I have seen a lot of posts lately (mostly from the women) where they are complaining about their husbands being selfish, not helping around the house...totally self absorbed and how unhappy these women are. These women are not feeling loved and are unhappy in their marriages. Here is my question. Earlier in your marriage, before the affair was your spouse like this? Was your relationship like this? If it was did it bother you then or did the fact that they have an affair trigger you to start to be unhappy about things you have always lived with? If your spouse wasn't like this before their affair why do you think they are treating you like this now? Just some thoughts....

Good question Bonnie. I have always done the house work, taken care of the kids, wash his dirty stinking underware..but you know what, those little things that I never minded, now seem like big chores to me. I have a hard time doing things for him, big or small, when he couldn't do anything for me, but lie. I sometimes feel as though my H feels like he has got one up on me. Like now that he has gotten away with an A and having oc, he can do anything, superman? Stud of the universe. Well, thats the pic he paints for me. I think he likes me to feel less of a person, because he does. He uses comments like, she did my laundry, always had it done, she would have sex whenever I wanted..actually I had to fight her off, gave me way to much. This is off the subject, but, you know what I did the last time he was leaving, and I knew he was going to her house, I was packing up his dirty laundry, and I got ever darn pair of skid marked undies I could find and stuck them in there. Wanted her to see what a real prize she was getting. HaHa I made sure they were at the bottom, so he would't know and just give her the basket. Back to the subject, it dose seem hard to go back to the "normal life" pre-A. <P>noodles

I can see how that would be frustrating for both parties. He may be thinking "Hey, she always did these things and now she's on my back wanting me to do things I never had to do. She knew I was like this before we got married and during our marriage and now she's trying to change me." That's when you have him running around complaining about what a nag the old wife is. Then you have the wife that feels like she gave and gave their entire marriage and having an affair was how he paid her back. At this point deciding that she isn't going to keep giving all of the time anymore. I think this particular scenario happens a lot and I think that is the reason why a lot of marriages ultimately do not succeed after an affair. Resentment on his part because his wife is wanting him to change and resentment on the wife's part for feeling like she was being taken for granted.

I agree, Bonnie, resentment builds and builds. I wonder what is the best way to break it down? I myself, can not do the things (sexually) and ex-stripper can, should I say won't. My H told me once, that if he could get me to be submissive like she was, did what ever he asked, then he would be happy. I told him, OW isn't submissive, she's and actor, playing the part you want her to play. And that will change. I told H, you think I don't long for something new and exciting, think again, I do. My idea of an attrative man, isn't someone who sits on the sofa, and lets windies all night (I know big LB, it slipped) but, I dont focus on what you are doing wrong, I focus on what you do right. Why should I change to meet his needs? That just seems wrong, I give up, he gains, How can this be? I think the Fog gave my H brain damage.<BR>Noodles

Just had to make the comment Noodles your remark about "lets windies" made me crack up. I can just imagine it. I needed a good smile.<P>Sorry though you are feeling frustrated and taken advantage of. Know the feeling well.

sometimes it's easier to laugh about things, and make light of them then get way down in the dumps! I am glad I can bring a smile or laugh to someones face, actually, I reread it and laughed myself.<P>Noodles

Is it really that the H doesn't do ANY work, or are they doing different work? I know I have to stop & think about this.<P>I do the laundry, grocery shopping, most of the cleaning & cooking, direct the kids to do their chores, chauffer. But, although I own my own retail store, I only work 25-30 hours a week so that I can do some of this stuff. Plus my H travels & then was out of the house for 14 months, so I got used to doing some of his chores. He has told me there are times that he feels he has no household jobs.<P>But he does do special things with the kids & I sometimes don't want to make extra trips to take or pick up friend, he'll do that. If I ask for help, he'll do it--I don't set him up for failure, waiting for him to volunteer. He also changes the oil in my car, washes it, fixes the broken household things, sets out the garbage, does yard work, paints. And, the nights I work to 6, he'll make supper.<P>What about his work? This might be unusual to us, as the world is changing, but we couldn't have everything we do without his salary. He's the breadwinner/main provider. His job is far more stressful than mine. Before the separations, I used to resent the time he took to unwind, now I'm much more understanding. And, if I want to unwind and let chores go undone, he says "do it". Oddly enough, I never thought I could do that. But now, I do. The important things get done, but I can't remember the last time everything in the house was dusted. (ok, so now you don't want to come over...)<P>I guess this is all part of needs. Domestic support really isn't either of our top 5 needs at this time. But sometimes it just takes looking at things with different eyes.<P>I know when we were separated and I was in the "I'll change anything to get you back" mode, I offered to become a better housekeeper...he shook his head and said, "it's not at all about that". Did you ever think, when things were really bad, I'd do ANYTHING? Wouldn't just having him whiffing on the couch have been a wonderful thing? (well, kinda, you know what I mean, appreciation in the eye of the beholder).<P>Just some thoughts.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

