Separated and Confused,<P>Remember the first time you fell in love? You were physically and emotionally addicted to the object of your desire. That addicting emotion, whether it was just infatuation or the real thing, was one of the most powerful feelings you ever experienced, right? It made you do things you never thought you would do. All of your being is tied up in that one person and even your rational thought processes seem to go haywire because, as Freud said, if you pit emotion against reason, emotion will almost always overcome reason. Your husband may well be acting on emotions that overpower his reason. He will know rationally what he is doing is wrong, hurtful, immoral, disgusting, but that high, that in-love feeling he has for this OW is so addicting it sweeps reality away and he will do anything, say anything, to rationalize his behavior to himself and anyone else who will listen.<BR>He may also be very capable of compartmentalizing his emotions. I was/am pretty good at this. When I was with OW, I could totally focus on her and momentarily "forget" my wife and the reasons I should not be doing this. Then when I was with my wife, I could function on normal everyday tasks as if I was on autopilot, but my emotional love connection with my wife was gone, dead. To me, we were functional roomates. To her, I seemed distant, cold, uncaring, unemotional (unless angry!) At the same time I was percolating along happily knowing I had OW in my back pocket! Don't like what my wife is saying or doing? Who cares! I can go to OW and feel better real soon. I could almost totally separate into two different lives the two women in my life. It sounds crazy, but it's true.<BR>In another compartment in his mind, your husband may not want to lose you because of the great price of destroying your marriage, so he says he doesn't want the marriage to end! That high price may include loss of his comfortable castle, loss of reputation, loss of his children, loss of hard-earned income, loss of his everyday comfort zone. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.<BR>He can do what he is doing because he refuses to truly ponder and consider and FEEL the reality of the horror of the hurt, pain and suffering you are experiencing, even when he sees you writhing in pain. He hates himself for what he is doing to you, but the powerful emotions for his OW life overpowers the reality of the hurt he knows he is causing. I know it defies reason and common sense, but that is the power of addicting emotion.<BR>Does your husband love you? He may say he does, but actions speak louder than words. My bet is that his love for you is conditional and dependent upon his moment to moment feelings and that he is emotionally cut off from you at this stage.<BR>Emotional ties to another person can be as strong as the cables that support the Golden Gate bridge.<BR>I wrestle with this daily. I work with OW. I am trying to recapture the love I once had for my wife. I don't know if it is possible for me.<BR>I hope I have provided you the insight you need. It's an emotional thing, not a rational thing. You can't really understand it because it defies reason.<P>Rockaway <BR> <P>[This message has been edited by rockaway (edited November 14, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by rockaway (edited November 14, 2000).]
