In a forum Just find out i have been adviced to ask for more help and thoughts and expiriences here so i do!<BR>I live in Croatia so a lot of books mentioned on these pages are not availible for me.<BR>I am 42 and my H od 42 has a lover of 32 for a year (she has never been married, is well known for having more lovers, abortions and caused some marriage brakes; and WE were first to each other, ). At the beginning we tried with counceling but it failed. 4 months ago he bought me and my younger D (10) a new appartment and he and our older D (18) stayed in our family house. Until then we are separated and we devided our financial matters but he doesn't fill for divorce. He started to constantly live with his lover and older D two months ago. He picks our younger D every weekend but they hate each other (D and OW). I am the whole year desperate and I only want him back to restore the family, I still love him so much, I am ready to forgive him everything only to come back. But he non-stop repeats he would never be back, he doesn't love me for more than 10 years, I didn't show him love for a long time, I was not enough interested in sex, I am guilty what happpened.. and that he would soon fil for divorce., what I am terrible afraid. I already had an suicide attempt and when I get a court invitation I think I would kill myself for real. I could not live without him, I cry all day and night and I am a disaster for my young D. I have lost 60 pounds and to be honest I am now quite a good (not as she) looking., but my life has no sence any more. <BR>You all here seem to me much more reasonable, can you help me ? How to forget him and learn to live alone? Is it possible after 21 year relationship? <BR>Is possible a reconciliation after so long affair? Is there any possibility for me and D that he would be back to us, whenever?<BR>Has anyone positive expirience after such a long affair, but relatively short (4 months) separation? I love him so much, I need him desperately, I miss him in every sence, even in sex. What would be my future without him? Last few month I tried with REIKI (I don't know if it is right spelled in English), I try and try but I still can't move on. <BR>My H is so ocuupated with the OW so she is even more important to him than our YD, and he is so long in that affair so I can't see the hope for me that he would be back : old, not so attractive, too much educated and obviously not enough good and gentle and nice in every sence (especially sex) for him. Even my OD refuses contact with me, she much more likes OW, cause she is more fun, does not control her, leave her freedom to do what she wants...<BR>Did you ever hear that such a long affair (it seems to me that they become more and more happy) can end in reconciliation with the spouse? How can I become interesting for him? I can't accept he left me forever .<BR>Have anyone some smart advice or some good experience?<BR>Can my H get out of the fog after more than a yearn can he ever want to be again with me and both of D<BR>I am e-mailing with W.Hurley yr and he is convincing me that my H will return but I don't believe him no more, a year has passed and he is mnore and more addicted to OW and more and mor far away from me. He even started to hate me he only screams to let him in peace, not to call or talk or see me. The things are getting worse not better in every sence. I lost a minimal hope for reconciliation after such a long time and after so ugly words said from both sides.<BR>please someone help me - I love him and need him so much, I can't imagine he would never come back- it would kill me<P>

Betrayed and Desperate,<P>PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE...Do not beat yourself up like this. My husbands "A" is over a year and he's says he's trying to give it up...I am doubtful about his honesty. But we'll see.<P>There is a post I can't remember what thread it's on but it's "Dobsons advise really works". Try to go there. It may help you. I will try to find it and repost later.<P>But you sound so very hurt and hopeless. Don't do that. We all are worthy of a faithful spouse. You've made a list of your shortcommings. Try instead...to make a list of the wonderful good things about yourself.Be good to yourself! Be generous to yourself. Love that daughter of yours. Show her that mommy will not be beaten down by this situation. Set a good example for her...to not have this awful thing happen to her. Do not BEG "H" to come back. There are some things that have to run their coarse. I hope you can understand these terms I use.<P>I will try to keep in touch with you. You keep posting here and everyone here will be your stronghold.<BR>Love, D/2000

Here is the thread for Dobsons Advise.<BR>Go to the Plan/A Plan/B board click on the Dobsons advise really works. NSR has posted some links to 2 other sites or articles. Give it a try.<P>Keep your chin up girl. You'll be fine.<BR>D/2000

