Not sure how to state this...but here it goes...I had a relationship with a friend that turned into something that it shouldn't have. We did not sleep toegether however it was very close. <P>I have a loving family. My wife and I have had alot of problems over the past 2 years and I turned to this other person for comfort and should not have. We were both in trouble in our marriages. Now that I look at it, this other person even made it worse by me being attacted to her.<P>I finally woke up one day and realized what I was doing and said...STOP !!!!! and I told her also!!! This is wrong, I am wrong...we are married!!! We made a committment.<BR>I love my wife and family...<P>I finally realized how much I LOVE my family and how all this would hurt them if it was ever found out. I finally realized how much I love my wife and how much she loves our children. I was so selfish in what I wanted I lost sight of what GOD wanted for me.<P>I go to church almost everyday and ask GOD for forgiveness. The people I have confided in say that I need to forgive myself first, which I am having a hard time doing.<P>I am having a really difficult time of holding my wife and wanting to be close to her due to what I did...I use to be able to get excited over her by just looking at her...not anymore...and I know it is the guilt that is the problem.<P>I thought about ending my life due to this, but I realized how that would be worse than what I did. It might make me feel better now, but in the end would only hurt everyone.<P>I can't stomach to think of what I did. How I have hurt my wife so, and how to move on. <BR>I have taken away something scared from our marriage that I will never be able to replace and I feel like it is all over cause of my stupidness.<P>I am doing all the correct PLAN A things now. I love my wife so, but I have to see this other person alot. She is not trying anything, she knows how much I hurt over this. and I told her to stay out of my life.<P>Does this ever get better??? I know I was wrong, but how do I forgive myself and move on??? I will never do something like this again. I ask GOD everyday to help me thru the day and get over this feeling.<P>I just can't believe how much I have hurt my wife. I cannot tell her, or our marriage is certainly over. Trust me on that...I have to live with this SIN the rest of my life. I have asked GOD for his forgiveness ALOT...<P>Please help...Tell me I can make this work...I am finding out that I have no idea how to be a Good Husband. I always seem to fall to the person who comforts me. I have never done this before and it kills me to think I could stupe this low.

mscum<P>I am a wife of a WS, and I will tell you the thing that hurt me worse than anything throughout this whole A, is that fact that he lied to me, and continued to lie to me. I often wonder why he didn't give me the option to forgive him, and just tell me what happened, instead of finding out on my own. It would have made it so much easier on my wounded heart. To know that above all the mistakes he made, that he came to me and said, listen, this is what I did, I don't know what to do about it, I can never make it up to you, but I respect you enough to tell you. Its so much harder when you find out. Tell her, infact I would show her your post. We all make mistakes, we are human, your wife loves you give her a chance. You might be surprised..Lean on her, and let her lean on you. Secrets only tear your marriage apart. I feel you have more of a chance, by telling her, than hiding it from her, right now she has no idea why you are pulling away from her, and that hurts and its not fair. I really think from reading your post that you are truly sorry, and want to make your marriage work. I would also suggest some counceling. Good luck, and keep us posted.<P>Noodles<p>[This message has been edited by noodles (edited November 08, 2000).]

Dear mscum, <P>Yes, I call my WS that name often because of his 2 year PA and how it affected my life, my baby, and led to my beloved father's premature demise, etc.. <P>Please read Proverbs 4-6 because therein lies the message about temptations. I wished my WS had read that before the A. I am heartened that you totally realised and are fully repentant about your emotional affair. It is really the first step to asking for forgiveness from God and receiving it. God made man responsible and accountable to his family and you nearly burnt that house down. I feel that your description of your misery is testament that this is something that you would never repeat in your lifetime, which is great.<P>Please seek counselling together with your wife, either from a trained pastor or professional, to help address the issues in your marriage that have given rise to problems. That will help you to resolve issues like communications and needs and help bring you to a new level in the relationship.<P>You have helped me tremendously in one area. When my WS told me that he was so guilty, he couldn't look me in the eye and that he had difficulty being physical as a result of his dark secret and sin, I didn't believe him. Is that how it is? My counsellor told me that besides the guilt, there could also be spiritual forces at play, namely that whatever that is pure and right will be taken away when you are still unrepentant and living in the sin. Now that the affair is over, there are little problems in that department.<P>We were also given wisdom to pray, such as in asking God's will be done in our lives and marriage and to pray for hedges of protection to surround you and your spouse and marriage that no lover can get to either of you.<P>I think a period of remorse and penitence as a way of cleansing yourself through a dialogue with God is a part of the healing and rebuilding of a shattered self-love and esteem. Learn to listen to God's voice and read His word. There are many good authors such as Derek Prince, Lewis B. Smedes, Max Lucado and Stormie Omartian (two which you can get for your wife to pray for you and the children).<P>Please let me know your progress.<P>God bless you<BR>weep

