well after many months.... long into what i thot was recovery.... OM calls. Says he has been trying to reach me for months. Says he was here a couple of weeks ago. Says he still misses me. <P>i feel like an idiot. NO. i didn't hang up. I talked to him for over an hour.<P>i guess this puts me back out here. no more recovery for me. this really sucks. Back into confusion. like i needed help getting here. <P>just venting. no real answers for me here. the worst part is my husband knew it was going to happen.. no my number is not private, so it was easy to get. I did exactly the opposite of what i what supposed to do, i didnt' hang up, we talked. i feel horrid. i do not want to say anythign to H either. i just want to lay down and sleep. forever so i never have to work out this crap again. <P>ohwell...i drug myself into this...i will get me out of this.<P>mercy

Mercy,<P>It sounds like tonight would be a really good time to sit down with your husband and:<P>1. Tell him what happened<P>2. Make a concrete plan so that it's unlikely to happen again<P>Anything else is asking for even more pain.

Mercy,<P>Please listen to K as usual his points are well taken. However, I just have a thought or comment.<P>Your OM sure doesn't have much respect for your H does he? Really doesn't have much respect for you either does he? That is all I could think when I read your post.<P>This guy is really a taker. You were/are struggling but you had not contacted him. It must have been obvious to him that you did not want contact, but he did it anyway.<P>I do think you and your H need to talk. This is going to be rough, and your H's fears have been brought back to the surface, but running from them won't help either of you.<P>Mercy, talk with your H and be honest.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Mercy,<P>I know you feel rotten. You didn't initiate the call and that's good. The fact that you talked for a hour is not so good but you already admit to that. Tell your H. Don't let him find out on his own. Also you can block OM's number from calling your house or you can get caller ID and never answer another one of his calls again. You could also write a no contact letter. <P>Let this be over before it gets blown out of proportion. I bet your H will be more understanding if you tell him now.<P>cleo

Mercy,<BR>Not telling your H is just backsliding. You have to tell him. You wouldn't have put in all these months if you did not want marriage recovery. Telling probably won't go well, but you can't start keeping the secrets again or you really will be back in the mess. This is a pothole vs the 10 miles of bad road of resuming an affair.<P>I'm not certain how he does it, but my H checks the numbers of incoming & outgoing calls. If yours does, he's probably just waiting to see what you do. It isn't a *snooping* secret a BS likes to give out.<P>A couple days and it is likely your turmoil will settle back into managability.

Mercy,<P>I'm sorry things are not going well for you. I know that it is hard to fight for a marriage that sometimes (maybe most of the time) doesn't seem good enough to be worth the pain and suffering.<P>Okay, so this is a HUGE bump in the road. I'm working on one of those myself right now. NOTHING is insurmountable in this situation. You have no control over what your husband's reaction and choice will be, but YOU must take control of yourself and DO THE RIGHT THING. Tell your husband about the call. Please.<P>If firestorm had told me about the first call the OW made after they had ended the affair the first time I would not be in this horrible place right now. I would have been mad AT HER. I probably would have yelled at firestorm and cried my eyes out (again), but I would have been so happy for his honesty that I would have gotten over it and felt better for it. PLEASE TELL HIM THE TRUTH.<P>This advice is coming from the other side, but from someone who cares about you and wants you to survive this.<P>Peppermint

M_ercy -<P>Hey, it's not your fault that the OM called you. Just Learning was right - the OM just doesn't have much respect for your H and your decision not to contact him. The thing is, you don't have to start all over during this recovery thing - you just need to be honest with your H.<P>You know after my first no contact letter, and after two months of no contact, the OM called me. I didn't hang up on him, either. In fact, I continued to call him and email him, etc. . .I never told my H about the contact until a few weeks later. But, once we did, I didn't even have the guts to send a second no contact letter. I just didn't answer my phone for a week, and have been praying that the OM doesn't call and "gets the message." So, far, its been four more months of no contact. . .but there's bound to be a time when he calls me - or when I bump into him by coincidence. It's bound to happen, and I'm not really looking forward to it, but I think you kind of have to "go with the flow."<P>The important thing is not about the contact, but what you and your H decide to do about it. Of course ti would be great to decide to do another no contact letter, or to avoid him for the rest of eternity. . .but the main thing is how you deal with the issue of honesty with your H. I think you should be honest with him. . .he's going to know somethings "up" anyway if you just want to sleep all the time and avoid it.<P>Get it out there. . .Get it off your chest. Deal with it together, now, than five weeks from now when God only knows what will happen. You still have control over the situation, now. So, take advantage of that. <P>