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>has a lover of 32 for a year (she has never been married, is well known for having more lovers, abortions and caused some marriage brakes; and WE were first to each other, ). <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You also said you are smart and "too educated". Sounds like our situation. I have character and intelligence, she had only her looks and told him sweet things... He woke up one day and KNEW they had no future together. I pray your h does also. If not, she will probably also cheat on him...<P>Do you have family who love you? I have noone, only my son 5 and D 3. They gave me a reason to keep living.<P>It is hard when you have no support. You are not less than this bimbo, you are much more...<P>Start to imagine life without him, that you can move on. You have your YD, whom you love, and who knows what the future holds? Yes, it is very scary, but try.<P>You will grow stronger, and know you can make it without him. This will give you confidence and he will see the change, but YOU DON'T DO IT FOR HIM, YOU DO IT FOR YOU!<P>I really think I know how you feel. He was my world, and he wanted out! I couldn't imagine life without him.<P>We are doing very well. He had two affairs over two years, but never separated. There are some here who had longer affairs. The important thing is to take care of YOU.<p>[This message has been edited by schizzo (edited November 08, 2000).]

Betrayed and Desperate,<P>I am so sorry to see you have to be here on this forum like all of us. I am a betrayer. To answer your question of "Does the fog ever lift?". For a lot of betrayers it will, but it will not lift until they are ready to come out from under the influence of the affair and get their life back together. Relationships that are results of affairs very rarely work out because they are based on false hood and deception. He will soon see the OW for what she really is and his eyes will begin to open. They will never have a meaningful relationship because it is based on betrayal.<P>I agree with Discovery2000, don't beat yourself up. Take control of your life and realize that you have choices that you have control over. Here is a good web site to check out: <A HREF="http://www.silcom.com/~joy2meu/joy_47.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.silcom.com/~joy2meu/joy_47.htm</A> <P>Give it a try and remember, you can't control what he does, but you can control how you react. Good Luck and keep us all posted.......fs<p>[This message has been edited by firestorm (edited November 09, 2000).]

e[QUOTE]Originally posted by Discovery2000:<BR>[B]Betrayed and Desperate,<P>PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE...Do not beat yourself up like this. My husbands "A" is over a year and he's says he's trying to give it up...I am doubtful about his honesty. But we'll see.<P>Thanks Discovery,<BR>were you separated for the time of the affaire? Like I said we are separated for 8 months and dislocated for 4 months so that make me believe that there is no hope. He is living with the OW like in a marriage for 2 months but it seems everything is OK in spite of the fact she doesn't care about the house, cooking , his kids they are in fact acting like two teenage lovers, and she is not a person (was not till now it seems) who wanted a marriage, but maybe after so much broken marriages, abortions...relationships only with known and reach men , maybe she wants to settle down, maybe she is realy in love. For him I know: he adores her and he would nebver leave her, but if he does he would never come back-we said too many lousy words to each other, I made a lotof scenes ... I am afraid there is no hope. And I still think my life is worth surviving only because my YD and living only because of him<P>I can't change that opinion for a year and I don't know if it is possible<BR>

Welcome <B>betrayed and desperate</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Other's have suggested some of my other links...<BR>Go to ===> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/mb_nsr/MB_NPT.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A> for a collection of posts you can work through.<P>If your still in love with H... Plan A is the way to go...<BR>Check out ...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P> <P>Jim

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by firestorm:<BR><B>Betrayed and Desperate,<P>I am so sorry to see you have to be here on this forum like all of us. I am a betrayer. To answer your question of "Does the fog ever lift?". For a lot of betrayers it will, but it will not lift until they are ready to come out from under the influence of the affair and get their life back together. Relationships that are results of affairs very rarely work out because they are based on false hood and deception. He will soon see the OW for what she really is and his eyes will begin to open. They will never have a meaningful relationship because it is based on betrayal.<P>I agree with Discovery2000, don't beat yourself up. Take control of your life and realize that you have choices that you have control over. Here is a good web site to check out: <A HREF="http://www.silcom.com/~joy2meu/joy_47.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.silcom.com/~joy2meu/joy_47.htm</A> <P>Give it a try and remember, you can't control what he does, but you can control how you react. Good Luck and keep us all posted.......fs<P>[This message has been edited by firestorm (edited November 09, 2000).]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>dEAR FIRESTORM THANKS FOR SUPPORT, BUT i LOST every hope for his coming back. It's over a year- in spite of the fact they are living together for cca 2 months. But my older daughter is there and even she likes OW more than me and that makes me more desperate. If he is satisfied with OW (24h with him now), my daughter is, his father and sister are, what it can mean? Only that she is better person /for him/ than me - they are a better couple then we were for 18 years-that's the point. How can the fog ever lift in such a situation? i can see no light.<BR>

