My husband is involved with another women. He was all set to move out on Nov. 1, but had second thoughts (legitimate, I think) and is still here. He read "Surviving an Affair" in the past week and has been much struck by it. He agrees that if he could make the commitment to give up the other woman and follow Dr. Harley's rules for recovery he thinks our marriage could recover. He has come to understand from reading the book that when he tried to give her up before (before I knew anything about it) that it didn't work because she continued to work for him as his secretary every day. He agrees that this is unfair to me and that he has not really tried at making our marriage work. But with all this said, he says he feels irrestibly drawn to the other woman and that he can't give her up and make the commitment to try to rebuild our marriage using the rules. He says that he doesn't think Dr. Harley addresses the question of how the wayward spouse brings themselves to make the decision to give up the lover and recommit to the marriage. He is still wrestling with this question. Any suggestions on what I can tell him?

For the wayward spouse to make the decision to have no contact with the OP & recommit. There are as many variations as people, but it's pretty basic:<BR>1. Just do it. "trying to decide" is pure misery for everyone involved.<BR>2. Decide to be a person of honor & integrity who keeps the commitments & vows made.<BR>3. If he can't fire her or transfer her & she continues to work with him everyday, the chances of the affair ending, and staying ended are not good. My H has work contact at least once a month with his OW and he's managing it...but they resumed their affair many times after he or she said "no contact". Your H would have to stop the personal conversations, email, phone calls, coffees, lunches, whatever else the affair has included.<P>It's good that your H sees the possibility of your marriage recovering, and is willing to read on the subject. Counseling is also an excellent step.<P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

My H was also "struck" by the SAA book. I believe him reading it was a pivitol point for us. Once he realized the A could have happened with anyone (she was also the secretary)and understood that it wasn't so special after all, he ended it. There was a short transition period. But she was out of the office within a couple of weeks. She attempted contact several more times after that but he did not reply. He was lucky enought to be able to let her go. <P> Is it possible he could switch jobs or have her transferred to another department? It may not be easy for him but it sounds like he already knows what to do. He just has to do it and deal with his feelings away from the OW so that you can repair your marriage.<P>cleo

Exhausted, welcome to MB.<P>If you go to the Just Found out section, you'll find NSR's many links to good info.<P>My h started in the same place. It is a good place to start. He knew that what they had was not special or unique and that there was hope for regaining the 'in-loveness' in the marriage. My h was very much in-love with OW when he broke off all contact.<P>I don't know your situation: how long married, kids, etc. In this fog I don't think being a man of integrity means much. My h took a good hard look at what a long-term "thing" with her would be like. She was 21 and way below him intellectually. He would tire of being her teacher and her fawning. And he would one day realize he had lost his kids since he had NO relationship with them.<P>Based on this he decided to DO IT. It sounds hard, but in many ways it is harder to stay in limbo. He ended it decisively. There were no guarantees we would work out, he might have ended up with neither.<P>We have worked out, and one year past d-day (Oct 29) are doing very well. To him, she is a distant memory, an experience rather than a person. She has haunted my thoughts longer though I never saw her face.<P>Harley's stuff works. That's a big step that you both are reading. But he has to take the leap. My h did that right, he confessed rather than being discovered and he ended it. He too had tried before I knew and it didn't work.<P>That is all I can think of to tell him. Some have made it despite not changing jobs, but it is much more difficult.

Welcome <B>Exhausted</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Coming out of the fog does take time...<BR>...I'd have to agree that MB counseling is a good way to go!<P>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>Maybe on the phone... the issue of "Dr. Harley NOT address(ing) the question of how the wayward spouse brings themselves to make the decision to give up the lover and recommit to the marriage. " can be resolved!<P> <P>Jim