I had a feeling about this when I saw that the divorce papers were never signed by ANYBODY. Well, my mother was kind enough to confirm that yes, my H is STILL f'n married to his first wife. Our marriage is null and void.<P>Here's the story - H and 1st W started dating (sleeping together) right out of high school. There's a loophole in the law in SC (from the olden days that's still never been taken off of the books) that if you "spend the night" with somebody of the opposite sex, you are common-law married (hell, I guess I'm a bigamist too then ) Well, 1st W milked it, and went so far as to take H's last name. H thought that she was psycho, and joined the military to get away from her. Well, she then tells him that she's pregnant. H is skeptical, and tells her he wants to see a Dr's confirmation. H, 1st W, and 1st W's grandfather all went to the Dr's office together (now, H had known and trusted her grandfather for years). 1st W and grandfather walk out of the office and confirm that she's pregnant. They immediately go to the courthouse and get married (March 1992).<P>H begins finding out from Dr's that he is unable to have kids. And 4 months down the road, she STILL is not showing one bit. The witch faked the pregnancy to marry H. She never had a cycle because she went on Depo Provera, and she stuck her finger down her throat to feign morning sickness. He "shipped out", and he kept cheating on her. She finally met another man, confessed the A to H, and he kicked her out (March 1993). She went to live with OM, whom she still currently lives with and has 4 kids by. They legally separated in 1997, even though they have seen each other 4 times in the past 7 years. They were both too lazy and financially strapped to complete the D process. (And yes, they slept together since that time in the "4" meeting they had together)<P>I knew about this going in, but the separation papers eased my anxiety (so I guess essentially I the OW.) Shoot, in the beginning of our relationship, I would later find out that I was one of TWO "serious" girlfriends, and at least 3-4 other sexual partners. I gag just thinking about it.<P>When we were making wedding plans back in April of 1999, I gave him more than enough $$$ to complete the divorce. The $$$ was spent, and he said that it had been "taken care of". Coincidentally, this was at the peak of his affair. I was out of town for two weeks, and the OW was practically living in my apartment with my 6 week old baby and H.<P>I am extremely angry and disappointed. Although I've been saying lately that I want a D, now it's not even that complicated! I don't know what to do anymore - shoot, I've been on the board for 6 mos, and I have no right - I'm not even married! I'm one of MANY other women in his life. Right now, I feel no better than those loser OW that you hear about.<P>I hope somebody's out there today. I really need help on this.

Hi Carolina,<P>Do not beat yourself up about being another OW. Did you ever get married? I am a bit fuzzy on that one. Maybe it would not hurt if you took some time to step back and really see what you want. What does he want? <P>Just to let you know Tony and I are not married. His affairs still hurt. The lies still hurt. It is still painful. We live together and we work as a team. Though people tell me marrige is different we still act as a unit. <P>Try and take one issue at a time and examine what you want, what you can live with, and what you can not live without. When I was knee deep in all this mess I found making lists (pros/cons) really helped. Talking to friends, and writting everything down. <P>Remember not everything has to be deicided at once.

CB:<P>Genuinely sorry to hear about this. I know it must have come as a shock and a surprise, to say the least, and on top of all the other crap you've been trying to deal with. My genuine sympathies to you. Just hang on, okay? You'll get through this, too, I'm sure of it.<P>As for what you should do, I have one word for you: Lawyer. Now. ESPECIALLY if leaving him is a possibility. I glanced through the South Carolina statute, and it does look like you're right -- as long as his divorce wasn't final, your marriage is void. It doesn't affect your child's rights as long as you went forward with the "marriage" in good faith, but it probably does affect your property rights (to the extent that he has any assets titled in his name, your right to alimony, etc.). There are also probably tax considerations (like whether you've been filing incorrectly, etc.)<P>I know that none of this is very comforting. Right now you're just feeling shocked and hurt and angry. But it might help, if only to take your mind off the hurt, to try to put your affairs in what order you can. You absolutely MUST talk to a lawyer about stuff and start taking steps to protect yourself and your assets. Take care, I wish you well.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Pahakissa1:<BR><B>Hi Carolina,<P>Do not beat yourself up about being another OW. Did you ever get married? I am a bit fuzzy on that one.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>Yes, H and I got "married" in Las Vegas on August 1, 1999 (2 weeks after the D was supposed to be finalized.)<P>I mean (once again, I know I'm going to sound like those horrible OW on this board), I feel like he's been my H for the better part of 2 years. The link to the 1st W is nothing more than a piece of paper. She's been living with another man for the past 7 years, and she has 4 kids with him. I look at this more as a legal technicality than an "affair." The thing that upsets me is that he never took care of it. As far as both of us are concerned, we are married. But the law doesn't see it that way. Bigamy is a Class C Felony (as my mother so kindly pointed out...repeatedly) - he could get into major trouble. I don't know what I want to do yet. I have to think.<p>[This message has been edited by Carolina Belle (edited November 14, 2000).]