<BR>Dear Jim,<BR>thanks for support, but let me explain how can I do plan A while we live separated for 4 months and for 2 months he has meved OW into his (former our) house?<BR>We have to see each other from time to time because our YD, and how to survive that Older D likes the OW more than her own mother? She does not talk with me for weeks now. I am aware that I made a mistake with a suicide attempt and in conversation with her when I am jejjous on her choice to live with the OW (I think the reason is that her father has a lot of money and the house is rather different from a little apartment of 2 rooms), how can she tolerate that they are making love in MY bed near her head. How can she be nice and friendly with the OW- she is 18 and is not a little baby who does not understand thing what happened. She acts like I am betrayer not betrayed.<BR>My only hope and wish in the life is to reconcile and renew our family.<BR>Jim, I desperately love him and need him- even after whole year has passed. <BR>What's the way I come out of the fog that he would come back?<BR>

Hello Friend,<P>I am separated from my "H" now. He keeps saying "it's going to end soon" I love him very much, we have 5 children together.<P> We were married 30 years when I discovered the "A". The OW is my sister-in-law. They had an affair 12years ago that I didn't now about until this year. This most recent "A" has been going on for over a year. I am the one who moved out. Sometimes--I do feel like I want to die rather than go through any more pain. I hate seeing what this is doing to my kids although they are all grown up...It is still ripping their hearts out!<P>So notice I say...I love him very much...after reading the things I wrote...I think "i must be crazy to love him"...Then I think "I LOVE ME...TOO!"<P>The OW here...Is a pig...she is the opposite of everything I am. She is not clean does not take care of her little girl. Has even said she regrets having the little girl...If my brother were alive it would break his heart her saying this. Her moral fiber is very much lacking. She has had affairs before w/married men. MY point is...OP's are very similar in personalities...yes our husbands do act like teenagers thinking (not with their brains) they are in bliss! But sooner or later they all come crumbling down the elevator shaft. So when (notice I said when)this happens to your "H" what kind of person are you going to be...? Are you going to be the new and improved and STRONG person?<BR>It may very well happen that you will not want him back. Think about that...really think about that.And then again...Maybe you will be waiting with open arms...and that's ok too. But like I said before...work on yourself for yourself and both your daughters! You are in horrible pain and that takes a lot of energy...Redirect that energy to a more possitive goal! If I can do it anybody can...We are all"a work in progress" just keep plugging along.<P>Know that we all here love you and God loves you...Now you need to love you too.<P>Hang in there. D/2000<P>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Discovery2000:<P> We were married 30 years when I discovered the "A". <P>Hallo, till now I was asured that such things happen only in the movies, bad movies. What is going on in their minds after so long marriages? Do we become boring, only a habbit?<P><BR>Then I think "I LOVE ME...TOO!"<P>That's just a thought I don't have in mind, I still hate myself and loose my time with thoughts: if I did that the things would be different, if I didn't do that he wouldn't go... what are my mistakes?....And I am in the circle.<P>The OW here...Is a pig...she is the opposite of everything I am. She is not clean does not take care of her little girl. Her moral fiber is very much lacking. She has had affairs before w/married men. MY point is...OP's are very similar in personalities...yes our husbands do act like teenagers thinking (not with their brains) they are in bliss! <P>You are right, , from all the stories here I noticed that a scheme exists in starting affairs, inthe profile of OW, but also that there is no rules in H's return. That is what worries me. Last few days I heard news: OW cancelled her rented appartment, and for serious moved to his (former: our) house. My od is satisfied, and he is telling to everyone including me that he is at last happy like he never was in 20 years with me, everything is stable...even to my OD's teacher whom I met yesterday, he told him so many lousy things about me that I couldn't believe. So how, why I love him still?<P>But sooner or later they all come crumbling down the elevator shaft. So when (notice I said when)this happens to your "H<P>I think it can never happen, they live like a marriage couple now, they are all happy...I can't see a place for me in their hearts.<P>It may very well happen that you will not want him back. <BR>I will be waiting for him with open arms forever - and he knows that and probably is a reason that he is so cruel now and I am a weak person unfortunately, but even he allows from that immoral OW to make from him everything she wants and he is jumping on each her step.<BR>But he'll never leave her and she finally found someone who destroyed evrything because of her and is rich, good looking, 18 YD is not making troubles and he stopped loving his YD whom he adored. I can't understand the story. It's a scheme but I think in our case things are contunuously going in a wrong way for me every day he is more close to her and far away from me.<BR>But thanks for the support.<BR>

