For those of you that were wondering where I was, I've been here, but I haven't had much to say until now.....<P>There's a problem, a very big problem and it involves my son. He's almost 3 years old and I love him dearly, but his behavior is causing me much distress. <P>OK, I'll give you the background on my situation with my son: <P>When I had my son, I stayed home with him for 6 months. After that, I got a job and have been working ever since. Also, my husband's mother has been babysitting my son, but he's not the only one she babysits. She also babysits my crazy sister-in-law's three kids (yes, I said crazy because she's done some really messed up stuff since I've been here....). The problem that I have is that my sister-in-law's kids are pure brats (and I don't use this term lightly). Her kids disrespect her and her husband, they don't even call them "mom" or "dad" (they call my husband's parents "mom" and "dad"), they talk back to her, they throw some really horrible temper tantrums, they cry about every other minute when they don't get their way or if they can't have something they want.<P>Now, with that said, since my husband's mother is also babysitting my son along with these kids (brats), my son is picking up on their behavior and it's distressing me a great deal. I know the "terrible-two's", but it's not suppose to get worse and he's almost three years old. <P>OK, here's some of the behaviors that are distressing me:<P>1.) My son tells me "no" now and when I tell him to do something, he either says "NO!" or he shakes his head.<P>2.) He runs away from me when I'm talking to him. This usually happens when he's in trouble with something.<P>3.) He likes to drop and/or throw whatever's in his hands when I tell him "no".<P>4.) He jerks away from me and my husband when we try to disipline him.<P>5.) He goes on these outrageously LONG crying jags when he can't have something he wants and he won't stop (don't worry, I don't give in).<P>I know you guys are probably going to say that this is normal behavior, but even the people I go to church with is saying that he's spoiled. Keep in mind that I <B>DO NOT</B> spoil him, but his father and his grandparents (especially my husband's mother) spoil him rotten. It doesn't seem to matter that whatever I do to counter this behavior, it's a 3-on-1 situation. I could teach him to be respectful (he is, to a certain degree), but then when I leave him here when I go to work, everything that I've tried to teach him has been undone and I have to start over with the same stuff everyday.<P>Notice, I'm not placing the blame on my husband's mother because even if I did, somehow it wouldn't be her fault anyway. I'm angry because all the boundaries that I try to set are being undone.<P>My son is a very sweet, intelligent, little angel. He's grown for his age and he's very intelligent. But on the other hand, he sees all the other kids in that house getting what they want by their bratty behavior so he's picking up on it. I love him to pieces and I know it's not his fault, but it's his environment and the people he's around that's causing him to be like this.<P>I'm also not saying the other kids are horrible either. They actually quite nice, when they want to be. I've never had any problems with them.<P>They only way I can think that this started is with my crazy sister-in-law's first child. She used to tell me that she never hardly saw her son (she used to live here too, but they moved). She said my husband's parents would come in their room while they were asleep and take their son from them. She also told me that whenever her son cried and she tried to comfort him, my husband's mother would take him away from him.<P>I would like to say that I don't believe her, but unfortunately, many of the things she described happened to me also.<P>So, my question to all of you is what did I do wrong? I know I'm not a perfect mom and I'm young (21, but going on 22 on Saturday) and don't anything about raising a child since he is my first one. So, please, tell me what it is that I'm doing or have done wrong. I don't like being mad at my son for his behavior when I know it's not his fault. He's a good child and I had to have done something wrong. Suggestions/advice?<P>Miaka<P>PS I know many of you are going to say <B>move</B>, but as it stands, I still have some things to take care of before I do that. I just want some peace with my family (my husband and my son) before we leave instead of having chaos and then bringing it to our new place. Does anybody understand what I'm saying?<P>PSS I also feel like if I don't do something soon, my son is going to pull away from me because he sees me as the "bad" one and daddy and his grandparents are the "good" ones. I don't want to lose my son........<p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited November 12, 2000).]

Well, unfortunately, as terrible as the terrible two's can be, the tyrannical 3's can be even worse. <P>Yes, your son is picking up on the other children's behavior. Yes, it sounds like perhaps your mother-in-law is somewhat undermining your authority. In her defense, that's what Grandma's do. It just makes it worse because she has so much time with your son.<P>Yes, I would suggest move as quick as possible. I would also suggest putting him in daycare instead of having your motherinlaw watch him. Maybe even if you only did that on a part-time basis. But even if he is in day-care, he's going to pick up on other children's errant behaviors. <P>There needs to be better boundaries with your in-laws, and your husband needs to join you in creating and enforcing them.