<small>[ February 08, 2005, 01:21 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

CB, is your mom a lawyer? How does she know that the divorce was not final? Have you confronted your husband about this? I'm a little confused about how she knows so much about this.<P>Bottom line is this: Unless you were the cause of the break up of his marriage, you are NOT THE "OW" in any sense. AND, you got married! You made the commitment - YOU have not done anything wrong, you did what was right and believed with all your heart and soul that you were married. There is nothing wrong with anything you have done.<P>You have as much right to be here as anyone.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Dont blame yourself. My prayers are with you. What a mess though. Protect yourelf and that baby.

CB, I'm so sorry. <P>Your H has known this all the time? He must have known your marriage wasn't valid?<P>Get thee to a lawyer.

Dear CB,<BR>LAWYER and COUNSELING<P>Ask yourself some very hard questions cb....time to look within, time to re-evaluate the situation. What is the foundation of your marriage? Is it love and trust? <BR>I think everyone here would agree that marriage is sacred and we should do everything to keep it intact, but there is a point when we really have to step back and look inside. What do we really want and expect? What can we live with and what is just too much? Behonest and take an inventory not only of your marriage but of yourself.<BR>Find a counselor for yourself and find a lawyer.<BR>(((((hugs)))))

What a crock! I cannot beleive his gaul! He knew he was entering into a bigimous marriage and fraudently persuaded you into a marriage that was not legal. <P>Wash your hands of him and protect any rights you may have or your child might have. I know you love him, but this is beyond comprehension! I am truly sorry for your troubles...WOW!<P>I will pray for you...you just have not been married long enough for this kind of sh**! You poor thing!

Dear Mon Belle,<P>I am so very sorry to hear that your life is really very confusing now. I would have loved to be there to help you at such a difficult time as this, but do know that my prayers and moral support are with you right now.<P>There are so much on your young shoulders now but you need to calm down and see a good family lawyer to protect your child's and your rights. <P>I believe that you really need to stop calling yourself the OW because as Terri said, you were legally married and he was 'divorced' after he got the money to do so and told you so.<P>There are so many issues with your H, and that must be one of the last few straws left. Essentially, you need to 'stop living in sin' and stop your child being 'illegitimate' by ensuring that both legally and biblically, you have to put your house in order if your H is not up to the job.<P>Now that you are 'unmarried' or 'dismarried' by default, then you really have little option but to take some time to pray and re-evaluate as to when you are both ready to tie the knot. I am so sorry about this.<P>God bless and help you<BR>Love<BR>weep

Dear Mon belle,<P>You cannot think about protecting your H from a felony charge when it is already committed. Do you want to live with a bigamist your whole life? If you remarried someone, for eg, this will come up, I believe. You really need to correct the wrongs now before new laws come up that may even put greater penalties on such situations (?). Please see a lawyer, your H didn't protect you and the son with his deception, and as such would create a great deal of uncertainty in your future.<P>I am very sorry about this huge mess you have to mop up. Please think of yourself and your child and the future, not a man who can do whatever he wants. What was he thinking when he said he filed and didn't? Was he playing a joke or was it a fantasy of his to be a bigamist? Is he for real?<P>Please protect yourself. Calm down and take a break to pray and think.<P>Love<BR>weep

