So ... after over 6 weeks of not a peep out of my husband, and me not attempting to contact him in anyway, he has tried to reach me twice in the last four days.<P>Prior to this, I heard some things that I don't really feel free to share (sorry) from a couple of people I know - and one thing that I CAN share - that make me wonder if my Plan B type behavior is affecting him in some way. Don't want to jump to any conclusions - I think there are other forces at work here, too, such as the "two year rule," and the fact that the slug has her own wheels...<P>The thing I can share: My SIL told me a friend of hers said the following: "Gee, your brother's 'relationship' must be on the rocks." And went on to explain that every time she went in to the donut shop where slug works all she does it "***** about her boyfriend."<P>Quite the switch from "ohhh, we're soooo much in looooove" and "we're going to move to Florida together!"<P>What do you think will happen next? Will Terri call her husband back? Will husband call again tomorrow? Will slug accidentally spill salt on herself and shrivel away?<P>Tune in next time ...<P> <P>Seriously, I don't PLAN to call him back, and I don't PLAN to answer the phone when he calls again if I am home. However, this is a bit difficult now, since I haven't sent a true Plan B letter - if I don't at least answer the phone, is it possible he might believe that I've changed my mind? This is what is difficult when you have not done the OFFICIAL Plan B thing! You haven't explained that you will be happy to speak directly to him whenever he is ready to talk about working on the marriage! He doesn't know what the "rules" are ...<P>Opinions? I promise not to argue with all of them. I am truly confused and do not know which way to go with this at this point. <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

My bet is that slug spills the salt ... Great to have such a laugh to start my morning! Had a vision of what might happen to slug if you poured salt on it. Ughh gross!<P>Anyway, I think if you were to answer the phone the next time he calls and see what he has on his mind, this would give you an opportunity to send an official Plan B letter and then he would know the rules. <P>So, there's trouble in paradise? Ha! Slug deserves it! <BR>

Cloudy, thanks for the response. Yeah, it's an ugly thought, but if anyone spills the salt it is best for it to be slug, her-huge-dumb-and-slimy-self. <P>OK ... so one vote for at least picking up the phone when he calls again...<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Terri,<P>I think you should answer too. Like you said, he won't know the rules until you tell him. And I think you should tell him exactly what they are. Talk to him once, set the boundaries, stick to them.<P>If you're not the shoulder to cry on, trouble in paradise will quickly turn into full blown nuclear war.

Thanks, PamO. Nuclear war, huh? The idea sure has its merits! <P>That's 2 for answering the phone...<P>BTW, I was out most of the day today and he called again while I was out. That's 3 times in 6 days. Since I am actually not often home, what should I do? I probably won't be there to talk to him unless he tries me at work. At least at work I have voicemail, and he might have to leave me a message.<P>Do I call him back? Do I send him the Plan B letter in the mail? Do I play 20 Questions on the Infidelity GQ Forum? ::<P><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Hi Terri,<P>OK, here's my two cents. I think you should send him the official Plan B letter acknowledging that he's been trying to contact you (in a round about way) by apologizing for being "so busy" these days. Then, advise him on who he can contact should he want to arrange a meeting with you once "he's finished with the slug". That way, 1. he then knows the rules, and 2. he knows that you're moving on with your life, but 3. will consider discussing the matter if/when he resorts to #1. Oh, and you could include a small packet of salt with the letter!! LOL!

Sidney, that's an idea I hadn't thought of. I will definitely consider it. Of course, if I DO enclose the salt package, it will go right over his head ... since he has NO idea that is my "pet" name for her. LOL!!!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

What if you answered the phone and he begins to tell you about the hard time that they are having -or he misses you, or even asks how your life has been going and you simply come back with a quick verbal plan b notification? At least he will not think you are blowing him off and getting upset by it.

The problem, of course, is that he is calling while I am out of the house so far. So I haven't had the opportunity to answer the phone... yet.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

OK, here's a thought. Even though you are living apart, he's got to have some idea of what your schedule is, right? Perhaps he's purposely calling when he knows you probably won't be around to answer in hopes you'll see it on caller id and call him back.<P>Maybe he wants to talk to you, but just has no clue as to where to begin and is looking for you to get the ball rolling. Plus if you call back it will show him that there is some possibility.<P>Just early morning, not enough caffeine yet thoughts.