In your current situation, there isn't much you can do.<P>This is a difficult age for kids, I don't think there is any two or three angel, but if he is in environment with little control and bad behavior to imitate, then your son's behavior probably presents worse because of his environment.<P>You can move. You can move and find your own daycare. You can stay in in-laws and find your own daycare (but I am sure that would bring on its own set of problems). But if you say were you are living and have your MIL watch son, then you are right, you are out gunned.<P>A couple of questions...do you pay her to watch your son?<P>When you are home, do you and your H and your son spend your time privately, or is the time spent with your H's family?

Yuki,<P>This is a very complex question. I am 39 and have a 5 and 3 year old. I got a much later start.<P>Young children primarily need an environment that is rich in love, positive reinforcemnt, in fact they have the same ENs we do for the most part.<P>Second, they need boundaries that are consistently applied.<P>Third, the "terrible twos" are a reality.<P>You have the difficult task of trying to sort out which of the three could be the "cause", or a bit of all.<P>I became a SAHM and left a good career, because for me, it was the only way to provide the loving environment. But you would have to look at your situation and see what you can do.<P>I USED to think that much of their misbehavior was from being "spoiled". It was the way I was taught.<P>This last year since our recovery has been really good and WE STARTED ENJOYING the kids more, their behavior has been much better. As I enjoy them more, I do a better job of meeting their needs and their Dad has come around in this area. Boundaries are also important, but we were pretty strict before and it wasn't working.<P>It is up to you, Yuki, to create the best possible environment that you can for him in your situation. This may mean moving out or finding other daytime care. My 3 year old goes to school with her brother. It is a preschool, not a daycare, she is learning a lot and is happy there.<P>

I'm 21 also, with a son fast approaching the Terrible Twos. He's an only child and first grandchild to both sets of grandparents, so he is very spoiled. I recently changed child care (saying it was due to my son's allergies), and I had a long discussion with my parents and my H about it. That child has everybody wrapped around his little finger and knows it. I've always heard that 4 to 5 is the hardest age (I know, I'm real reassuring! )<P>Moving is going to be best for you, I think. I would at least talk to your H about it in a non-confrontational way. If he understands, then maybe he can talk to your in-laws about it. Good luck!

