<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

Dear OffOnOnOff:<P>Our spouses must be soulmates. This is exactly what my H proposed. Even to the "leaving when our S is grown and living alone"<P>Meanwhile he continues his EA, bemoaning that he can't even invite his BestFriend over to his own house. <P>We're in counseling, I don't see progress, just his attempt to forestall a divorce. I've been sleeping in the spare room again, my choice. I haven't been able to drop off to sleep in our bed because loneliness keeps me awake. Emotionally we're not married any more. A divorce would be a paperwork formality. <P>I'm still Plan A'ing, and don't see a legal divorce as so impossible after more than a year of this. I mean, for me. I'm getting restless and impatient. He still wants to maintain a facade.<P>Is that an answer to your question?<P>

It seems that i am headed in the same direction. The only thing that is keeping me at HIS HOUSE at this point is because we moved out of state a few months ago and I have no where to go. No friends here and I don't want to return to my home state with my tail between my legs, besides I like this area and don't want to up-root my kids again! I haven't been able to find a job that pays what I need to sustain a home of my own, so I am stuck financially. I was so worried about this situation happening if i agreed to move out of state and my worst nightmares have now come true. I don't have any answers, but I can't live like this just for the kids sake. They will see a broken women everytime their daddy walks through the door or leaves. I don't want to subject them to such a lonely and unhappy life. So i think i will have no choice but to either take him to court for money until i get myself situated or go back to my home state.

Nothing can be worse than being separated from your children. <P>When my H was home and in the affair, it was pretty awful for me - but it is a thousand times worse since he left. <P>How do you know she doesn't want to stay, but for whatever reason doesn't want to tell you that? See the post a few days ago, I think it was the one about why the H came home..

I posted on your other thread; <P>In short, dumb idea. Real dumb.

It's not a fun or ideal situation but it does give you a better chance to plan A. Try to use a WS behavior for yourself that will really help you out here, yep that’s right "selective hearing". Around my house I could easily taken one half of what WS said and tossed it out the window, especially the statements that had long term negative views. They have no clue what feelings the next week let alone the next many years will bring. Just ask them about their OP. They'll probably say something like "I didn’t see it coming and it just happened" <P>So try to translate al the stuff she saying into something like "I'm going to stick around here and see what else you are going to do to prove to me that I'm still loved". We all know that the 8-10 year thing is complete BS. Please understand that even though most rational folks can see this crud for what it is, the WS really believe what they are saying. Just try to pretend it's your children talking about Santa Clause, they really believe with all their heart even though they've never seen a reindeer fly and you don’t have a fireplace, they still believe. <BR>

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

OOOO,<BR>The risk you take is that you will wear out your welcome. If she is still in the affair everything you do will be compared to the fantasy.... you will lose... You could be the perfect husband, the perfect dad but it won't matter, her affection and admiration is with someone else right now. Quite frankly, if you stay you will do nothing but enable the affair.<BR>I suggest plan A for a given amount of time (6 months) then go to a complete plan B or at least separate with a separation agreement concerning the kids. <BR>I come to this conclusion because I did exactly that. I plan A'ed for 3 years doing everything I could to be perfect. It was a living hell and she just confirmed that she made the right choice in choosing another man. Not only that but my self image and self respect went right in the toilet. If you agree to this it just confirms she can do anything and get away with it, no ramifications.<BR>mkn