I cannot tell my wife. We have been thru too much and she has told me that she cannot put up with one more thing from me. (About 10 years ago I went thru a MAJOR depression that almost ended our marriage, and all of our marriage problems these past 2 years have taken alot out of us)<P>Somehow I need to forget it, and move on.<P>It was a MAJOR mistake. GOD forgives if you truely Repent, which I am doing...<P>The worse part of all this is the feeling that I took something so sacred from her. I can never replace that.<P>Why is life so hard???<P>I know if I tell her, our marriage is over, I am sure of that.<P>I am going to pray to GOD that he will have the answer for me.<P>I think it would be worse for me to loose my family than anything in the world. I can't do that...<P>GOD is sending me a message...I am just trying to figure out what it is...<P>DIVORCE runs in our family, and I should of recognized this. When you feel so good about things, you are blinded by the true facts of life. You never realize how you are hurting yourself even though it feels good. Please if anyone out there is reading this...PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT start something that you will be regretting later....Step back and look at yourself...Don't be fooled by the facts of LUST over true LOVE!!! IT IS NOT worth the consequnces. TRUST ME on this one.

Dear mscum,<P>"divorce runs in our family...". Have you spoken to a pastor or church elder about this? We were told that there is such a thing as "generational curses" and it is found in the bible. You will need to break that generational curse with help from your pastor through deliverance. <P>My WS's come from a family of unfaithful forefathers and multiple mistresses, and unhappy wives. It was through his adultery counselling that we found that this runs in his family whereas my forefathers were faithful and honourable men whose wives were highly respected and intelligent. I would ask WS about how he was prayed for, if at all.<P>In order to get a message from God, one needs to walk in the light and read His Word so that when God gives a message, one is able to feel the peace because it is biblical. Surrender your life to Jesus and pray to let God's will be done in your life, and you will see the fruits of your repentance. Trust in God's healing and restoration power. You may want to rededicate your marriage during one of the anniversaries?<P>God help you<BR>weep

mscum<BR>YES you will make it thru this. I have been were you are. I could have written that same posting. The road you are on will be rocky...but it is the right one...the road you WERE on would have been alot worse. My marriage is better than ever! Thanks to the people hear as well as other things I did. Do you have an e-mail address, I need to convey somethings you need to hear.

I can't give you my E-MAIL...please tell me...I'm really hurting...It was more than just emotional...but I never slept with her...I can't say the thought never crossed my mind - which is totally wrong and I can't forgive myself for that...plus this person lives close by which makes it even worse. I can't move, yet I hate to see this person and her husband cause I know how rotten I have been...HELP!!!

Do check a few of these out...<P><B>Web sites..</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks4.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself</A><BR><A HREF="http://forgivenessweb.com" TARGET=_blank>The Forgiveness Web</A><P><B>Books...</B><BR><OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/034541344X" TARGET=_blank><B>The Art of Forgiving :</B> When You Need to Forgive and Don't Know How</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060674318" TARGET=_blank><B>Forgive and Forget </B>: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0785282556" TARGET=_blank><B>The Choosing to Forgive Workbook</B></A> by Les Carter, Frank Minirth <BR></OL><P><B>Links to posts...</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000076.html" TARGET=_blank>Can I forgive?????</A>…..indy032…..1/31/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003000.html" TARGET=_blank>The apology letter from my husband</A>…..Crushed…..5/18/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003319.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness.....</A>…..just_me…..6/5/2000<P> <P>Jim

I think some of us wish our WS had felt this kind of guilt. But it sounds like it is keeping you from moving forward rather than to lead you to make it up to your wife. (My h says that is the true purpose of guilt and since he was here working hard after 2 yrs of EA and PA with two women, there was no more reason to feel guilty.)<P>Dumone knows what he's talking about. Here's a link to a thread he posted:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/006102.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/006102.html</A> <P>I think you will need to tell your wife - not to get it off your chest, but so you can build a stronger marriage based on TOTAL HONESTY. Have you read Harley's info or the book "Surviving an Affair"?<P>It is a long, hard road, but many of us can say we have built stronger, deeper marriages after the infidelity.

