Sorry too long!!!<P><BR>Last weekend my taker was awake and trying not to LB I decided to have an OR talk with my H it becomes in a discussion and arrived to the point that H said to me that we "must" stay together because of our son (he refered the suffering of the children with divorced parents) he said that we have to sacrifice things in order to do that and that his sacrifice is to "give up" his desire to be happy again. He did this because i said to him "OK you say you don't love me anymore and you are unhappy and that the only way for you to forget your unhappiness is working 18 hours a day and that i have to accept that if i want us together. Well it is a high price to pay, so why don't you look forward your happiness i love you and i always be here for you. But please be consistent with what you feel and find your happiness" He said that he assumed a commitment when we got married and we have obligations (our son, our mortgage, etc), he had the nerve to mention what Pope John Paul II has said about the sacrifice that marriages do in order to rise children together (he is atheist and only mention this kind of stuff when he wants to convince me to do something - manipulation), but i was really hurt and angry and told him "OK, i will stay with you in such conditions but i will make you pay everyday of pain i had and will have until dead do us appart" Then he said " All i am asking you is have separate lives (each one does what want to do without considering the other desires, the only thing that is restricted is having an affair)and live in peace like roommates (until now that's the way we are living)and rise our son together. This was the end of the discussion i refused to continue with it b/c i was so angry that i could say something i will regret later.<BR>At night he came to me and said "forgive me for making you suffer, you don't deserve to be so sad. It is all my fault, i come from a dysfunctional family - i am dysfuntional and i am so sorry that you didn't realize about that before we were married. I am doing the same i saw in my own family, i don't know how to live in a family" Then he hugged me.<P>It is always the same, he says he is sorry and i try again but each time i am feeling my love bank more drained. I don't like this marriage and worst i don't know how to make it work. I've been applying Plan A for about a year and that is why peace returned to my home but i still have EN that are not met so i want to tell him (maybe is better to write him a letter) my feelings i want to apply Dr. Dobson's Tough Love and tell him that i love him (at least in some way, that's why i'm still here) and when we got married we did it by free will and now we are together by free will it is not a prison sentence. He must decide if he wants a life alone or in our family, but he must decide very soon because i have a life to live. <BR>I really don't want to build another dysfunctional family, that's not on my plans i want a real family, i want us to be partners, share things (i know we have very different interest but if we try we can find something that enjoy the both of us), rise children (i want another but he doesn't, what a h***l).<P><BR>Please give me some input...

Hi Trapito:<P>It's apparent that you're H has lost his will to fight for this marriage...I don't know what the reason is but he has. And you can't force him to change his mind...you have to convince him that that is what "he" wants. Maybe that's possible...maybe it's not...only you can decide that.<P>I sense a lot of controlled anger on your part towards you H...that probably is the reason you have made so little progress in the last year. Your heart is not in it.<BR>Perhaps you're just going through the motions and he can sense that too. You really need to begin to let go of that anger ....and of him. Let go not for him but for you...you need to heal. <P>Anyway, you know what? He's still there...even if he is not trying...he's still hanging in there. Give him that...it's a place to start. So many of our Hs do not try to do the right thing...they only do what they think is right for them. Your job is to try and change his mind about the relationship while he's there...not to try and convince him he is wrong...but to lure him back to you through love and understanding. Which is it? Vinegar or Honey? I've tried both and believe me...honey works better and it's a lot sweeter.<P><BR>Angels and Prayers ~ Faye

Thanks for your reply Faye, and you are right he has lost his desire to make things work. I will follow your advice while he is living with me and will try to convince him that our love can come back.