Is it ok for the OW to be friends with your wife, even though everything is over ... and you are 100% sure nothing will start again???<BR>I have told this person I want NO contact what so ever with her...unfortunately I am friends with her husband (feeling really bad about this)...and what I did was totally wrong...I have confessed to GOD and I can now see that GOD tested me and I failed...I know I will NEVER do this again...<BR>my wife knows nothing of it...and I don't plan on telling her...I have apologized deeply to her though, telling her that what I have done in the last year was totally wrong, and I cannot forgive myself for some of the things I have done. I told her how sorry I was, and how much I have hurt her makes me feel very bad. That is where it is left.<BR>I cannot tell her...it would hurt to many families...I need to get on with my life and see that GOD has awakened me because I have not listened to him and strayed.

And what happens if two years from now somehow your wife finds out that her friend had an affair with you? That would hurt her so much to think that you had kept it from her and had allowed her to continue to falsely be friends with the slut. What kind of woman would even want to be friends with your wife after having an affair with you? That seems very deceptive and cruel. Stop taking the easy way out... tell your wife the truth... she deserves the truth.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I have apologized deeply to her though, telling her that what I have done in the last year was totally wrong, and I<BR>cannot forgive myself for some of the things I have done. I told her how sorry I was, and<BR>how much I have hurt her makes me feel very bad.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>If my H had said this to me, the first thing that would occur to me was that he'd had an affair, and I would have assumed it was physical. <P>

Mscum,<BR>I am hearing you when you post that you won't tell your wife...but let me add yet another thing. You will be tempted again. It's a given. The enemy had a foothold for awhile, and he'll come back to check to see if it is still there. In not telling your wife, you don't give her all the information available, and if you fall again, you gain another *chance* if she finds out about that, and not this. Convoluted, I know, but I've been there, so has my H. The temptation keeps coming and you have to be strong--no matter how disgusted you are right now, you will have weak moments in your future if you don't keep your mind & thoughts captive to Christ.<P>And, like Nellie says, an apology like you have already given, has opened your wife's suspicions. Maybe the two of you can manage healing your marriage without further explanations. <P>I wish you the best whatever your decision, even if I don't agree with your plan of action.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

I read your other post, and I understand how strong your resolve is to NOT tell your wife. This is coming from a good place in you, a place that does not want to hurt the woman you love.<P>Let me tell you about the best and worst night of my life. The night my H told me of his affair. I no longer had to feel like an idiot...believe me, we women KNOW when something is terribly wrong...and you will see over and over again on these boards how much more the lying hurt than the physical aspects of the affair.<P>When she finds out, and she will, she will remember that you exposed her to this woman after you were intimate with her. That will hurt deeply. We betrayed need to sort this out in our heads...and I mean sitting down with a calendar or day timer and going over every day...every lie. Every time you said you were going for a walk and were gone a little too long. Every time you offered to run to the store and got on your cell phone. Every time you were "working late" and not at the office when she tried to call you.<P>Upon discovery we can say "ah-ha"...so now I see...the puzzle is somehow solved, and that is a great relief. Yes, the pain is like no other...but at least we don't have to feel ridiculous anymore.<P>I know you're scared...this is the scariest thing ever. Probably even scarier than getting into the affair in the first place. But if you truly want to honor the woman you love, give her the gift of truth. No, things will never be the same, but they won't anyway.<P>I am a seperated woman. My H left two days after telling me the truth. Yes, this is a huge risk. I believe my H could not watch my pain, plus he thought if he was ever going to get out now was the time. I am telling you this because I want you to know there are risks to telling. I know you don't want her to leave. I am on the other side of this and did not really want my H to leave...but I am still glad I know all.<P>NOthing is worse than being looked at...straight in the eye...and being told lies. It's the most humiliating experience of my life.<P>Do what you need to do, but don't harm this woman any more than you have already.<P>allison

M,<BR>I don't know why your thread is getting to me so much, probably because my H lied to me for 8 months about his affair not existing. I spent that time WORRYING about him--his depression, not being himself, leaving me & the kids. And all it was was a floozy co-worker (well, not hardly *all*).<P>In your last 2 threads, you are being told the reality of betrayed spouses being lied to, there comes a point when the lies seem worse, more intentionally hurtful than the knowledge of the affair. In not telling your wife, you will lie to her in the future. "Honey, have you ever been involved with another woman while we've been married?" That question does come up when there are suspicions.<P>And, just the fact that you would let this woman socialize & be friends with your wife, and you consider yourself the OW's H's f *friend* without telling either of them, lets me know that your head isn't completely in the right place yet. If the 4 of you are together, 2 of you have a secret...and it isn't with your spouses...bad vibes all around.

Dear m,<P>Seeking God's direction:<BR>1 Kings 3:1-4<BR>Proverbs 2:1-6<BR>Romans 12:1-3<BR>Ephesians 5:15-17<BR>Colossians 1:9-14<BR>James 1:5-8<P>If you read the above, you would find that wisdom from the Lord is needed if you are very torn or even just uncertain what you should do.<P>My WS said that because he couldn't tell me after the witch threatened to inform me after that first drunken night, he continued to live under her blackmails for 2 years. It culminated in the witch landing in prison after kniving my WS in the flesh in public, causing my father's early demise, threatening all our families and friends, etc..<P>My WS allowed the witch to hold onto his Achilles Heel. You do have an Achilles Heel now because you fret about the OWH knowing, the OW telling your wife, etc.. I do understand how very 'messy' it would all get but it really is all dark and deceptive now. When it is not brought up to the light, it will fester in its own rot, and before you know it, it will take a hold on you or the OW again. Your wife can protect you if you let her. Pray for the timing, the wisdom, the correct situation, your wife's readiness and strength, courage, healing, forgiveness, mental and physical and spiritual well being, and pray to the Lord Jesus to prepare her heart and accept you and work with you on the marriage.<P><BR>May God help you as you seek His wisdom<P>Take care<BR>weep<P>