I want to briefly thank everybody for "being there" yesterday. I was feeling a little emotional . If I don't reply individually, it's not because I'm an ingrate, it's because I answered the question somewhere else.<P>Taxman: Actually, we're living in WA state now, but it's the same deal. This doesn't affect my son in any way (I printed out the RCW). <P>Sweetpea: Everything that was bought with inheritance money is in MY name. I talked to an attorney about that before we got married. If it was bought with inheritance money, in the event of a divorce (or WHATEVER), he can't touch it. The only thing that I bought for him that's in both of our names is his truck. I wouldn't take that from him anyway, for our son's sake. <P>Terri - My mother is the City Clerk, so she has access to Court Records. H did start the D process at the courthouse, but he never ran the advertisement in the local paper like he was supposed to (we would have to run an ad, because we have no idea where Dana (1st W) is to serve her.) Therefore, the D never went through.<P>I guess I'm the cause of their divorce, does that count? No, when I met H, he and Dana had been separated for 4 years and had 3 kids with another man she's been with since the separation.<P>Lor - I've since talked to him, and I don't want everybody to get the wrong idea here - I'm just as much to blame for this as he is. When the D was supposed to go through was during the height of his A. I should have taken the initiative to follow through with this instead of leaving it to my H.<P>You see (and I can honestly say this because I know him so well), he didn't understand the repurcussions of not following through with his divorce. She literally trapped him into marriage, first by using a ridiculous old South Carolina law, then by faking a pregnancy. He keeps saying that "as far as I'm concerned, I was never married to her. We were not married in a church, you are the only woman that I vowed to God that I would honor." - I kept screaming back, "IT DOESN'T MATTER - THE LAW STILL CONSIDERS YOU MARRIED TO HER!"<P>I'm not as angry over this as I should be after we talked about it - a part of me has known all along (I've just been in denial.) I've been hiding from the truth. He didn't do this with negative intentions, he just has a total lack of follow-through. Plain and simple. He was engaged to somebody else in the time period beween Dana and myself too! I'm still angry, but knowing the situation, this really changes nothing.<P>First and foremost, we are going to follow through with the filing. He spilled that his Christmas present to me was going to be a vow renewal (ha!) and an apology. I guess he's been working with my MIL to plan this (she knows about the A, but she does NOT know that he didn't take care of the D). We're still going to do that for her sake, but we'll have to wait until at least February before we can officially remarry. <P>The other long shot is that we called a friend of my H's in SC. He says that he ran into Dana, and that she said that she had finally married Kevin (OM). So she may have taken care of the divorce down there (although she is the only human being that I have ever met with less follow-through than my H. In that aspect, they were a perfect match.) We're going to do 1-800-US SEARCH to find her, so I'm crossing my fingers that I won't even have to worry about it.<P>So who knows. The only people that know we're not technically married are my mother, and our Payroll personnel at our jobs. And of course you guys. This doesn't change anything as far as our relationship - we're both still wearing our bands, and we both still consider ourselves married. It just won't be official until Feb.<P>Thanks again for the support yesterday.<P><BR>

Dear CB,<BR>"I should have taken the initiative to follow through with this instead of leaving it to my H."<BR>My dear.....it is not your responsibility!!! Please do not take this on in addition to everything else. You sounds as if you are blaming yourself for many things that are not your issue. THEY ARE HIS! Let him keep them and deal with them.<BR>You are not an OW, you are not a bigamist, you are not his mother, you are not his keeper, you are not responsbile to clean up after him.<BR>(((hugs)))<BR>

Dear Mon belle,<P>I agree wholeheartedly with cl.<P>You do not have to do all the work, and accept the responsibility for everything that is not right in the relationship, especially things he did before he met or married you.<P>I think you need to take a long hard look at the future and the roles you both intend to play and how that can be achievable. I don't want you to end up resentful one day when you can solve a lot of the issues now when all these are out in the open. Get a new blueprint.<P>There are two persons - two adults in a marriage. If he doesn't invest his time, efforts, energy, etc., in this, it will be very easy for him to walk away or take things for granted because he doesn't have much to lose and doesn't appreciate the amount of work that goes into making a marriage, family and warm home.<P>God bless you<BR>weep

Dear Belle,<P>Please do not disregard the advice to think long and hard about your future.<P>You may well need to do what I've had to do. I'm not doing it too well, either.<P>I have had to emotionally detach from my h. I'm still trying to meet his needs and allow him to meet mine, but I'm focusing on myself and healing and on my kids.<P>I'm doing it badly, though. Consciously or unconsciously, it again becomes all about him. His crisis at work, his being very late when I know the flight arrived on time...My counsellor said I must let him solve his own problems and stay out. In the case of the job, it is difficult as our livelihood depends on him.<P>I'm sharing about myself as I don't feel comfortable giving you advice. I now realize I'm co-dependent. I would go behind him, clean up, make excuses for him...<P>Your statement that YOU should have handled his divorce sounds like you too need to detach some.<P>You are very young and pretty and have the world before you. In many ways you would have a much easier time moving on without him than I would. I'm hitting 40 with two little ones.<P>We are here to support marriages, and I at least would still consider you married despite the legal difficulties, but I have never supported them at ANY COST. My h has totally changed his ways.<P>Why is your h with you? Your comment on the boat the other day made me wonder if it wasn't for the money, or is he having trouble growing up? He may be young, but he needs to step up to the plate and be a husband and father now!

