Folks<BR>For those of you who have been following my story my W has been involved with an OM for 18 months after our 13 yr marriage, we have a 12 yr old D. <P>She came home 5 months ago (2000 miles) to "make a go of our marriage" leaving the OM out west. Contact with the OM was broken for about 6 weeks before the affair was up and running again by phone and email. She has since visited him for 5 days a couple of weeks ago. She plans to leave me and get together with the OM for good early next year. The logistics of doing that are being worked by her and him but my W and I are still cohabitating and until now are getting along reasonable as can be expected. <P>NOW THIS IS THE PROBLEM!!<P>I have found out through various means that he intends coming over and visiting her at MY HOUSE whilst I am away at work (I work away 2 weeks at a time and leave in a couple of days). <P>This was a little more than I could stomach, so, after 18 months (12 since D day) I finally sent an email warning him of the consequences in no uncertain manner. I called him all the names under the sun including a "low down desperate f****** marriage wrecker" in the email and warned him of his intended visit, in the process saying I would pay a visit to him if I found out that he was in my house and "do what I should have done a long time ago". Do you think this is unreasonable of me?<P>Incidently I sent a CC of the email to my W. I know this is a big LB but I could not restrain myself as a mans home is his castle. <P>What do you all think as I am dreading the reaction from my W when she reads it? Even though I have been undertaking a stringent Plan A over the past 3 months I'm afraid this was a little more than I could bare.

You are setting boundaries and for that I think you are on the money.....<P>Maybe threats is not what you should have done...but I can understand your anger...<P>Seems to me that if he does come into your home while you are gone...A strong plan B is in order....<P>If she wants to leave...why is she waiting...For everthing to be right? When it becomes convient for THEM....NOT....<BR>Just tell her this is her choice and action + consequences and if she goes thru with this action...she she will reap the consequences...which is moving out NOW......<P>Maybe I'm reacting with anger here ...but I would be in a tizzy....<P>Do what you feel is right for you..but remember your actions also equal consequences...are you ready to accept having to ask her to leave...?<P>Hope I didn't confuse you more....

I agree with Tyra on this one- it's one thing for the A to be going on by phone, e-mail and her visiting him. It's an entirely different matter for him to come into your house. Just make sure you don't threaten anything that you can't follow through with.<P>Why is she waiting to leave? Are you ready for her to go? Just remember- this is really about you and your wife- not the other man. I am a strong believer in Plan A, but there have to be boundaries and she is overstepping them in this case. But, I also strongly believe that it is easy to blame the other person involved rather than the spouse. While he may be scum, remember that he wouldn't be able to visit her in your house without her consent.<P>I know how difficult this is, but stand your ground on this one. <p>[This message has been edited by Cloudy (edited November 12, 2000).]

I agree with the others. I'd be angry if I was going away 2 weeks and thought OM would be coming to stay at my house. I'd come back and throw him out. Emailing is a good thing, threats are not so good, but I can understand your anger. You should tell your wife again that absolutely NO is the answer to him coming. If she wants him that bad, she should move out right away.<P>You could always hire someone to watch that he isn't there. And if he is, let you know.<P>This is a tough one. Keep us posted on it. I'm going away this week for 4 days, and am a little concerned as well, but I think the OM thing is gradually fizzling away. I could be wrong. I too will be really upset if he enters my house, because I've prohibited that. It is a very sickening thing. Going elsewhere is sickening enough, but coming into your house is like rubbing it in.

Thanks you all so much for your support and advise, it really helps me so much.<P>Tyra<P>Plan B is certainly the next step. I think I will move out however instead of her. We have reached a financial settlement so all is set now for the OM to move in with her. She is slowly losing all her close friends as they see how much she has hurt our family. BTW the email turned out to be a LB and more justification of how much of a bad guy I was in her eyes.<P>Cloudy<BR>You are quite right my W is the one who would have let him come in. I have since discussed with her and she said that there was no way she would let him come in to our home when I was at work. With all the lies that have been told over the past 18 months who knows?<P>Rick <BR>Thanks for your support. I know it was a dumb thing to do but sometimes you need a release from your emotions. I needed to vent. My situation is almost a given in any case, I am resigned to the fact that I need to move on. My W has virtually made up her mind (if that is possible). BTW how are you coping with your new situation?<P>Regards<BR>Inlimbo<P>