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

I have been "lurking" daily on this site for just over a year now, since my wife of 28 years reluctantly "came home" from an affair that rapidly fell apart. She was massively depressed for several months that the OM returned to his family and did not follow through on the promises he made to her to start a new life together. It was a classic "exit affair", the hardest kind to rebuild from, since my W had it in her mind to leave long before the culmination of the affair.<BR>Her goal was also to wait until the youngest child was graduated from highschool, then leave the marriage to start a life on her own. The affair inconveniently moved up her time frame. She was not receptive to any form of plan A, and remained "hardened" for the rest of the year.<BR>At one point I went to my pastor and told him I couldn't take it anymore, and wanted to kick her out. By then it had been 8 months living separate lives under the same roof. He said to me, you've made it 8 months, you can make it one more. That was in May. My son graduated in June and we had family pictures taken. The inlaws participated and it was a celebration. My wife had accomplished her goal of being a "good mom" to her son by staying in the home until his graduation. My son then went off to work at a fising lodge for the summer.<BR>On July 28 I came home to an empty house. It looked like a vacant show home. She moved everything out without notice in a well executed, in-law supported move, taking whatever she wanted and did not communicate with me for two weeks afterwards. When I finally found her, she said she didn't tell me what she had planned because she thought I might try to stop her. Duh!<BR>We are separated, and she has initiated divorce procedings.<BR>It was hard enough going through a few months of the same type of relationship that has been described on this post. Thankfully my son was going into his senior year in highschool so the end was in sight, but if you have a wife who wants to play the "at least I'm a good mother" routine until the kids graduate, there are two major problems at least. One is the kids know already what's going on and the tension in the home is unbearable for them. And two, your wife's true character "will go public" when she pulls the same "exit" that my wife planned so well.<BR>Today my kids love her because she is their mother, but they do not respect her and have chosen to live away from her, much to her surprise.<BR>The fantasy and the "fog" seems to cause the WS to keep making increasingly bad decisions and those kids they think they are staying for, may eventually abandon them.<BR>I am in no position to tell you what to do, or at what point your wife is in wanting to rebuild the marriage, but if she is talking about prolonging this type of relationship for eight more years (rather than 8 months like my case)I'd suggest a strong plan B to maintain your sanity. She's got you where she wants you and will play you like a fiddle for the next 8 years, and will still leave anyway. <BR>Like Kenny Rogers says, "You've got to know when to hold them, and when to fold them."<BR>My prayer for you is that if you want to rebuild your marriage, that God will first soften your wife's heart to forgive you, and to accept your (and His) forgiveness as well.<BR>

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

I wouldn’t live as roommates. I’d divorce her first of she was not willing to work on the marriage.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>My wife wants me to stay to help her raise the kids<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>But you want to leave without the kids?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

Yeah, we are together for the boys & not sure it is going to work or last much longer. Something happened this weekend that may blow everything out of the water, but then the damage to our sons will be great as they will see that it is their fault. I have been biting my tounge trying not to do any LB's.<P>I thought that moving to Asia would give us a chance to work things out, even if he didn't think this, I thought it would get OW out of the picture, didn't do that either. I have till the end of May, because I don't think my H will move the boys before then, but then who knows what a WS may do once the OP keeps the hook in them.<P>Would I keep this up yrs? I don't think so. Would I come again? I don't know. I moved to live together for the boys becuase I thought it was the best thing to do, & I knew I would always wonder about the what ifs. Would I recomnd this course to someone else, NO. If they no longer want to be your spouse, seperate, keep Plan A & don't file for D, let them do the dirty work but don't live together. I was happier when were not living together (he was there all the time) & working then I am now, in a country with no friends, & I can't tell my family & friends at home how bad things are, because I don't want them to worry. <P>Do I think we could ever be happy, yes, if he would just give up the OW but I don't think that will happen anymore.<BR>

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

OOOO,<P>Thanks for your reply. I needed that today. I am about to give up but I have been doing this for 18 mths. I will not leave here till the end of school unless forced to. <P>WS is in contact with OW, by HP (handphone); e-mail (I assume) & meet her in London (my favorite city) in Oct, plus he sends her money because her settlement is so small. <P>

