Hey Ya'll.<P>I feel so blah! I'm starving for attention, love, something...I think my counselor was right, my H is not capable of meeting my emotional needs. Never has been and never will be. I think I put up a "resentment" wall between us years ago because he didn't meet those needs, though at the time I didn't know what I was doing and it just got worse and worse and eventually he ran off to someone else and I damn know for sure that she would have put up that same wall by now if they were together in the real world.<P>This marriage is exactly where it was pre-A. This time I don't think I will even bother to go through the motions of trying to hang on or pretend we are Ken and Barbie like I did for so many years, to protect him. He has lost so much respect from the community and his family.<P>I have realized one thing though... Tonight, I watched a tape I made of Dr. Phil on Oprah last week, and I need to focus on creating my own happiness. All this time I have wasted waiting on my H to make me happy. I need to do this myself. But, my problem with this is I don't know where to start. It's like I have a mental block...I mentally need his love, support and approval of me before I can begin and I don't get that.<BR>All I get is badgering from him or his sanctimonius attitude.<P>I don't know, don't you get kind of confused when you read all these books and listen to tapes and watch relationship shows?<P>You kind of "get it" but then you have all these mixed emotions and you know in your heart what you need to do but just can't get beyond some issues that maybe you don't know of or don't want to face.<P>I think I have many unresolved issues from my childhood and adulthood... I can't think of any one in particular to work on though.<P>Sometimes I want to be noticed, complimented. I want to be held when I'm sad or feeling dejected, to be thanked for little things I do.<P>He can go for days without saying or doing anything that makes me feel good about our relationship or me and then expect me to jump in the bed with him and orgasm all over the place! Duh, that's not going to happen right now!!!<P>I need more, I need excitement, I need to feel like I'm somebody special... I am old, damn it I have paid my dues and I deserve for someone to tell me I have pretty legs ( that's about all that's left)...or pretty eyes.<P>Why can't I get back on track and take care of myself without his approval of me. It is the strangest thing, I was doing this while he was gone and now that he is back... I quit!!!<P>I don't know what happened to that spitfire girl of 30 plus years ago... where did she go? OMG, I have turned into a big lump of mush!!! I used to have it going on and now, I am afraid of my own shadow.<P>Do you think I need to let him go and out of my life? Is he what they call a toxic person to me? I am so confused, what should I do, where is the real me?<P>I need to open a can of whoop-[censored] on myself and get with the program! Times a wastin'.<BR>Any good motivators out there?<P>Cathy

You stop that lump of mush stuff!!!<P>I am not the girl that I was 15 years ago, either--I was little and cute--but then, I was also insecure, naive, and a real dork. I shudder to think back on some of the things I said and did!! I am glad that I am no longer her...true, those last 5 hard to loose pounds have long since turned into those last 20 hard to loose pounds, I am no longer a size five, but I think that I have better use of my brain cells these days. God must have really been watching me back then because he knew what kinds of trouble I COULD have gotten into. . .and thankfully, didn't. . .<P>You have to look at it that way--you MUST count your many blessings!<P>And YES!!! you do need to figure out what it is that will bring your happiness. You know now that you can't rely on your husband. He is clueless--hopefully, someday, he will wake up.<P>What is it that you like to do? Hobbies? A circle of special friends? Church? College classes? Pets? Nature? There is soooo much out there for you, and you can make time to enjoy it. Maybe you could sit down and make a list of the things that you could do to bring you happiness--for and by yourself, until the glorious day that your husband pulls his head out.<P>What I would suggest, if you feel physically inadequate (and don't we all sometimes) that you find some way to excercise. This is the most wonderful way to make yourself happy--it will make you feel as if you are doing something proactive to help yourself in all aspects of your life. It will not take much to start feeling better. A brisk walk around the highschool track, or in the park. . .a swim, or water aerobics, or maybe you have a video that you like to excercise to. This is just a suggestion, but it may very well change things for you.<P>If you believe in prayer, why not try talking to God for guidance? Pray for a change in your husband's heart, so that he might understand your needs. Pray for your children's father, for their sake. This may help as you sort your problems out in your mind as you pour out your feelings..<P>If you do not believe in prayer, a turn to a good friend. Someone that you can trust and who will stand by you. I hope that you have someone.<P>I know that you are feeling lonely, and it hurts. Just keep counting your blessings and remember that GOd put you on this earth for a good reason--he doesn't waste his efforts. And he does want you to be happy, too. We go through bad things, but it's for a good cause--to make us better. Keep trying to remember that, too. YOu will be happy someday, I promise!<P>Mary

Hi Cathy,<P> Hey there, I agree with Mary.....I'm in a situation much like yours and two things have made a huge difference....exercise and finding an outside interest. I lift weights and even though I'm 45 I'm in better shape than when I was 20.<BR> What do you enjoy? Take a class, find a group to meet for lunch , decorate your house....you don't need your H to raise your self esteem.....(it would be nice but like you , if anything I get more criticism than anything). <P> You need to tap into yourself and realize that just because you're getting older does not mean you are not valuable and attractive. Once you do this, I bet that he will look differently at you and if he doesn't it's HIS problem.......LU