Hello again my friend,<P>Please go back and re-read some of the others encouragement. Everyone here is truely a friend to you. You need to work on loving yourself. Remember to take time to recognize you have very good things about yourself. you might keep a journal about the positive things in your life each day. Even simple things such as getting up in the morning and brushing your hair or making your bed. ANYTHING you can do to keep going. How about your work? Concentrate on things other than your heartache with your husband. <P>Can you find a councelor to help you cope?<P>I am truely worried about you. Do you have any family to help you?<P>Please don't give up on yourself...You are worthy of a good and happy life. <BR>I'll try to check on you over the weekend. Try to smile. <P>D/2000

Dear friend D2000,<BR>i go and just now was at the psychiatrist but it helps only for a while. He even now suggests some medications, which I don't like. I am a MD, PhD also , but I work on Faculty like a teacher and researcher- so I am afraid of those medicaments. I was taking some of them but in spite of that I tried to commit suicide, so I don't believe in them.<BR>I have only parents who are old (76) so they are not let's say rational. Except them nobody, all the friends (most of them) turned back, even my older Daugh, so I feel alone. He even didn't want to spend athis weekend with YD (after three weeks), more important for him is to go with OW on sexy weekend i don't know where. Is this unusual? I doubt!<BR>What is with you, how are you and H going on- is he truly back? Can you forgive him all these things he did? Is it possible?<P>I want mine back, but I am suspicious of the life after the afffair, but I think that dr Harley forgott another possibility in his books and papers: H lives the rest of his life happy and satisfied with OW and never tried to reconcile- do you agree? I know only such cases arround me, and wives stayed alone till now (in some cases even 20 years). What would make me convinced that he would be prepared to come back, that he is exception? But still I love and miss him so much and painful.And I see no possibility of reconciliation during the facts I wrote you.<BR>Thanks anywhere,<BR>if you or someone other wants you can write on e-mail: dara@medri.hr<BR><p>[This message has been edited by betrayed and desperate (edited November 18, 2000).]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by schizzo:<BR>[B] I have character and intelligence, she had only her looks and told him sweet things... He woke up one day and KNEW they had no future together. <P>How long was that affair, you see my H's is long more than a year and they go forward every day much better and happier, they think of noone but themselves, he forgot he has an 11 YD and the 18YD sees him from time to time, she is alone most of the time because they are non-stop out of the house during the week and the most of weekends but she accepted OW and that's the fact.<BR>She thinks I am too depressed and she doesn't realize I miss her too. I miss our family, and I have less and less hope it will ever exist.<BR>Is there only one H who returned succesfuly after such a long period?<BR>I would like to hear and from his side opinion!!!! Does anyone know somone like that???

Hello B&D,<P>I am glad your getting help from phychiatrist. Keep it up. My husband and I are on speaking terms. But I know he still has contact with OW. What kind of contact I don't know. He says it's not sex...I'd like to believe him but I'm no longer a fool.<P>Will we work it out...I don't know. Could I forgive? Yes I know I can. But I won't wait forever. I have already started living and planning my own life. I can not dwell on what awful things my "H" and sister in law have done to me and my family. So each day I pray to keep going one more day. I need to love my self and my friends and family...so I dwell on that. I DO have major set backs on a regular basis. I feel like a crazy woman. And I hate that! <P>We are not together now and I like it that way. He lives in our house and I have an apartment with a room mate. I don't know how I will trust again. The betrayal is so damaging and so deep. But if he breaks it off with OW completely after a period of time I would consider a reconsiliation. But I know the longer we are apart the less likely I will want to get back with him. I like being on my own with out having all the responsabilities of taking care of his needs everyday. My "H" is high maintainence. I use to love it that way. I loved doing all the housewife things for him.<P>You see, I think if you could look at the flip side of this in the terms that there's truely a lot less work for you in taking everyday care of him. Maybe it would be good for you. <P>I am sorry the meds you were taking were not for you. Maybe something else would help. A different drug. Are you getting any exercise? I try to walk everyday. Now where I live it's getting quite cold and I think I'm going to join a gym. Take small steps toward helping yourself each day. Even if it's a walk around the place where you live or work. Try to think on positive things about your life. I KNOW IT'S HARD! but just one little walk with only good thoughts, Try it!<BR>Until next time my friend, D/2000