First of all calm down, you are human, not that what we did was okay, but you fell on this road called life...pick yourself up, dust yourself off and do the right thing. Get a copy of "His needs Her needs" read it, both you and your wife. Tell your wife what happened...better yet like noodles said, let her read your post. It sounds like there was trouble before this so you both need to get into counseling. I'm not sure where you are emotionally with the OW...it sounds like you were able to just stop this affair with her cold turkey...thats what it "sounds" like...are you emotionally attached to her?<P>Its good that you realize what you did and where you are in this...you are way ahead of the game than most after doing what you did. <P>Again, you need to forgive yourself, you have repented, God HAS forgiven you. Now lets fix the reasons why this happened so it wont happen again. This OW filled a need or a void that was in your marriage. You BOTH need to identify what it/they are and work on them. Usually it is both of you that has neglected your relationship, because of LIFE!! Work, kids, home, money, stress, pressures etc. Think back to when you guys met and why you wanted to marry her...find it, get it back, SPEND TIME TOGETHER AGAIN, make it a priority. All this wont happen easily or quickly, the road ahead will not be a pleasant one BUT, stay close to God, HE WILL GUIDE YOU, as long as you ask him, believe me he will drag you thru the mud before he will let you see the sun, stay close to him and he will bless your marriage.<BR>Again it will take the both of you. If your wife feels the love for you as you have expressed for her here then you guys are gunna make it.<P>Getting back to emotions...You MUST be emotionally attached to her, I dont see how you coud not be...these feelings of the heart are the most powerful you will probably deal with in your life, no matter what anyone says hear will not relieve the torture you will go thru when dealing with what your head says versus what your heart is telling you. Listen to your head...in time your heart will follow.<P>Learn from this...dont let it destroy you or your marriage, if you do you will make satan a very happy SOB.<P>You have good morals and standards when it comes to you your wife and family, listen to them...your not a bad person.<P>I gotta run...I'll check in on ya tommorrow. I feel for you, I was there, believe me you WILL come out of this a better person.Pray, Pray, Pray

I cannot tell my wife no matter what...obviously you're not hearing me in the fact that she will leave me. I am not a strong person. Yes what I did was wrong...I know that...I do love her(my wife)...One of the big problems here is that I have to see this other person and her husband constantly. There is no way around it. I feel so cheap and guilty on what I did that I cannot face myself or people around me. I am totally in awe how this can happen. I thought I was an upright moral kind of guy. I can't believe the things I said or did...only a wife and husband should know those...SATAN has grabbed me and taken from me things I cannot understand. I am still going to ask GOD for all the help in the world. I am seeing a counselor next week. I know I cannot go on in life like this. Everybody thinks I am such a good person, well you know what...I have failed at that, and now I question whether I can raise my kids properly...show them the true love I have for them,...How the heck can I love my wife if I did something like this???<P>I totally ended it with the person. I did have feelings for her or I would have done what I done right??? I told her that she needs to work on her relationship with her husband cause what we were doing was totally wrong. BIG TIME. I told her I want as much distance as possible between us. Unfortunately she goes to our church and I have to see her every week. I am a forgiving person, but this is really eating at me...Can I survive in the same town as this person??? I can't move...And I can't say anything to anyone about this...<P><BR>I keep telling her(my wife) I love her...I call her during the day and tell her I miss her...yet when I go home...I am afraid to be close to her...and I know this is part of my intimacy problem...<P>How can such a rotten person like me ... teach young children not to lie...to be nice and respect other people in life...and to show love for other people??? I have delt the ultimate SIN...here I condemn Mr. Clinton for his doings (where I shouldn't judge) and where do I end up???<P>I hope to make it to next week...

