Seems that lately, my W and I are just, well, tired is the only way to put it. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. Dealing with the aftermath of my A, trying every day to work on our relationship, put on a brave face, deal with the usual crises of life (her academic work, my job, our families, upcoming holidays, etc.) has really been sapping our strength lately. She's resorted to LBs (true ones, but still LBs) for the first time since the A happened, and we just haven't been happy with each other lately, pushing each other's buttons.<P>Does anyone else have any experience with this, insofar as you thought it was specifically A-related? How did you and your spouse handle it? Any tips on making it better? Any guidance would be appreciated. Thanks

We have had out-of-the-ordinary problems with our 2 teenage daughters, plus money is getting a little tight (H quit part-time ministry job due in part to his A....still, no one else knows). While the A has shifted somewhat to the back burner, these other stresses seem to make my recovery that much more exhausting and difficult. I want to talk about everything, including how I am dealing with the A, but am afraid H would take it wrong, would think I should be past that by now (5 months).<P>It seems like the active working on our relationship has come to a screeching halt, and my brave face is about to crack. I know exactly how you feel. (BTW, I am a "Taxlady". Don't know how I'll handle tax season this coming year, as that is when the bulk of the A took place last year. Constant trigger. I have been basically worthless at work since I found out.)<P>I would also appreciate any advice on how to deal with all of the everyday stressors, on top of trying to recover.<P>------------------<BR>"Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:7

Taxman - I have some experience with this I guess. As you know rebuilding your marriage is very tough work, and it isn't an easy road to travel. But in a way, it shouldn't all be work. . .you should have fun, enjoy each day that you have together.<P>Ever since the A, I think every one of our little spats is A-related, when really, it's just communication problems.<P>When I confided in my H about the affair, asked for forgiveness, etc. . .I thought I had this magic wand and poof everything would be perfect. But it wasn't. . .I guess I expected too much too soon. I thought one day, one day we'll be "over" this and we won't have to worry about "fixing" anything.<P>But, I think the one thing I realize after all of this is that marriage is never "finished." As individuals we grow and change through the years, so why do we expect our "marriages" to remain constant? Yeah, we want to be happy and have strong, healthy marriage. . .but it shouldn't have to be work day-in-and-day-out.<P>For me, it's not that I'm burned out from trying, but it IS tiring to think about every little thing "Was that a LB?" "How can I make a deposit?" "No, I'm not thinking about the OM, I'm just cranky." I don't know that "recovery" should be this emergency relief effort that you hope will suddenly stop some day and you can relax. I think you'll never really be ready to "relax." So, you have to prepare yourself for the long haul. . .<P>Some days, you'll get cranky, you'll be depressed, you'll wonder when you'll get back to "normal" life - expect that. But also know that while today might suck, I mean really suck. . .tomorrow could be the best day of your marriage ever.<P>I think we just need to recognize that problems will not be "fixed" over night, but you don't always have to be on your toes. Marriage is like a marathon race, you cannot sprint for 26 miles - unless you're Superman and the Bionic Woman. . .you have to pace yourself. . .Sometimes, you have to slow down and take a cup of water. . .<P>I think that since we're going through this, we're like in "emergency-mode" that we're working so hard, and trying so hard - we want it so much that we never take a breather and just have fun, enjoy each other.<P>So, I guess, in my opinion, there will be days that you get "tired" - so take a little break. Just have fun sometimes. . .When you have a lot of "outside" things going on - just deal with them the best you can. We all can't be Mr. or Mrs. Perfect all the time - sometimes you're going to push each others' buttons - recognize that. It's a part of life. . .and it wouldn't be any fun if you couldn't "make up" later!!<P>Just because you push each others' buttons - doesn't mean that you love each other any less - you're just a little cranky and it will pass. The thing is, while the A happened, it doesn't necessarily mean that every little problem is related to the affair - some of it is external, and some of it comes from dealing with the external. I guess the important thing is not how "fast" you run, or how quickly you heal, but sometimes, just making it through the day is a good start.<P>If external things are getting in the way, or really making things harder. . .than you need to talk to each other and see how you both can cut down on these extra pressures. School, the holidays, etc. . .those are all temporary and will end soon enough. Families, well you just need to put each other first and then your families. Make sure you have your priorities in order - your relationship with your wife should take precedence over some of the other stuff.<P>But don't get overwhelmed. . .try to change those things that you can change (to make life easier) and try to endure those things that you cannot change in the best way that you can.<P>Don't know if this helped, but I've been there, too. Try not to let it get to you.