Betrayed and Desperate,<P>I am going to tell you a short story about a couple that I work with. About 4 years ago, the man started having an affair with another woman that works with both the man and his wife. The affair had been going on for about 4 months when the OW became pregnant. The W found out about the affair when her H moved out to be with the OW. I really don't know how long he lived with the OW, but he did not stay in her house very long. After he moved out, they were still seeing each other on a regular basis while he was living on his own. The separation lasted for well over a year but the affair soon ended after the baby was born. The affair died a natural death on it's own.<P>One day a couple of months ago, I was talking to this man's wife. They had gotten back together and their marriage was better in many ways that it was before the affair. She told me that one day she was riding by his house and just happened to look in and see him sitting there all alone. She said she drove past the house but decided to turn around and go back. It was the first time she had ever been to the house where he lived. She knocked on the door and when he came to answer and saw it was her, she said he had a very sad look on his face. She asked him of he was ok, and he just looked at her and said, "I just want to come home".<P>She said she took him by the hand and said, "start packing". She told me that she has never regreted taking him back. Today, they are both happily married and have rebuilt their marriage. I know this must have been hard for this woman, but she knew in her heart that he was the only man that ever mattered to her and she was the woman that he wanted to be with for the rest of his life. She also has to see the OW almost every week because they all work together. <P>I hope I can get both of them to come to this site one day and post their story. This one had a happy ending. Who is better off here? Not the OW. It was the wife that believed and the husband that opened his eyes and just wanted to come home after almost two years of being apart.........fs<P>

Dear B & D,<P>I just want to let you know that I am thinking of you, and praying for you.<P>Yes, I understand exactly how you feel. My H had an affair, which lasted 6 months. He chose to move on even after that, and is now on his 5th girlfriend since we separated and shows no sign or inclination of wanting to come home. His new girlfriend could be serious, or so he tells me, and now she spends a lot of time with my 2 daughters. My children are only 5 yo and 2 yo. They think she is wonderful.<P>Of course it hurts, it hurts like nothing else I have ever experienced. But I have learnt so much from being here. I have learnt that I do matter, what I feel does count, and that I AM IMPORTANT. YOU ARE important too. You must think of your younger daughter, she needs you so much. These times are so difficult for the children, you absolutely MUST NOT do anything to yourself for her sake.<P>I don't know what becomes of these wayward spouses. All I know is that eventually they do wake up, and realise what they have done. You must look after yourself, make yourself pretty again, not just on the outside, but from the inside. I know how hard this is to do, but you know what I did.?<BR>I started having baths with my chilren. They love bath bombs (fizzy things that disintergrate in the bath and make it smell nice!!) so we would have bath bombs every night. I also made it my goal to make my bed every morning. Those 2 tiny steps, made me keep my sanity. Then, after I had accomplished those 2 small steps, I used to go for coffee with a girlfriend once a week. That was also something to look forward to. I gave myself something to look forward to every single day. That is how I got through where you are now. I have been there, as have most of the people here.<BR>You need to give yourself those small "make yourself feel good" stepping stones.<P>I used to wake up, look at myself, feel useless and horrible. So, I made my bed, had my shower and put a little makeup on. I felt a lot better after doing those small things.<P>You will too.<P>Keep coming here, we'll get you through this. It's horrible, it's painful, but you will do it. You have your prescious daughters to think about. Think about them, if nothing else.<P>I'm sending a big hug your way, and will keep you in my prayers.<P>Bonnet..<P>ps It's just a thought, but could the war and what you have all been through have anything to do with what your H is doing now?<BR>I have read that war sometimes does funny things to people, and they react in very different and unusual ways?<P>