Hi terri!<P>My thoughts... yes, it’s been six weeks, but he doesn’t know the “rules” of Plan B... he may think you have moved on, and doesn’t know that you still are holding onto your love for him. I still think you should have a Plan B letter ready for him the next time you see him in person, and go ahead and answer the phone when he calls. It’s unclear to me whether he is leaving messages or whether you are seeing his number on your caller ID. Caller ID, I’d say don’t call back. If it’s a message... that’s kinda tough. He knows your schedule, so if he <B>really</B> wanted to get a hold of you, he could. He could be calling at off-hours so he can justify the “well, I tried” to himself while not really trying.<P>So I suppose since you gave him the “Pre-Plan B” letter, you could call him back and let him know the “rules” verbally. He’s already got the main points of your love, but not what it would take for you to take him back. If he wants to meet, you could give him the letter in person instead, maybe even saying you’ve had it for a while, but it didn’t seem appropriate to contact him just to give it to him. A little lie, I know, but you HAVE had it in your head for many months.<P>However it works out, make sure and let me know. I wouldn’t have known if not for your email, so make sure and keep in touch. Thoughts, prayers and fingers crossed you wind up with what you truly need to be happy! <P><P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

Hi Terri,<BR>I'm amazed at your restraint, in your shoes I know I would have called back--not that that would have been the right thing to do, but I would have.<P>It strikes me that he knows both where you live and where you work, he really can get in touch with you if he wants. <P>I think Sidney has a good idea. <P>I would either wait for his next call or contact, and then find out what he wants. If it is just to BS about stuff, go Plan B, you aren't his support staff and he no longer has the right to know the details of your life. <P>I have no doubt he misses you.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

I think when you do finally connect with him you need to prepare yourself. The last I read you had prepared some stuff for his attorney. I don't know if you did or did not send it. He could be trying to contact you in regards to this issue. So, I think you should prepare yourself with what you plan to say if that is the case.

With the exception of the salt, and the "implied threat" of moving on with your life, I'm with Sidney. Send the Plan B letter, acknowledge that he's tried to contact you, and let him know that he's free to do so once again AFTER slug has been salted and drowned in beer (stale beer---how fitting).<P>If you do end up talking with him, that's OK too. But I'd still move to an official plan B, so that there's no confusion on where you stand.<P>

<BR>I gotta go with K/Sidney. You didn't initially lay out the ground rules, so he really deserves *some* form of response. Calling him back resets the clock to zero, so you should avoid that. My vote is go with the letter.<P>Bystander

Thanks everybody. I only have a minute to respond, so won't be able to address your responses/suggestions.<P>I do, however, want to update you all on the latest. I figured he would call me from work tomorrow, but guess who showed up this afternoon to see me here at work? NO, not the IRS! NO, not Santa Claus!<P>Yup. My husband!<P>So. No mention was made about the lawyer, separation, divorce ... nor Plan B - nor was mention made of reconciliation or any such thing. More details later.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Thanks for the cliffhanger.....

Well, it's not much of a cliffhanger. Quite anticlimactic, actually... <P>He wanted to know if I would like his copies of Fortune Magazine after he is done reading them.<P>(HUH?)<P>And he asked me how work was, did I like the job, how were things going for me. Talked about how the guy at Oracle is going to be the richest man in America soon ... <P>I was confident, polite and nice. I was at work - almost "ambushed" you might say - not like I had time to prepare for a face to face. However, I think this has left me more confused than before. He knows that I don't want to be friends, so what is he DOING?<P>I will work on the official Plan B letter.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Terri,<P>This is just wonderful to hear...your story is really lifting my spirits. Magazine my butt...the man misses you. You'd think he could come up with something better than the magazine.<P>Isn't it funny how he wants to tell you about things...slug must not understand what an article in "Fortune" magazine is about. She probably thinks it's for lottery winners or something. <P>You are doing great...you are so strong. I would have been calling back in a heartbeat.<P>I name you the new "Queen (of plan)B"!<P>Hang in there hon...a lot of us are reading and keeping up with you.<P>allison

Hey! I SAID he knew where to find you if he wanted to make the effort. <P>Terri, I think one of the best things I did was let Guard make the effort for our last reconciliation. Being me, I didn't do it with deliberation, but my counselor had given me the advice that if my H wanted to be separated or divorced, treat him that way.<P>I'm really wondering if you hold the Plan B line at this point, that you don't want to be friends as long as he is with the slug, if it won't finally shed some light on your H's thinking.<P>Wishing you the best.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).