predict, she made such a fuss about who was going to drive her home in the morning, etc, and got in a nice argument in the midle of the L&D room with her H. I finally told her, no, Mom, it's ok, you just go ahead home. Jason and me will manage. I remember how she smiled in my eyes and said in her phony, sappy *ssed voice I know so well, "are you sure, honey?" She couldn't wait to get out of there. <P>I wanted her there. Was she afriad to see me in a lot of pain? Was she afraid to see my blood, especially after her surgeries? Was she mad at me? WHY WHY WHY did she promise? She knows when my no's really mean YES PLEASE STAY! But she didn't care ... <P>Thank God or whoever for my H. After all I did to him I did NOT deserve for him to stay by me like he did. He was my nurse, my friend, my mother and my father for those 29 long hours of labor. <P>Mom, my brothers and her H showed up the next night to see little brand new Andy. She held him and crowed and smiled. That was nice to see. My bros looked so cute sitting there holding him too. But, that folks, is the last time I have seen them. August 10, 2000 - Andy's and my birthday.<P>About three days after I came home with the baby, Mom's H called me and said she left and told him she was going to a shelter in the city. I guess they had had another one of their famous horrific fights - my brothers had nearly come to blows with him etc etc. I was concerned, of course, but leary. Why didn't she call me?? Well, she DID call me a day or so later (I dunno, nights and days were a blur right then for obvious reasons) with this big story about her being in a shelter. Meanwhile I can hear my brothers and the OM talking in the background. I know it was a lie and I told her as much. She stuck to her story, though and on top of it had my 82 yr old grandfather (her dad) in a tizzy all worried about her .... He was calling me, her H was calling me - it was a mess. All I could tell them was that I did not think that she was in any shelter, but I wasn't sure where exactly she was. (Talk about the being the princess of half-truths - as u can see I learned from the queen mum herself)<P>Well, this is where I get to my point here. SHe called me that following Sunday to ask if she could come see us. She said she knew I was mad at her and said "I'm sorry you feel that way..." I told her I still wanted her and my brothers to come see Andy, we'd get past this eventually. She paused and said, "Oh, you mean, just me and the Boys, huh?" She wanted to bring OM AND his Mother with her. I said No, I was not prepaired for company outside the family. Plus I really don't care to see this man at this point in time. Well, she got pissed, saying I was now putting stipulations on her visiting her grandson etc etc. I offered to come out there for a visit, even tho I was exhausted, but she wouldn't give me the address or phone # of where she is because she thinks I will tell her current hubby. <P>I have kept this womans address a secret from more people for longer than I care to rememeber. I could be in the Secret Service for as long as I have kept mum about that kind of stuff (she always has someone she is hiding from). But she refused. And refused to come see us if slimy OM and his Mom could come too. In the end I told her to call back when she got her head on straight and hung up. She called back twice - I told Jason to tell her I did NOT want to speak to her etc. He diplomatically told her - now is not a good time. What a rock he is.<P>So, Here we are. Its half past midnight and I have to be up for work at 7:30 am. It's been about three months. She hasn't called. She hasn't seen her grandson. I haven't seen my little brothers, whom I miss more than words can say. I miss her too, but I'm so evilly angry with her. I think I'd have a stroke if I saw her holding my son now. I am worried in the pit of my stomach that her cancer has come back and I'll never know about it. I'm worried sick she'd told my brothers that I said I didn't want them around - that would be just LIKE her. <P>I don't expect to get any particular type of reply from anyone here. My heart has been breaking - I cried every day shut up in my room for weeks when she first pulled this. Now its only once or twice a week. I look at my son and swear to him that I will never do to him what she is doing to me right now. My H says we're better off without her, he doens't want her warping Andy.... I still miss her, but I'm SOOOOOf*cking beyond furious with her.<P>Should I try to write her a letter? I can find out what her PO box # is. I could even drop it off at her work, but I don't even know if she is still there.... Should I just wait for her to come around? How should I act if she does? Let her back into my life??? <P>Now I think I am beginning to comprehend a little more clearly just how badly it hurts ot be betrayed, and on how many different levels the same person can betray you on so many levels.<P>Carrieann