I am an old time member, but read your post and the replies and wanted to share with you my story of hope.<P>My h's affair began 11/98. I discovered it 3/99...My h agreed to try to work it out. But he worked with ow. They are both police officers.. For a month my h seemed to be in withdrawal,, although at the time I didnt know what it was because I hadnt read Harley's book. I found out h saw ow 4/99, and asked him to leave..(still pre-harley)....<BR>It was a risky move because I threw him into the arms of the ow...but I glad now that it happend.<BR>H moved in with ow and signed a year lease on a new apartment with her.. He even bought a washer and dryer, and took some things from our home. I went to a lawyer, and we agreed to try to divorce amicably,,we calmly divided up assets and agreed to a settlement I would pay him for part of the equity in our home which I was to keep.<P>This all happend pretty fast...... But, within a few weeks of my h being out of our home, he began to page me when I was at work, and he would be crying. He would tell me that h screwed up and he loved me and how sorry he was.... He didnt really say he wanted to come home yet....<BR>At this time, I had found the book Surviving An Affair. For the first time, I had hope that my marriage could survive.<BR>I decided that I was going to share some of what I read with my h, but that I was going to be in a plan b,, because I really plan A'd him from 11/98-4/99, (without knowing what it was called). I also believe that my h knew that he had a loving home and great wife to come home to..... h knew i could meet his needs.....<BR>So since it was so difficult for me to really talk to him or see him, I left copies of exerpts from SAA and other books for him to read, and told him that if he wanted to get his life together like he said he did that I needed to see actions, not just words.<BR>I wrote h a plan B letter because It was just too hard for me to have contact with him while he was seeing or living with ow. <BR> H would continue to try to contact me by pager and still left notes at home for me when he would stop by to pick up bills while I was gone. I quit responding to his notes, or only responded to the business portion of his note... didnt respond to him saying he missed me, or loved me....... I was bound and determined not to let him get his needs met by both me and ow... he needed to see that she alone could not meet his needs... if i would have kept talking with him,,it would have went on a lot longer. He didnt want to give either of us up and I knew it...<BR> His notes became a little more desperate, and he tried to page me... h left voice mails crying and asking me to call him... I actually had to be strong and not call him.... It was so difficult!!!!!!! It was hard to hear my h cry.. H never cried to me ever.... Then, I changed my pager number....... He tried to page me again and couldnt get a hold of me...... Boy did he have a hard time with that. He then left me a note and told me he wanted to come home.<BR> I paged him the next day and told him that if and only if he was going to leave the ow for good and make a serious effort toward working on or marriage could he call me. I told him a certain time to call. 4:00 on Friday June 4th, 1998... He called and then came over that night.. We talked and talked and he told me all the things he wanted to do to fix our marriage. He told me he needed a little time to leave the ow, and try to get out of the lease etc. <BR> I told him that I would be out of town for the next 5 days and that I didnt want him to stay with her on our anniversary on June 8th, that he could stay at our home while i was out of town.<P> On June 8th, I called him from Chicago and he was at our home. He told me that he left the ow and he was home for good!!!!!!!!!!!I was elated and so happy...... I came home on June 9th and celebrated!!<BR> Little did I know the power of an affair and the power of withdrawal.. But this time, we were both armed with ammo.. We knew about withdrawal.......we knew it was gonna take time........<BR> Things began going ok,,,,,it was a little uncomfortable, and my h was in withdrawal so it was very hard on me.. Then the bomb shell dropped.......Mid August 1999.. I had sensed something was wrong.........H fessed up... OW had just bought a house around the corner from us and did not want to give up my h........!!!!!<BR> I was devestated. I not only had to deal with the affair, the withdrawal and all the other stuff that only betrayed spouses know you have to go through... Now this girl (23 year old) (H was 35) bought a home in our neighborhood on a main road I had to drive by every day..... It was awful... My h and I had only been in our newly built home for a year... it was our dream home...we didnt want to move.... but the worst news was that I knew my h wasnt over her,,,,,and that hurt... After all we had been through how could he even think about wanting to be with ow..<BR> From August till Nov. 99 it was tough.. my h at times seemed to be slowly getting through withdrawal.....like baby steps.....then I would find out he talked to her or saw her at work.......It was a roller coaster ride from hell!!!!<BR> Finally, in Novemeber, I had enough.. My nerves, my physical health and my job were all suffering. I wrote my h a letter and told him that it was ok for him to leave me now. That I didnt want him home out of guilt... That I was going to be ok, and not to worry about me.. I opened the door and let him go........It felt really good, and I knew it was going to be painful to get through, but not as painful as what he had put me through that year. <BR> My h got that note and that weekend we put the for sale signs on our new home. H told me h wanted to sell the house and move away from ow... I was in!<BR> From that day on, there was nothing but improvements in my h's withdrawal. I never asked and to this day, I havent the slightest idea what had finally clicked in him......... by January and Feb, I was really seeing my old h again.<BR> We sold our house, and moved out June 2000. We are currently building a brand new, bigger and better home miles away from the ow. We move in Dec. 15th! My h is now a detective and does not see the ow anymore at work. She has moved on to a new boyfriend.<BR> Our marriage is better than it ever was before this whole thing happend!!!!!!! My h is better to me and we both do not take each other for granted. We communicate more. We see each other more....We just have a deeper and better relationship. We used what happend to us as motivation for having the best marriage we could have and never letting our guards down again.... I am smarter and so is he. We know and see how affairs can happen and how they can easily ruin a marriage. For the grace of God my marriage was saved. But I also give credit to this marriage builder site and for Dr. Harley's book. <BR> The books I read educated me about affairs, without that, I would not have an understanding of what a betrayer goes through and why. Especially withdrawal. This site gave me the patience. Everytime I was frustrated or ran out of hope, I came here. There was always someone here to pick me up, and it saved me from lovebusting..<BR> I went to church and I prayed a lot. I also got my husband to start attending church for the first time and this has been an exciting new life for the both of us!!<BR> So please to all of you who do not have hope...Please look at my example and there are many others out there. I was like many of you.. I thought it would take a miracle to turn my h around......I didnt think it was ever gonna happen. One day seemed like a year in this mess.... <BR> Dont give up until you have given it your all.Only you know when that time is. Its different for all of us.... So yes,,,,,,,it was a year for the fog to lift.... But I think it depends on how its handled and what the ws thinks he has to come home to.. Make it easy for him to come home when he is ready.. But dont make it easy for him to see you while he is gone. Dont let him get his needs met by both of you, or it will last a lot longer than it should. I do believe that affairs die a natural death. My h couldnt do it cold turkey...... <P>Take care and God bless

