lonesome heart,<P>Unfortunately, I think that therapist that told your MIL that her H was already gone was terribly wrong. When my H was home during the affair, I sometimes felt like I was living in a parallel universe, and it is true that he was occasionally hard to track down, but, most of the time, he WAS there. I was far from alone. When our daughter broke three bones, he was there to take care of the kids while I took her to the hospital. When the kids asked him to take them somewhere, to do anything for them, he was there. When I needed him to be there, he was. He was not quite as there for me emotionally, but even emotionally he wasn't completely gone. His number one way of showing love has always seemed to be "acts of service." Now he generally "can't" go to school conferences or back to school nights, "can't" go to medical evaluations for the children where his participation is critically important, "can't" see them more than he does even when the kids beg him to. Once a conflict avoider actually leaves for the OW, then she can keep him under her control, then he will be gone, gone from not only me but the children emotionally and physically, and there is nothing worse than that.

Nellie, I'd love so much to have the opportunity to quiz my MIL some more about the advice from her therapist years ago. Unfortunately, she is gone and so are both her first and second husbands. <P>To my knowledge, my H doesn't have an OW now or ever in our 13 year marriage. I feel betrayed in a much different way. I see more similarities between my H and his father than I like to admit. H may be here physically, but emotionally he's in another galaxy. Example: last time we had sex was 7 or 8 years ago. I'm a patient person. I thought things would get better. They're not. <P>Talking to my H about marriage concerns is very difficult. He'd rather pretend that everything's ok. Talking about our marriage or our financial situation is an LB. After reading Boundaries in Marriage I realize that I've carried his burdens for him and I've tried very hard to set them down. Seems like the result is a burden that sits unattended. <P>Here's another example. One of the biggest burdens has been a financial one. We have creditors who haven't been paid since June. I sought credit counselling, and the household expenses were separated from the debt expenses. Two weeks ago we had a reasonably civilized discussion about our finances. I told him, even if we file bankruptcy, we still have $2200 in household expenses every month to cover mortgage, food, gas, utilities, and taxes. I asked him, what percentage of that do you feel responsible for? He said 50%. That 50% is more than what he currently earns from a part-time job and "being an artist" (zero dollars in that department). His activities haven't changed. Based on example 1, I have no reason to believe that his activities will change. I've always accommodated him in the past. My choices now? I have trouble seeing my options. <P>To describe my marriage, I'd say it's an empty frame teetering on tilted pier blocks. It takes two to make a marriage work. I feel very alone in mine. I think my MIL felt the same way about my H's dad. I think she felt as isolated as I do now. <P>Nellie, based on the description of your H, I doubt you would have received the same advice my MIL received. What do you think your therapist would say about my marriage? It's probably more similar to my MIL's marriage than yours. I hope for Allison's sake that her H will be there for his kids if they break an arm or need a ride. I've followed her posts for a long time, and I'm not so sure that her husband is like yours either. Allison, if you're reading this, I hope sincerely that I'm wrong!<BR>

lonesome heart,<P>It is obvious that something is wrong if it has been 7 or 8 years! Are you sure he is not having an affair? What prompted me to ask one more time what was wrong the day my H announced he wanted a divorce was primarily the fact that he hadn't seemed interested in sex for almost a week. <P>Unfortunately, my H was not like my H before he left, if that makes any sense, or even for awhile after he left. Something happened when he brought the OW out in the open and filed for divorce a couple of days later - up until that point, when he was with the kids, he would read to them, hold the little ones on his lap, etc., but as soon as he filed that completely changed, and when he was with the kids he typically spent most of his time on the computer, paying little attention to them. I suspect he was doing his best to shut them out because it hurt to much to be a father to them and then leave.<P>I think he would want to be there if the kids were seriously injured or hospitalized, even now, but I don't know how I'd let him know in a timely fashion, since the OW would hang up on me if I called, so I wouldn't be able even to leave a message.