I'm curious about the point of this question. To be honest, most of the people who have been betrayed have been emotionally abused by their spouses throughout the affairs... now the spouse says "I'm so sorry, I did wrong, let me come back ... I'll be perfect!" And we are supposed to do what? Say "ok, dear, you can come back" and then put up with all the crap that came with the marriage the first time? Think about it: We have done the most incredibly brave thing in the world for the betraying spouses when we let them come home! We have opened our homes and our hearts to someone who has proven very clearly that he/she has the ability to take those hearts and homes and smash them to bits with a sledge hammer!<P>The fact that a woman didn't really mind her husband's bad traits when he was faithful has absolutely NOTHING to do with how she feels about them after he has screwed her over and then wants to come back... And, perhaps it is more realistic of these women to recognize that their men are not princes - they are humans. Realism is important to a marriage.<P>Having an affair is an extremely selfish act. Often, after reading the books available on relationships and the articles on this and other sites, when a WS comes back to the marriage, there is a greater awareness of that selfishness. Maybe a hyperawareness that leads us a bit overboard. But we have been asked to put up with and forgive the most selfish act in the world - and then been promised the world if only they can come back. Sometimes, once they're back, they simply fall into the old habits and we just can't play that game anymore.<P>I'm sorry if my response seems a bit aggressive, but I personally find the question to be insulting to the betrayed spouse who has graciously given a betrayer another chance only to be treated once again like the family pack mule.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

I think lor and terri both hit the nail on the head, that is exactly why it is so hard for someone to recover from an A. There are two sides to it. One I love him I need him, I don't care what he did, as long as we stay togeather, two, I hate him, I can't believe he did this to me, how could you when you said you loved me, why am I even putting myself through this mess for someone like you. Both of those responses are what tears me apart, the flipping back and forth, the anger then the love back and forth..to and fro..enough to drive a person crazy. If it were cut and dry there would be no need for counceling, or maybe even this site. And Terri you didn't come off to aggressive at all. You both made such very good points. I might have to take a day to think about them, which side of the fence I sit upon more often.<P>Noodles

Come back BonnieSept... If you are referring to my most recent post about living in a void, so be it, why don't you come on over and respond to that post instead of starting your own. By the way, you never mentioned your issue or reason for being here!<P>Yes mam, I have always been the homemaker, major Martha Stewart type and I suppose after my fourth and last birthing took place 11 years ago, I began to feel a bit drained and taken for granted. The resentment gradually built over the years. My H has always been quite the selfish type, never really concerned me until I started getting smart and realizing he was 'living' his life because I was 'taking care' of his life and that left very little time for my life. Took me a long time to get the picture!<P>Finally, I think I became so resentful and full of anger about being in this position, that I became emotionally and physically unavailable to him and he quite willingly returned the sentiments and felt the same way about me. We had a lousy marriage, very dysfunctional and disgruntled. The more I griped the more he drank and stayed out. The more I refused him, the more he found to do with his time that didn't include me and the more he drank the more dysfunctional we ALL became. It was hell...<P>So, to answer your question, this is not new behavior after the A on my part or his. This behavior is what created the environment for the A to begin. Plain and simple... <P>We got back together with the understanding that things would change and we would work on having a better marriage than the one we had. Well, here it is one year later and after a brief honeymoon period, we are speeding head on into that brick wall that created the A in the first place and that is my main concern at this time. I absolutely refuse to, again, become the dysfunctional, disgruntled, stupid, blind homemaker that I was two years ago...<P>I come here to vent and express myself so I can get some of this burden off my shoulders and not let it weigh me down and affect my marriage. I wish I had known about this site a long time ago. I would have been able to work out some of my resentment and anger with people who understand what it all means.<P>Here I am explaining myself to you, if you want to know something about what we post here, go straight to the horse's mouth and respond to our posts. I'm sure you'll get your answer and then some!!!<P>CT

I only asked this question because a friend of mine at work is recovering with her husband after his affair. I showed her all of the info from this site in regards to Plan A. She said that in their marriage because they both worked and had kids he was always helpful around the house. She said that she noticed during her Plan A he was less of a partner to her in regards to raising the kids and helping around the house. She was worried that he was taking her for granted during her Plan A efforts. I told her she needed to talk with him about it because he never use to be that way. I think it would be different if their entire marriage had been that way. That's why I asked. She said her husband admitted that he had always felt happy in their marriage and he didn't feel that his lack of love for her was the reason for his affair and that he never even had it in the back of him mind to leave her. So, from the outside they looked like a really good marriage that still fell victim to an affair. So, my question was if you were unhappy before the affair and some of the problems were still there afterward or not. Were the issues you had there before or were they issues that came about because of the affair.

In my case, I've always done the bulk of the household stuff. H has always been fairly good at helping, but to be honest, I am a perfectionist and prefer to do things myself so that they are done right the first time. Reloading the dishwasher, re-sorting the laundry so that nothing turns pink, remopping or sweeping, making sure the kids clothes get put back in the right drawers.<BR>The thing is, after the A, I realized that indirectly I was belittling my H, that nothing he did was good enough. I was so preoccupied that instead of plopping down on the couch with him for a cuddle to watch TV, I was always distracted, puttering around the house getting things done. So the the whole housework issue and my approach to it definitely contributed to his being more vulnerable to an A, to someone who was more than willing to stroke his ego and give him some quality time. <P>Now that the A is over, I've learned to relax a bit, take the time to spend some time one-on-one with him each evening, even if it means not everything gets done around the house the way I'd like it. I finally have seen that I haven't exactly been fun to be with as a mate, and now that he has his priorities straight, so do I. <BR> <P>