[QUOTE]Originally posted by firestorm:<BR>[B]Betrayed and Desperate,<P>Who is better off here? Not the OW. It was the wife that believed and the husband that opened his eyes and just wanted to come home after almost two years of being apart.........fs<P>Dear firestorm<BR>I try to beleieve you, but I think maybe here in Croatia men are too proud to admitt they made a wrong move. Just now I was with my H but he was ice cold and seemed satisfied with his life. He was not even upset that YD didn't want to go with him skiing in Italy , because OW would be there.<BR>I try to convice her to go for selfish reason, becazuse I want OW to se how is to live with his 11 YD and take care of a child (she had several abortions till now-didn't want kids with her former lovers).<BR>Now when I spent 20 min with him I am again at the start: I cry want him back, I didnt beg him, we talked abaut neutral themes, but at the end I whispered Maja and me still love you and need you. He didn't show any emotions.<BR>I realy think there is no hope . If you read my new topic (more bad news) you'll see things are not moving forwards, just opposite-he is more and more satisfied and happy wu+ith OW.<BR>I really vcan not hoepe any more.<BR>But thanks for the support, I need such warm words because I lost almost every friends here, I am boring to them, they simply can not understand how I want him back.<BR>Please stay in contact<P><BR>De<P>

Dear Bonnet,<BR>unfortunately the war is not a reason, we live in Rijeka, a town what was far from the war.<BR>No the only reason I can see is maybe tthe middle age crisis (42) or me. I am not attractive, I am MD, PhD, became a assistant proffesor, and he was making and building the most succesfull company in our region. During that time we obviously became strangers to each other, he felt neglected but I also- the most important mistake was: we stopped talking.<BR>Now this OW: young, pretty, free, without obligations, funny, has moved into his (our ) house- she does not do anything but enjoys life with him .OD is not a problem, and younger they don't see-not exist neither for her father from the moment she moved into the house.<BR>These are the facts what ruin every hope. The only one what stays is he does not fil for dvorce for now, but the time point during our law is May 12th when we passed first step ("attempt of reconciliation" in one our social institution) what lasts a year and if till that time the divorce is not filled one can pass through this once again.<BR>I dn't know, today it seems to me there is no hope at all. We were together for 20 min today but he was ice cold .<BR>No I can't believe I can succed, my yd and me will stay alone, and for me that's not life only surviving.<BR>Thanks anyway. I hoe we'll stay in touch