Hi Cathy:<P>Well, "Prince Charming" turned out to be a toad, huh? Well, your mother told you not to kiss him. LOL <P>Seriously, this guy has probably always been clueless about other people's ENs. I know my H is. Maybe it's not their fault...it's just the way they are. No empathy for others....just for themselves. And they careen through life without taking in anything....they never stop to smell a rose...or to get lost in the expanse of the night sky...or to really feel a connection to anyone. What a sad...sad...way to live your life. <P>But you...you want to feel that connection...that closeness...that shared glory in each moment of time...but you've choosen a "toad" to share it with. What ever were you thinking????<P>Sometimes I just want to reach out and slap my H in the face and scream at him "This is your life...the only one you're ever going to have...and you're throwing it away...because you can't deal with it!!!"<P>But I know that won't work...so I try to lead him...to touch him by example...trying to open his eyes to what is really important in life. He's resistant...but he does learn. Maybe that's what your H needs too...teaching, not telling, with love and understanding of his shortcomings or inadequacies. At times it brings tears to my eyes to realize what a person can miss if they go through life without realing feeling or connecting with anyone or anything.<P>Won't you join me in helping our H become "Prince Charmings" instead of the "toads" they are today? They really need the help.<P>Angels and Prayers ~ Faye<BR><p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited November 14, 2000).]

Cathy-<BR>I don't want to be a codependency-thumper...but what you describe of yourself is what I live day to day. My therapist recommended a codependence anonymous(CoDa) meeting and a CoDa 12-step book to help me understand what it was and how I was damaging myself with low esteem; depending on others for my self worth. I think it contributed to much of my H's behavior-the way he responded to me(he is codependent too, but more so.) <P>Please backtrack some of the codependence stuff I have written here. One part of it was in the thread that talked about doing things for yourself by Resilient, I think. Finding something like that could help you too. It is making a real difference for me. I have been going to CoDa meetings for three months. It is also something to do for YOU! <P>I am thinking of you...<P>B

Dear Catplay:<P>I have never seen more beautiful eyes than yours! And the legs, well, the LEGS are to die for .....<P>You don't have to give up your H to get what you want!<P>At first, I thought like you're thinking now. That I would NEVER be okay if I had to sip my coffee across the table from that RAT that cheated on me .<P>But, I weighed my options--NOT just for me--but for my children as well.<P>And guess what? The BEST possible way for me to get WHAT I NEEDED was to stay in my marriage and *MOLD* it into WHAT I NEEDED IT TO BE.<P>Forget about the in-love feelings. Forget about needing anything from HIM.<P>Start taking where/when you can <and, yes, that probably sounds selfish--BUT WE ALL DO WHAT WE NEED TO DO TO GET PAST THIS!>.<P>What do you need Catplay? To feel better about YOU ????--how CAN YOU ACCOMPLISH THAT ON YOUR OWN?<P>You talked about working in a floral shop a few weeks back---did you get the job???? This could be a FIRST STEP---getting back into the WORLD. Doing a craft. Having others compliment you on your wonderful work. Realizing that you are talented, gifted and appreciated...by others.<P>Open your circle. The WORLD in huge. The possibilities are ENDLESS.<P>I have gone through SO MUCH change. Just last Friday, I was offered and ACCEPTED a fulltime position. For the last 16 years of my life (since my first child was born), I have worked only 15-20 hrs/wk doing consulting. I wasn't making very much money, but felt I was contributing to the family. Well, when my H had his A it totally threw me for a loop---I mean, OMG!--how was I going to do LIFE on my OWN????? Well, GUESS WHAT????? I am FREE!!!!!! I now have a job that PROTECTS ME AND MY CHILDREN. I AM SELF-SUFFICIENT. I AM A BREAD WINNER! I DON'T NEED MY H---at least not finacially, any longer. AND IT'S A VERY, VERY POWERFUL FEELING .<P>Of course, I'm not planning on taking off. Not at all. The benefits of staying in my marriage, still outweigh the negatives. I am finally in a position to FLY!<P>Play the game, Catplay! Benefit from what your H can contribute---even if it's only his $$$$ right now that's keeping you *rooted*. Add to what you have now---TAKE WHAT YOU WANT---GIVE YOURSELF WHAT YOU CAN GIVE.<P>Continue to be his friend. Continue to be his lover. Continue to treat him as you desire him to treat you. Continue to work on letting go of your resentment. Continue to HONOR what you deem *good* about him. Share his *goodness* with him--let him KNOW what you continue to love/admire about him.<P>But, at the same time--LEARN TO TAKE WHAT YOU NEED. DO FOR YOU, CATPLAY!<P>You'll soon realize that you're able to fly---with or without him.<P>Peace, ~Marie<P>------------------<BR>"If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars." ~unknown

Oh, my! Just what I needed to hear. <P>One hindrance to my "getting out into the world" more is living in a very small town (1700). No women's groups, not even a Bible study, no gym. I work in a small office (4 other people), in a private "cubicle." LET ME OUT! I need to be around people!<P>Thanks for listening. I needed to vent!<P>------------------<BR>"Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:7

Catplay,<P>My counsellor wrote down something and handed it to me yesterday. To me it was the most important part of the session.<P>It said LIE - that I need my h's love, support, care before I can begin to pursue my own healing/life.<P>It is a lie I am telling myself and believing. The next challenge he gave me is to replace it with truth. Still thinking on that one...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>It's like I have a mental block...I mentally need his love, support and approval of me before I can begin and I don't get that.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>EXACTLY how I feel, but it's a LIE. I can begin to pursue my life without his love, support and approval.<P><BR>

Hi Schizzo,<P> That is SO true and how I felt for a good bit of this mess....I think after 20 or so years together one is so intertwined and rely on the other's approval etc.<P> However, I have completely changed the way I feel and now feel that with H or without him I am OK and can enjoy life....it takes awhile to get there. I also feel "he may or may not stick around" but I can't worry about it ...<P> Catplay, get strong ....list your good qualities, you are worthwhile and probably have many talents that have been put on the back burner.......LU