<B>PamO:</B><P>Thanks for replying to me. I had no idea that there was a tyrannical 3, does that mean it's going to get worse? Oh man. I don't know if I'm stronger enough to take it. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Yes, it sounds like perhaps your mother-in-law is somewhat undermining your authority. In her defense, that's what Grandma's do. It just makes it worse because she has so much time with your son.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, she is undermining my authority because she actually <B>argues</B> with me about the way I care for and displine my son! It's amazing. I understand that all Grandmothers spoil their grandchildren, but I think this is a whole new level of spoiling. I mean, it's getting to the point that if I'm not looking, my son will try to run out the room to go downstairs with her. See what I mean? My child is slowing turning away from me and more towards her. <P>I'm trying to move as fast as I can, believe me, I've suffered enough living in this house for three years going on four and I'm <B>very</B> motivated about getting out of here!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Yes, I would suggest move as quick as possible. I would also suggest putting him in daycare instead of having your motherinlaw watch him.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Unfortunately, he would've been in a daycare from the day I first went back to work, but the last time I tried to get someone else to watch him, my husband's parents blackmailed me. My husband's father told my husband that if we didn't let her watch my son, they were going to kick us out on the street. That's why I can't win there. I'm better off moving out of the house <B>first</B> and then getting him into daycare because that way, they have nothing to hang over my head, or around my neck.<P>Unfortunately, my husband won't be joining me in boundary setting. See, he's a momma's boy and if his momma doesn't like how I raise my son, she'll relay it to my husband which in turn gets relayed to me by him. So, he's not for me, but he's actually against me saying that I'm too strict and stuff. See what I mean? I can't win unless I move, which I will do soon....<P>Thanks again for your advice. I will try to see if I can cut corners to try and get out of here faster.<P><B>FaithHopeLove:</B><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>In your current situation, there isn't much you can do.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Unfortunately, this is how I feel. It's like I'm standing here powerless and watching my son pull away from me and closer to her.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>You can stay in in-laws and find your own daycare (but I am sure that would bring on its own set of problems).</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>See my answer to PamO. Finding a daycare while living with them is out of the question.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>A couple of questions...do you pay her to watch your son?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, I do. She wouldn't <B>dare</B> watch anybody's kids, even if they're her own grandchildren, for free. In the past couple of months, I have been paying her directly (my husband used to use his money to pay her) so that she doesn't have anything negative to throw at me about watching him. I make sure the money is in her hand so she can't say anything.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>When you are home, do you and your H and your son spend your time privately, or is the time spent with your H's family?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes and no. Sometimes when I come home, the other kids want to come in a play with him. Other times my husband's dad wants to see him (even though he's here most of the time). So, I *try* to spend time with him without them, but it's hard because my husband always wants him to go downstairs.<P>Thanks FaithHopeLove for your advice.<P><B>schizzo</B>:<P>Thanks for replying to me. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Young children primarily need an environment that is rich in love, positive reinforcemnt, in fact they have the same ENs we do for the most part.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I understand this all too well. But I have a question for you: How is one to create a positive environment for their children if the environment isn't even good for the parents? I understand what you're saying, but it feels like I'm beating my head against the wall. Whatever I try to do for my son gets countered by my husband and his family when I'm not there. What should I do now?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I became a SAHM and left a good career, because for me, it was the only way to provide the loving environment. But you would have to look at your situation and see what you can do.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I was a SAHM for six months after I had my son. It was a horrible experience. Don't get me wrong, I love my son and it wasn't his fault at all. My husband was severely mean to me when I stayed home with my son. He wouldn't help me with him at all when he came home from work, let alone on weekends. So I had to care for my son 24/7 with no help. My mom used to come over here a couple of times before she moved and every time she came over, I would fall asleep. On top of that, my husband's mother would knock on the door every time she heard my son make a noise thru the floor. On top of that, my son was a colicky baby, he cried for well over 5 hours a day. On top of that, I had to cook, clean, and wash clothes. So, I lost it one day and decided to go to work and I tried to take my son to another babysitter and that's when the blackmailing started.<P>Besides, if I became a SAHM, we would <B>never</B> move. My husband keeps telling me he wants to move, but how can someone that has everything and no responsibilites want to move? That means he would have to *think* and that's something he doesn't want to do because he's too busy *having his cake and eating it too*. See what I mean? The job he has now, he works at Best Buy, doesn't pay very much more than what I make and he's intent on staying there for the rest of his life. That's where all the teenagers work and that's where all his friends are.<P>I <B>have</B> to work or I'll never leave this hell. Thank you for your advice. I remember it, especially when I finally move. <P><B>Carolina Belle</B>:<P>Thanks for replying to me. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I'm 21 also, with a son fast approaching the Terrible Twos. He's an only child and first grandchild to both sets of grandparents, so he is very spoiled. I recently changed child care (saying it was due to my son's allergies), and I had a long discussion with my parents and my H about it. That child has everybody wrapped around his little finger and knows it. I've always heard that 4 to 5 is the hardest age (I know, I'm real reassuring! )<BR>Moving is going to be best for you, I think. I would at least talk to your H about it in a non-confrontational way. If he understands, then maybe he can talk to your in-laws about it. Good luck!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>So how do you deal with his behavior without going nuts? I'm not strong enough to keep hearing these constance temper tantrums along with my husband and his family trying to break me down.<P>My husband knows I want to move. He knows I'm miserable here. He knows I hate it here. He knows, but he doesn't care. I've tried being nice about it, I've tried writing it down, nothing seems to be working. I've stopped telling I want us to leave and I've started doing it myself. I figure it's the only way to get things done is to do it myself.<P>Thanks Carolina Belle. I appreciate it.<P>Thanks everybody. I was afraid that I did something horribly wrong being a mother and not really knowing anything. Thanks a lot. I appreciate it. <P><BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by yuki miaka:<P><B>So how do you deal with his behavior without going nuts? I'm not strong enough to keep hearing these constance temper tantrums along with my husband and his family trying to break me down.<P>My husband knows I want to move. He knows I'm miserable here. He knows I hate it here. He knows, but he doesn't care. I've tried being nice about it, I've tried writing it down, nothing seems to be working. I've stopped telling I want us to leave and I've started doing it myself. I figure it's the only way to get things done is to do it myself.<P>Thanks Carolina Belle. I appreciate it.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm a <B>very</B> direct person, so if I have a problem with something, I go right to the source. I never used to be a strong person, either - my self-esteem was extremely low, and I had no self-confidence. Well, 3 years of kickboxing and 2 years of wrestling certainly changed that! <P>You have to get to the point to where the opinions of others don't influence you. I know it's hard with your in-laws, so just channel everything that you have into getting out of there. With all due respect (once again, I apologize - like I said, I'm a very blunt person), if your H wants to be married, he needs to grow up and think for himself.<P>As far as disciplining your child - it is YOUR child! Discipline him however you see fit. You're a grown woman, and as long as you're not abusing him in any way, IT'S NONE OF YOUR IN-LAWS' BUSINESS! Your MIL sounds controlling - that's why I stress the fact that you need to get out of there. If your H isn't willing to help make it happen, DO IT YOURSELF!<P>If you're like me, a 21-year-old who married young and didn't go to college, the best entry-level jobs there are to get into are government jobs (City Halls, Courts, etc.), banks, and reception jobs with reputable companies. I started out answering phones at 18, and I've since gained accounting and word processing skills on-the-job that have landed me a decent paying job. It's something to look into if necessary. <P>Best of luck hon - I hope you get out of there soon.