I am so sorry--I think that I offended you with my brief post and I didn't mean to--what happened was that I started to write something (at work--on a busy terminal) and got called away to do something. But I am sorry.<P>And I am also thinking aloud from my own situation.<P>Oh, my story is sooooo long, I don't think that I could go back and review it, but as of late, my husband has asked me to come back and live with him. This was out of the blue, after I was awaiting separation papers from him.<P>The reason that he wants me back: the kid. This is the only reason. Granted, my husband is a good father--and the kid misses him. But I still maintain that the greatest gift you can give your kid is to love their other parent, and that isn't there. I would be a contract wife--a housekeeper. A governess. That is a job title, not a relationship--and I think that both of us deserve a relationship, not just him.<P>My husband is in the military, stationed overseas. When I found out about his girlfriend, I hung in there for five or six months, then came home to my parents. I was devestated. In the past months, I would have done anything to save our marriage, but I did love him more than anything. I tried to go back once. I offered to come back with our child a couple of times and just live with him--in order to make a go of the marriage,--and he said no. <P>So I got a job and an apartment here, and have made great adjustments. I am actually happy--life is hectic, I am not very well financially, and I am working myself to death, but for the first time in many years, there is no yelling and no crying, no criticism, fault-finding, name-calling and temper trantrums. Sure, I am looking back and studying the situation sadly, wondering what, if anything, I could have done to save things. I don't know. But I feel peaceful.<P>So when he called and asked me back, of course, I was very happy, but when he told me repeatedly 'I don't see this as a solution for the future,' that was a huge red sign to me.<P>What I see in the future, were I to live with my husband as a room mate:<P>1) I will make a great babysitter and housekeeper and he will come and go as he pleases<P>2) With an agreement that we are only room mates, we still carry the memory of being lovers and friends once, long ago, and will have to fight that. To not talk to each other? To not wonder where he is when he's out because it shouldn't matter? How miserable.<P>3) It will be lonely for both of us--I guess he has a cure for that and we all know who that is. As for myself, I will not date or see another man as long as I am married, sorry if I am a bit old fashioned--so what am I supposed to do? Play nun, I guess.<P>4) Once again, I will give up my job (not a big deal) my home (yes, this is a kind of a big deal to me, I am a domesticated girl) and my friends--were he interested in working on the marriage, I would do it in a heartbeat. However, he is not interested in working on the marriage.<P>If one thinks that this is a workable solution as a parenting plan and can easily cope--then I guess that it is not a dumb idea. I think that it is a miserable and impossible idea. If you are going to live together and maintain a marriage for the children--why not make it a happy marriage? Who wants to spend life miserable just for the kids? Your kids will not be kids for too long--someday they will be adults and see that you spent you marriage living together in silent resentment and anger--no happy and fun times filled with love and laughter. Kids deserve this.<P>

Okay--I'm back (I have to work sometimes)<P>Here is the dilemna, which is the focal point of the problem:<P>The kids--I love my little boy so much, and if I knew this arrangement would be the best for him, then I would do it. It would be hard, but I would do it. I know that I must place his happiness and well-being before my own, as I am the one who brought him into the world and I must see to it that he is raised well.<P>I can't take him away from his father, and I wouldn't prevent my husband from being a father to his son. But I could never give up this boy for a second. <P>I just can't decide--that's why I wanted to comment on your thread because this is the very same place I am at in my marriage--a truce of sorts. No more fighting, but then, no more loving, either. It just shouldn't be this way.<P>I am interested in the responses here.

Bernzini,<P>You & need to talk but just promised my son, he get on. Later

OOOO,<BR>We tried the living in the same house for the kids with one of our separations, #4, I think. For me it was worse than him actually being out of the house and living elsewhere. Yes, there is opportunity to Plan A, but you don't feel much like doing Plan A when your spouse says, "I'm going out. Don't ask where. I don't know when I'll be home." I thought my head would explode.<P>I also found myself sitting on the floor outside his room when he was home and in there. I missed him so much...and he was right there.<P>When living out of the house, I made it easy for him to see or talk to the kids everyday. And I didn't *know* when he was out. And if he was in my house, it was okay for me to talk to him. With the roommate thing, he wanted to keep a distance, both physical & verbal--it was very uncomfortable for me.<P>Still, we both thought living separate within the house was worth a try, but he moved back out within a week, two at the most.<p>[This message has been edited by Lor (Lor) (edited November 15, 2000).]