Hi Carrieann,<P>All I have to say is: "Kids! what are you going to do with them?" <P>I hope you know I am only half joking. Just remember one thing: No one leads their life like you would lead it for them.<P>No matter how much your Mother messes up, you will love her and you will never change her. If she thought what she was doing was wrong she wouldn't do it. If she ever realizes what she is doing is wrong, she will stop. <B>But you cannot educate her. </B><P>Does that sound like MB Plan A? Well, when you think about it does doesn't it? You just have to avoid situations where you LB, and that may mean not being around her. She is making her choices and you cannot make them for her.<P>I hate to say this Carrieann, but your Mom is very young still and hasn't grown up. You have. That is why you are seeing things differently. And yes it is ironic, that you are getting a glimpse of what it is like when someone you love is hurting themselves and you cannot do anything about it.<P>But it seems to me you have learned well and you are still learning, that is soo good. You are going to be a great Mother and a wonderful Wife. <P>So Carrieann, lose the guilt about your Mother's cancer, you could have done little to help her no matter how much you wanted. Maybe she is chasing her future so hard right now because she fears it. I don't know, but I do know this, you cannot do anything for her but raise her grandson as well as you can.<P>There will come a time when he will be very important to her (when she gets closer to my age, but I still have teenagers at home my youngst was born when I was 42, talk about a slow learner ).<P>No problem with the vent and I suspect it was good for you to put this down on paper. You are gaining surprising insight Young Lady. You and Jason should be proud of what you two have managed to do. Lesser people would have failed and folded. <P>One last bit of philosophy. Life can be very hard, but I doubt that it ever be harder than what you two have come through. You each have a lot to be proud of. But life is also very long, so it is best to know when you need to battle with it and when you need to just watch it and learn. I think your interaction with your Mother, is a watch and learn time. There will come a time when she will really need you, then maybe you can help her.<P>You two hang in there.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Khyra:<P>Goodness what a story! I can see why you felt like you needed to put it down on paper, and you shouldn't feel at all bad about it not being specifically A-related. Trying to keep that stuff inside could just about bust anyone.<P>I don't know if I have any more wisdom and insight than JL. In fact, I'm sure I have substantially less. And I know you weren't specifically looking for advice. Still . . .<P>It sounds as though you're still really hurting from the fact that your mom wasn't there for the delivery of your son. That was an awful thing for her to do, and you're totally justified in being hurt. Who wouldn't want their mom around at a time like that? Why would any mother dart off when she'd promised she'd be there? It just doesn't make sense.<P>Still, I think you have to decide in your heart whether you can forgive her for it. And I'm guessing that, since she IS your mother, you sort of HAVE to forgive her, even if she doesn't deserve it. Just as your H forgave you when you weren't "there" for your marriage, I guess. Believe me, I know it's hard. Sounds like your mom has a history of this kind of crap and that she's probably going to continue to pull stuff in the future. But people we love can't always be the way we want them to be, and some times we have to love them warts and all. God knows my W (and your H) discovered that recently.<P>As to the current problem, that your mom won't come visit unless she can bring the OM, that's a tougher issue. You have absolutely every right to control who sees your child, when, with whom, etc. If you're not comfortable with the OM being around your son, it's a completely reasonable request for you to ask your mom to come alone. <P>That said, it sounds as though she's just as stubborn as you, and who knows how long she'll stay away. While your son is still very young, eventually he'll be able to recognize people around him, and I know that you'll want one of those people to be your mom. I'd search your heart and see if you still feel the way you did about the OM being around your son. If so, fine. As I said, you shouldn't feel forced to let anyone near him that you don't want to be. However, maybe there would be room for compromise? She can bring the OM and his mom once or so, but should come by herself most times? If you know her PO box, a letter explaining your position -- including all sorts of "Plan A" type statements about how much you care for her, how much you want her to be in your son's life, etc. -- might not be a bad idea.<P>You should NOT, under any circumstances, feel guilty about what's going on. As JL said, it sounds as though your mom hasn't fully grown up yet. She's got some major emotional troubles that draw her to abusive men whom she then feels compelled to leave. Sounds as though she can't live without drama in her life. None of that is your fault. The cancer is a scary thing, I know. And I know you're just dying inside not knowing how she's doing. But, again, as hard as it is to hear, both she and you have to live your own lives. You've got plenty to deal with yourself, between your new son (congratulations, by the way!) and repairing things with your H. I'd concentrate on yourself right now, and try to let go of your mom a little. Easier said than done, I know.<P>Good luck, Khyra. I know how stressful family can be, particularly when you've got someone like your mom in the picture. Try to do nice things for yourself, delight in yoru son and your H, and you'll come through this okay.<P>