The first thing you need to do is get a different username. The one you have reeks of negative self-talk. And the more you talk down about yourself, the worse you will feel about yourself.<P>The second thing you need to do is LISTEN to what these people have told you. You asked for their advice - and you are telling them they are not listening to you. But they are. They are listening and explaining that telling your wife is really not a choice... you will continue to suffer if you don't tell her, and in doing so, you will destroy your marriage anyway. Yes, you have hurt your wife. Yes, you have done her and your family wrong. But the truth is necessary for you and your wife to move forward.<P>Let me tell you something - if your marriage is going to fall apart because you tell your wife that you <B>stopped</B> an inappropriate involvement with another person, it is going to fall apart because of something else if you don't tell her. If it is that fragile, it won't last without TRUTH.<P>I am not a devout Christian, but I do know that there can be a lot of comfort in the Bible. And I think you will find that God's will demands truth also.<P>Please get some counseling for yourself. If you are prone to depression, you could drive yourself back there way too easily. And Please think about this: the truth will set you free... not telling the truth ties your soul up in knots - you are feeling that already, aren't you?<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I cannot tell my wife no matter what...obviously you're not hearing me in the fact that she will leave me. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think many WS firmly believe this, and yet here we all are wanting to recover.<P>You wrongly JUDGE your wife when you assume this about her. Even if she has said so in the past, I know I did, and from what you've described my h was far worse than you.<P>You are feeling a lot of self-pity. Whether you tell her or not, get up and love your wife. Seeing OW at the church is yet another reason to tell your wife. She would most likely support a change in churches.

Hi Mscum:<P>Hey boy, I'm the wife of a WS and even I wouldn't want to see him punish himself like you're doing. If you really truly love someone you can forgive just about anything.<BR>It's time to tell your wife...share this with her...I'm sure she already is aware that something has happened...just doesn't know what. The EA will be difficult for her yes...but your remorse will go a long way toward healing her hurt. <P>All you are doing now is building a wall between you and her...a wall held together by guilt. And every day it gets taller and taller until one day you can't see or reach each other any more. And you have hurt her anyway...far worse then the A ever would have hurt her. <P>Don't be afraid...at first she will be shocked and hurt, but in time she will realize that knowing about the A was necessary for both of you to move pass it and to begin to recover. <P>Remember when you were a little kid and you did something bad...and you didn't want Mom or Dad to find out...so you hid it...but it didn't quite feel right...so you were glad when it was discovered and you were punished. Now there's no one to punish you but you and you're doing a good job. Don't be afraid of the punishment...it's never as bad as you think it will be...and living a lie is a lot worse don't you think.<P>We'll be here if you need us.<P>Angels and Prayers ~ Faye<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited November 08, 2000).]

"If you aim for the inner peace of a life well lived, you will find true happiness as the prize"<P>A life well lived...do you think that means NEVER making a mistake?! Do you think that means NEVER committing a sin?! <P>You need to listen to the people here, ESPECIALLY the women living with/thru the similar circumstances that you have. They know. They are feeling the pain with what was done to them. They know the way they wish things were handled. Maybe your prayers were answered when you were guided here! Maybe God is helping you thru here! I believe that is what was done to me. There is no easy way out of this, it will be a long, hard road, but not an impossible road to travel.<P>I agree with Terri. "If it is that fragile, it won't last without TRUTH." Make no mistake, your wife knows something is up, something is wrong...talk to her.<P>You wrote "Please help...Tell me I can make this work...I am finding out that I have no idea how to be a Good Husband. I always seem to fall to the person who comforts me. I have never done this before and it kills me to think I could stupe this low."<P>You can make this work...realize that at this point in time you are in a whirlwind, you cant trust your thoughts or thinking...LISTEN to these people...stop fighting with yourself, I think you know what the right thing to do is, your just scared to death to do it.<P>As far as falling for the person who comforts you? That should be your wife. If you go looking for comfort from other women...and you may say that you dont go looking, but if you are willing to tell another women about things that are troubling you of a personal nature about you, your wife, family etc. Then you are crossing boundries with that women that should not be crossed, in doing so you are looking for this kind of trouble.<P>Try this...lets say a friend of yours came to you with the same situation you are in looking for help, guidance etc. What would YOU tell HIM to do??? You would tell him to do what you felt was right and the best way to handle this situation...right? Listen to yourself...listen to what you would tell him...follow that. If you dont know what you would tell him, if you dont know how you would handle this...then go somewhere where you will be comfortable with the advice on what to do, whether it is the Bible, this web site, a counselor, freind whoever. You think telling your wife is not possible, then go to different resources, if you find that they tell you to not tell her, and you believe that to be OK, and you can live with that, then DO IT! I think you dont want to tell her because you dont want to hurt her with this, you dont want to see the pain it will cause. You made a mistake. The important thing is your willing to fix it.