Dear Taxman,<P>The A is finally sinking in and she is grieving at the loss of her husband through the A. She is hitting out because she is fedup with triggers that remind her of OP, I believe.<P>As for you, I think your guilt and feelings of helplessness at the mess have made you less happy about who you are, and the role of husband in the marriage.<P>I hope couple counselling can help. I am doing individual counselling (without my WS blessings) so that I can validate and talk about my horrendous feelings at the betrayal.<P>Most days, we lack energy to even face each other. It is like something is damaged and both know it, but too spent and REJECTED to dare try.<P>There are triggers every minute, even when I sleep, I get nightmares of the A on a nightly basis. It has dwindled down to a few times a month.<P>I think your patience is required to help your wife recover. <P>For myself, seeing WS turning more sincerely to God is a redeeming factor. We attend bible study classes and other church activities, and that makes me feel that he is truly trying to salvage the marriage. Prior to this, he was attending church but he wasn't really 'into God'. Thinking back, he liked church because of the hymns (he said that often).<P>I needed to see a total transformation of WS. I told him that without him repenting and turning totally to Jesus, I would not consider it because he was just so worldly, and swayed by the opinions of and fear of other people. I know that may not mean the end of any As but at least I see an attempt to try and change. The triggers are awful and gutwrenching. But gradually, I try to focus on God and commit my H. Today he is travelling and I think of all possible unfaithful situations he can be in, and I say a prayer and have peace; peace that whatever happens, God will provide. I wasn't so distrustful pre-A.<P>I know you said that you and your wife are not really church-going. I don't go to church that regularly because of my baby. I believe, from others and my experiences, a total change of heart and commiting your marriage to God will resurrect the marriage.<P>Several weeks ago, I was at a healing ministry, all tortured and tormented and with no hope of feeling better. When my WS asked me to go forward to receive healing, I was very reluctant. My mother went up with us. The preacher who came from another church touched my mother's leg and healed her without knowing us or her predicament. When he came to me, I asked him to pray for my baby. He said no, I will pray for you as a family first, then the baby. (The day before, He laid hands on me and asked Jesus to heal me of my emotional trauma.) AT this session, he touched both WS and I and said "a sword has been driven into this marriage, killing it, etc...) He said it can only recover if we make God the center of our lives and marriage. <P>Even as I hate the sight and thought of my WS, and even as he hates the fact that I don't love him anymore and I am staying because of my love of my baby, we managed to stick together. In our hearts, we believe that God is sovereign, and our walk here is but a wink, so we slowly try to get back some respect in the marriage everyday.<P>I hope your wife has been coached to forgive - if not you can get her the book "Forgive and forget - healing the hurts you do not deserve" by Lewis B. Smedes.<P>I am writing this although I doubt that you would want to think along these lines about commiting your marriage and yourself and spouse to God, I just want to because therein lies not only my sanity but my peace and hope. Even my spouse, the charlatan Christian (he puts it some other way but I can't remember), has been dealt a life-changing lesson and yes, even as he repented, God scooped him up and brought so many miracles into our lives (which I can't disclose here because they are tangible and I don't want the CB to read if she was lurking).<P>If you like, I will pray for you to know God in a more personal way.<P><BR>TAke care<BR>weep<P><BR>

Thanks to everyone who posted. I've been a little down lately, unable to work up a really good rhythm of "recovery", and it was just starting to take its toll this week. Not sure why now, in particular.<P>Persevering: Hang in there. I can't even imagine how difficult it would be to even HAVE kids and have to go through all of this at the same time, let alone to have extraordinary problems with your kids. That can drain the life out of even completely healthy marriages, let alone ones that are sort of fragile. "Exhausted" is a good word for how I feel. Everything just seems like work, seems hard, seems like a struggle. Don't be afraid to talk with your H about things, either. It's by not talking that troubles start to develop. The talks don't have to be confrontational, or even particularly deep, but keeping the lines of communication open is key. Good luck!<P>SKM: Thanks for your words, a lot of which rang true. I wasn't really expecting everything with my marriage to be "fine" immediately, and I do recognize (I didn't before) that marriage is a work in progress and will never really be "done." Especially when something as awful as A happens, that's brought home in a big way. <P>I guess I was just starting to tire a little. I'm tired of feeling bad about myself every day, of wondering if my W is still hurting, of crying suddenly, for no reason, of just plain THINKING about this every day. "Boo-hoo" everyone is likely thinking, and I don't blame them, it's just been going on for five months or so and it's still a struggle. We do have good moments together, enjoy each other's company, are spending a lot of time together, etc. But it never lasts for a long time. Always, within a few days, something will happen to bring us up short again, remind us of what happened to us. It's already better than it was immediately after I told my W about the A, but I want it to be better still, and that's going to take some time, and I'm not the most patient person. . . <P>Weep: No, I'm not a really religious person, and neither is my W. But I've never been so arrogant as to refuse when someone who IS a believer wanted to offer a prayer for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. It can only help. As for you other comments, I think the key word is "patience." Both of us just experienced a moment or two of getting tired this week, and it's sometimes hard to see beyond the weariness, to know that things can be better, if we can just hang on. Thanks very much for your thoughts, weep.