JL: Boy I was hoping to hear from you. Speaking of rocks... I have been trying ever since I could talk to 'educate' my Mom on what she is doing to herself and to me. I am sick of seeing her hurt, and I already know that in time she WILL be needing me again, calling to tell me what a creep this OM of her is. My brothers slipped and told me he drinks quite a bit. Imagine that, Mom with an alcoholic. I have tried and tried my whole life to help her in her situation. Now I'm starting to give up. I often wonder what will happen to her once the boys are old enough to leave home. I pray that they will NOT live with her past the age of 20. <P>YOu are right - she has not ever grown up. I doubt that she ever will. All she wants is a sugar daddy to take care of her and go along with what ever she says. I wish her luck in finding the poor mealy mouthed b*stard. <P>You said it - the best thing to do is sit back and wait. I will do my best to plan A for Andy's sake. It will be hard though. My anger with her runs far deeper than can be covered even in 10 posts and all this nonsese has pulled it back to the forefront.<P>Thank you for your words of encouragement and kindness, and for listening.<P><BR>Taxi: You have lots of valuable wisdom to impart, and I thank you for what you have said here in your post. I have started that letter to her ten times now. I can't seem to summarize it or write it without my anger and disgust showing thru. The more time that she takes to call me, the greater my anger and hurt grow.<P>I think she is a coward and she knows she is wrong but will never admit it to anyone, specifically not to her self. <P>It is important to me that neither Andy nor my H is exposed to her screwed up little situation and the people involved in it. I also need her to realize that I am the parent now, NOT her. If this is how it's going to be every time we differ on an issue then I can't handle it. Her need to control so many aspects of her family members' lives is ridiculous.<P>So, I have decided that if I can get a letter witten that doesn't contain too many LBs, I will send it to her. Until then there IS nothing I can do. Just wait, watching her grandson growing so fast, with out her there to see it all. She will regret every month she has missed someday.<P>Sorry so bitter, but my heart is like steel right now.

Hi Khyra,<P>Just have a moment but I have a thought to pass along. Just remember that anger is very close to pain, and pain is very close to love.<P>You are angry because you see her hurting herself. This bothers you because you hurt when she hurts and this happens because you love her.<P>Don't forget that you do love her. <P>As for trying to help her, just remember she is strong and not defenseless. She has been doing this for a long time. You aren't going to change a thing here. So the best you can do is learn from her and not imitate her OK?<P>So sit back and remember you do love her, that is why you are so angry with her.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Sorry about your Mom. I hope you two can work things out. It sounds like she is in a fog also. Keep up your spirits!!!<P>CT

JL: I am trying hard to remember that I do love her. Right now, I do not like her at all.<P>I did end up writing her a very non-LB letter. Ohh there was so much I wanted to say, but I am glad I had self restraint. I sent the letter on Wed or Thurs, can't recall which. No response as yet. <P>I basically told her that we have differences I wold like to work out, that she is welcome to call or visit any time, and I told her the news in my life that she's missed. Had to squeeze 3 months into a few paragraphs. Told her that if she isn't interested to at least let my brothers read the letter. I would not be shocked if she has the letter in her purse but is not telling them. <P>Time will tell. I'll keep you posted.<P>Cat, thanks for the words of encouragement!<P>Khyra<P>

I think that everybody else here gave you great advice. It sounds to me like your mother LOVES drama in her life. You don't want to get sucked into that game, for your son's sake and for your own sanity. But I'm sure you want to maintain a decent relationship since she <I>is</I> your mom.<P>I wish you luck, and I hope that she gets her head together before it's too late.

Carolina Belle,<P>That's about how I feel too. Where do u think I get my dramatics from, lol?<P>(More like hysterionics) (rolleyes) <P>heh<P>Khyra

Just a little update:<P>About a week and a half ago I mailed her the most non LB letter I am capable of writing. Told her what I was feeling inside, etc. No response. <P>But here's the GD kicker. Talked to my Uncle on the phone who tells me that she is having another operation. This time it's to take out her remaining ovary because she is still producing too much estrogen and at this rate the cancer may come back. She NEVER EVEN TOLD ME THIS. I guess this is proof that she is shutting me completely out of her life and taking my little brothers with her. After all we have been thru - over some petty stupid Sh*t! <P>So, I wrote another letter, this time to my brothers. I didn't mention a thing about her surgery. Hey - she doesn't want me to know, fine, I'm not asking. She wants to play like she's tough and doensn't need my love and support - good.. Then she'll go without. I'm sick of her games. <P>Right now, I am debating having a Notary Public sign and stamp the letter and a copy of the letter as an added bonus - just to prove to my brothers that I WAS trying to get ahold of them. I even wrote that I would be making a copy for myself, JUST in case. She will I'm not going to mess around. <P>Yep - bad attitude city. But this all goes a lot deeper than I think is appropriate to go into detail about here. I have already spilled my guts too much. <P>I haven't sent that letter yet. Tomorrow.<P>Khyra <P>