Mscum,<BR>I've been on both sides of infidelity. My husband & I are both Christians. We both made dreadful mistakes in turning to other people. Neither of us had the sense you showed in stopping the relationship before it became physical. God forgives us both. We forgive each other. Forgiving ourselves was the hardest part of the equation. But knowing that we're on the right path, accountable to one another, and truly love each other, despite our crummy behavior helps. We know the worst of each other, and we still want to be together. There is no "gee, if he/she knew, he/she'd dump me" and there is great comfort in that.<P>You can keep this secret your whole life. But there are a lot of us that doubt that is the best way. Can you be whole without your wife's forgiveness?<P>And you know, there's a really lousy verse for her...Jesus says to forgive 70 X 7 times, which is not literally 490, but is symbolic for Godlike forgiveness. If you are repentent, her own faith requires her to forgive you. My husband's affair lasted at least 18 months. He moved out 7 times, we were separated 14 out of 20 months and now we're finally in recovery. I had to forgive him...and believe me, he was creeping up on 490 offenses!<P>I agree with Terri, I doubt your marriage will fail because of confessing the end of an inappropriate unconsumated relationship, especially if you follow it up with Plan A, counseling, and a true desire to be the husband God wants you to be to your wife.<P>I just want to encourage you that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You've already made one of the tough decision--to stop the affair. You can do what is recquired of you in your marriage.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

I have read a few stories here where people still have to work with the "A" person, or see them now and then...is it possible and how long does it take to not feel the guilt of what you have done when you see this person??? All I want to do is hold my wifes hand really tight when I see this person knowing what might have happened...<P>I feel a bit better today...but whenever I talk to my wife...I sometimes get teary eyed...I have an appt. next week with a counselor to try and sort things out.<P>I hope to GOD that I come to grips with life...I'm 39...Is this a mid-life thing???<BR>I still can't concentrate at work...thinking how all this is going to work out...<BR>Why does GOD let you do things like this???<BR>I know we don't know the answers...it's all in his plan...I'm putting it in his hands...<P>I love my kids and wife...but I can't look my friends in the face right now...knowing how I faltered...<P>The only good thing of this is that I know another person who is having an affair because her marriage was on the rocks for years...he is an alcoholic...I didn't judge her...but I finally had the courage to tell her it is WRONG!!! and to STOP before she regrets what she is doing...I use to tell her that she has to be happy...but the way she is doing it is NOT the right way...

Mscum,<BR>You can't blame this on God. We've got free will, remember? He allows us to make our own choices between right and sin, and He doesn't use those lightning bolts very often. I'm pretty grateful for that. He also allows the Enemy to sift us like wheat--and it is no fun.<P>Still, God does have a plan and he uses all things to good for those that love him. *ALL* things includes the bad things. See, in telling your friend she is doing something wrong, you've already used your experience for good, even though you feel so terrible about it.<BR>

I DEFINITELY recommend you not tell your wife. What is the point? It accomplishes nothing positive. Just try to be a good husband. Think of her before you think of yourself. Definitely go for counseling. My husband sounds very much like you. I discovered his affair and I am having a difficult time forgiving him. My therapist likened what he did to pleading insanity after murder. He is definitely guilty but obviously mentally unstable to have done what he did being the type of man he is. You sound a lot like him. You need to learn some good communication skills. See a good therapist for yourself and your marriage.

I'm pretty new here but have been on another website dealing with affairs for about 4 months. I'll also go out on a limb here and say that confessing to the spouse is not a one size fits all thing. I have heard from people who have realized their mistakes and corrected them without ever putting their spouse through the pain of a confession. Personally, I believe that it's best for most to get everything out in the open, but I would not go so far as to say that it is best for everyone. You are the only one who can make that decision. Please don't let yourself be persuaded to do something that you truly believe is not the right thing for you, at least not at this time.<P>I will say, however, that your marriage is in dire need of repair and rebuilding. From what you said, it sounds like it was in this condition before your EA. THAT is what you need to concentrate on RIGHT NOW. Concentrate on your primary relationship. Go back to the beginning and determine what is weak and damaged and make it stronger. Build a connection with your wife that is so strong that nothing like this can ever happen again. I think if you begin to do this, you will begin to respect yourself again. As the work you do on your marriage starts to bring rewards, you will both take pride in that work and in eachother. Don't be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes. We find our worth and our purpose from correcting those mistakes and learning from them.<BR>