CB,<P>I agree that the fault of not getting the divorce finalized lays with your H and his 1st W. My goodness, you said you paid for it, that in itself is going above and beyond.<P>I have learned through H's latest A that I am real codependent. I always thought that that was what other people were, I was just helpful and efficient. H has a misdemeanor battery charge against him stemming from his little psycho slut. DA won't drop charges even though she refuses to testify because she now knows filing a false police report will be breaking her probation and she'll go to jail. Anyway, he expected me to keep up with the goings on of the case with the attorney, schedule and reschedule appointments, etc. I flipped out. Finally managed to do what my C suggested and detached. He now understands that though I love him dearly, I'm not cleaning up this mess, he has to. I'll be behind him, and support him, but I won't tell him how to handle it or do it for him. It's harder for me than for him.<P>I think you need to stop blaming yourself!! You were not married to someone else, therefore the divorce was not your responsibility. You need to step back and let him take care of this BY HIMSELF. And if he doesn't, well that will speak volumes.

Oh no, codependent. Memories of Alateen are running through my head...But where do you draw the line between "support" and "codependency"?<P>When I say that I should have handled everything, yes, that is going too far. I shouldn't have let my H handle it <B>at that time.</B> I realize now that we should have waited on getting married. I gave him the money to handle the D at a time when he was <B>never</B> there for me. I had a brand-new baby, and he was in the peak of his "spree". Throughout my pregnancy and the first few months of my son's life, he would be out all night, getting pages all of the time, etc. It was my mistake to think that he would have handled the divorce. I didn't have 100% proof that he was having an A at that time, but I had a feeling. It was my mistake to get married at that time - I guess I figured that would solve all of our problems. The A ended 2 months before our marriage in August, but D-Day wasn't until November (today's my D-Day Anniversary).<P>I can say with relative certainty that he will handle this issue now. Our only hiccup was when I was away on my business trip in Dallas, which was easily solved (I take a position that does not require me to travel). He comes home straight after work (unless fishing, then he's with a mutual friend of ours and reachable by cell phone), we are joint with all finances (except my inheritance), and if he ever has to call somebody like Smurfette (lab partner), he tries to make sure I'm there, or at least tells me about it. We're not nearly where I would like us to be, but it's better than it was, believe me.<P>I know that our progress will be slow, and I know that I can't fix this marriage alone. I'm not one to keep things inside (believe me!) We have a beautiful child who's going to be 2 in March, we have a nice house, nice cars, and we love each other. That's enough of a reason for me to stick things out. His initiative is going to play a big part in our marriage also (right honey? I know you're reading this!) I had better be seeing some progress there! We'll see how that goes. But I will do a lot of thinking.

Where to draw the line between support and codependency? I'm still having some problems with that one. lol <P>For me it's been saying, I am 100% here for you emotionally, but I will not take responsibility for the things you do or don't do. And even more importantly, I won't let him blame me for his problems. <P>My H did the same thing through both of my pregnancies. Real problem with responsibility. And we also had a similar problem in that he didn't tell me he had been married before. His mother let it slip after the birth of our first child when I found out about A#1. He was divorced, but I still think it's something he should of at least mentioned in passing.<P>You're right, progress will be slow. My counselor keeps reminding me of that. I want things fixed yesterday, but I have to remember it took five years to get this bad, it'll take time to get better. And in all honesty, things are much better than after this amount of time after first affair. Things were great on the surface then, but nothing really changed, now we have real progress, and I don't think either of us will do any backsliding. Too much to lose now.

Pam - I like that concept. Although I have to admit, I kind of like being in the driver's seat of my family (have you ever seen the TV show <I>Friends</I>? Other than the housecleaning, I'm just like Monica ) But yes, this issue is his and his alone to resolve. And I won't put up with being blamed for anything either.<P>As far as the boat thing (this is actually replying to Schizzo) - he's not after me for the money for 2 reasons - #1) My inheritance came after us being together for a year. When we met, I was making $7 an hour as a temp receptionist. And #2) (A fact that his mother threw back in my face before she actually got to know me and like me) He's getting an 8 million dollar inheritance when he turns 30 from his late grandparents. Most people who know that about him accuse me of being a gold-digger! My only concern about that money is that our son can use it to go to college.<P>Back to you, Pam - what is it with men having stupid attacks when their wives/girlfriends get pregnant? I would love to have one more child, but if it means I would have to relive the heartache of the first time, I won't do it! My H said that he had the A because he was scared of marriage and fatherhood. I think it goes deeper than that, but I'm not likely to find out the true reasons in this lifetime.<P>Thanks Pam, and everybody, for the wise words. Back to Plan A I go.