The only thing worse than raising children as a single parent is witnessing the OW keep their father from being a father to them, and discovering that appeasing her is more important to him than the welfare of his children. And there is NOTHING worse than having the children realize that their father HAS in fact emotionally abandoned them. And it happens far more often than not - the H moves in with the OW, and sure, the OW starts out being nice to the kids, but as time goes on she puts more and more pressure on him to spend less time with them, to be less involved with them, and eventually he will hardly see them at all. Unless the relationship with the OW ends, when WS fathers divorce their wives, they DO divorce their children, in the vast majority of cases.<P>I always thought divorce was horrible - but it is FAR, FAR worse than my worst imaginings. It never occurred to me that a man who was a devoted father could emotionally abandon his children. THERE IS NOTHING WORSE THAN HAVING YOUR CHILDREN LOSE A PARENT WHEN THE PARENT IS STILL ALIVE. NOTHING.

I guess I am in the same situation. Most days I want things to work with my husband and then I fall into a slump and just want to leave. Unfortunately I am not in a position to do so. We have a son and I am due in 3 weeks with our second child. I cannot possibly afford it at this time. I know the time will come because I don't feel that a couple should stay together just for the children. They will love you regardless. Children sense more then we think and I wouldn't want to have my children grow up seeing an unhappy mommy and daddy. They deserve so much more. I hope soon I will be able to move on. Right now, the only thing that saves me is my son is only 18 months. I often live for the day when I can leave. It shouldn't be drug out for years. You or your children don't deserve that. Haven't you put up with enough allready? It just isn't fair.

OOOO,<P>Knowing myself, I don't think I could handle it. But of course, I flunked Plan A.<P>I feel somewhat like Lor described. I am one that has a hard time with NOT expecting my H to behave as a H and father. I've tried the, just treat him as their father, in order to try to maintain my sanity re: marriage and living in the house together. But it bothered me to not be told where he was going, etc. <P>This eventually spilled over to my parenting because while I tried not to appear upset, I was seething inside, my patience w/kids was short, etc. My kids are very close to their Dad and I also did not like telling the kids "I don't know where your father is; I don't know when he'll be home" when they asked about him or waited up for him.<P>For my family, I think it would be much better for him to not live here than to play loving father/single husband.<P>God Bless,<BR>Enlightened<P>

When they say "Stay together for the kids. . ." heck, yeah! You must!<P>But that should come with a clause "Stay together for the kids and do what you can to put your marriage in order--grow together and fall in love again." You must do this too.<P>Staying together does not mean carrying on with lovers outside the marriage while leaving a spouse home to weep (did you ever that movie (Amy Tan) about the Chinese lady who is left home as her husband, while doting on their baby boy, openly flaunts his lovers in front of her?--I feel dumb--I can't think of the title right now but I remember feeling horrified watching the scene of her drowning the baby.)<P>Staying together does not mean sleeping in separate bedrooms, taking meals alone in front of the tv, working opposite shifts so that you conveniently never see each other, instituting confusing and opposing child-rearing methods, handling one's own money and sharing groceries out of the fridge like college dorm buddies. <P>I have talked to many people, adults, who discuss parents who lived this way together, and listening to them tell me about the guilt they felt extreme guilt at being "the only reason my parents weren't happy--because they couldn't get away from each other." One man told me that his parents finally divorced each other when he became an adult and moved out of the house--right on schedule, like clockwork. He said that it was light a weight lifted off his shoulders--he never felt happier for them.<P>I firmly believe staying together for the children. Families are forever, and children need their biological mother and father together.<P>But that mother and father must learn to forgive, tolerate, enjoy each other, work together and love together. That's all there is to it.<P>Oh, I remember now--The Joy Luck Club<P><p>[This message has been edited by Bernzini (edited November 15, 2000).]

Bernzini,<P>I agree w/the clause but I didn't get the impression that OOOO's wife was speaking of having a husband/wife relationship; just a parental (roommate)relationship. I think everything you said is true and w/o those husband/wife things, the "arrangement" could be very rocky.

That's just the point, I know that OOOO's wife wasn't talking about a husband/wife arrangement. Neither was my husband when he proposed that I live with him. All the reasons I give is why I think that living together as roomates is a bad idea.

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

I am staying with my husband not only for the kids, but because I helped put him through school, gave up my career to get his practice going and I feel like I should get to share in the rewards and not some blonde bimbo. Materialistic, maybe but going back to working my but off and sharing kids is not appealing either. I will never trust another man so why be single.

Bernzini,<P>I forgot that your original response was "bad idea" Only read 2nd page when I came back to this thread. Thanks for clarifying.<P>OOOO,<P>I agree that our unique situations will define what is "right" for each of us. Through my journey, I have become the head advocate of "never say never"! <P>God Bless,<BR>Enlightened <P>