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#893380 11/12/00 09:02 PM
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I would like the opinion of men on this possibility.<BR>My H said that he trusts me on every level. So when I asked him why it is then that he couldn't come to me during his recovery over his affair to tell me he was tempted to call, and instead gave in to temptation, resorted once again to lying and misleading me, he could not give a reason other than to say he really didn't know why. <P>He said that though there are some areas in which he excels, marital skills is not one of them. <P>Is this a major case of "duh" or what? I just find this so hard to believe. I mean, how hard can it really be that if you trust someone and you know there is something you shouldn't be doing and this person you trust will help you to not do it, then why would one choose to do it anyway knowing the risk involved if caught, knowing it's two steps back instead of one step forward. I just don't understand and am finding it hard to accept that anyone could be so out of touch with their feelings as my H is pretending to be.<P>The only answer I can come up with is that he is simply so selfish that he put his need to call before my need to feel safe and secure in this relationship. That is such an awful thing to say and it's a hard pill for me to have to swallow but I just can't come up with any other explanation. <P>...but then again, I'm not a man. And I do believe then men aka "martians" are indeed wired differently than women aka "venusians". And though we may still have some very basic and similar needs, how we both go about getting what we want and need may be two completely different paths. <P>I do hope some of you men here in the forum can enlighten me on this concept my H seems to believe in. He is beginning to remind me of those people we refer to as being really smart but having no common sense. ;-)<P>Thanks everyone!<P>

#893381 11/13/00 08:03 AM
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I'm going to guess that he was probably overpowered by his urge to call her, and he was embarassed about this weakness. Also, on a VERY basic intellectual level, he knew that if he told you how he was feeling, he'd actually have to deal with the problem. By not telling you, he avoided having to deal with the problem. Also, I'm sure he felt that telling you would hurt you, and he probably didn't want to do that either.<P>The fact is, he rationalized not telling you with all sorts of things that have NOTHING to do with the way he feels about you. They were simply justifications to let him "do what felt good."<BR><P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

#893382 11/13/00 10:02 AM
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Separated and Confused,<P>I may be the very clone of your husband! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] How many times have I done what you described!<P>Lone Star's answer is probably about as succinct and on-the-mark as any you will get.<P>Rockaway<p>[This message has been edited by rockaway (edited November 13, 2000).]

#893383 11/13/00 10:10 AM
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S & C,<BR>I'm not a guy, but I've heard what you are hearing. During our last separation, my H worked really hard to develop "marital skills" and truly, it was wonderful and definitely a part of how we have come back together.<P>However, I see that effort sliding back into *same old, same old*. And some of it feels like the bad old days. The REALLY bad old days. It is hard to develop new relationship skils, and it seems to be just as difficult to hang onto the gains without backsliding into the relationship grooves that existed before the affair, and were of the caliber that one of the people, if not both were somewhat disillusioned by the marriage.<P>Your H called the OW because he was thinking of himself, not you. He will be at a new level when he doesn't call because he realizes it will hurt you and he puts his own needs to *find out how she is doing* (or whatever his particular reason is) behind that.<P>If you aren't in counseling--and with a man!--I highly recommend it. We have a great counselor, and I can say things a million times, but my H understands it when it comes out of the counselor's mouth.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

#893384 11/13/00 10:41 AM
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S&C - based on what I've read on this forum from some of the gals, we guys do not have a monopoly on this type of thing. So, I think it's more of a individual issue rather than a gender difference.<P>WAT

#893385 11/13/00 04:45 PM
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Seperated, <BR>I too was once tempted to contact my ow. I was feeling really down about myself, and remembered how good she made me feel. I sent her an email to call me but a few hours later sent another saying it wasn't a good idea. I knew the consequences if I would of talked to her would of ruined my attempts at reconcilation. But at the time I just needed feel good about myself. I dont think your husband was being selfish, but if he is not in some sort of counseling he needs to be to get over those urges to call the ow. I know that how I realized that I didn't need to contact her. I hope this helps.

#893386 11/13/00 09:39 PM
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Thank you everyone for your input on this. Each of you made very good sense. I can't help but wonder if much of my problem is that even though this nonsense has been going on for years, it is still so hard for me to accept that he has become this "thing" of a human being. No offense to anyone intended it's just he has turned into someone that I don't know anymore and it really frightens me.<P>I keep hoping that there is some magical reason for why he did what he did and that with one swoop we can fix "it" and never spend another day on the path we are on. But you have all pointed out very clearly that it isn't going to work out that way. If only I could get that into my head. It's difficult but with your help, it will be easier. Thank you and if there are more thought to share, I appreciate it.


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