I ended an 18 month relationship today. Actually God has been working in my heart to end it for several months but I did not have the courage or strength. I heard about Marriage Builders on Focus on the Family this week and am turning to you for encouragement. Talk about feeling alone. I read all the information on your site about infidelity but still need a little more encouragement. This wasn't just an affair. The person I was involved with and I both filed for divorce and were proceeding to make plans for our future together - that was until God finally said "ENOUGH". Now I know that I am heading in the right direction but it isn't easy. My family and my husbands family hate me. They even used that word - hate. I can't blame them for sure. But right now, I feel so frail and having people yell at me and call me stupid and selfish is more than I can bear. I am praying literally without ceasing. But I am hurt - sad - lonely - ashamed - disappointed - scared but mostly I know that I am forgiven. Can you offer me any words of encouragement?

Don't know if I can offer advice. I am on the other side of the fence here. The road you have chosen is hard, but you are in my prayers. Even if you stumble doesn't mean that you still can't do it. Remember Phil 4:13. YOU CAN DO ALL THINKGS THROUGHT CHRIST.

Forgiven - You have come to the right place. I am betrayed, but you will meet others that can relate directly to your feelings. Don't give up and congrats for finally taking the right step. I guarantee that you will find support here.<P>WAT

This site has helped out so many people. The concepts have helped many become better people, and it has this nice added side effect of sometimes saving marriages. You will get a lot of support here from both "Betrayed" and "Wayward" spouses, some with better situations, some with worse. But it is a wonderful support system with plans that can be difficult to follow, but often work.<P>I wasn't clear on something - are you and your H trying to work things out? I would assume so with the negativity coming from your family and in-laws. You are accepting responsibility for what you did - that takes a lot of courage. I admire you for that. <P>I would get the book "Surviving an Affair". It's a wonderful tool that can help restore lost feelings in a marriage. Study the website, and keep posting and learning. You can learn a lot from the experiences of other people. Plan A (see the website) would be a good idea if you're trying to rebuild your marriage. <P>Best of luck, and welcome.

Forgiven,<BR> You're already on the right path-talking and trusting in the Lord. It's God's will for families to stay together. Go to the Old Testament and read the story of David. He was a man after God's own heart yet he committed the same sin you did. God forgave him. In the Psalms you can find alot of what David was going through and how he praised the Lord through his recovery. All is not lost, have faith. It takes time to heal wounds. Show your family that you are truly sorry, have repented and your character is stronger for it. Keep in prayer.

You have a long, tortured journey ahead of you. Then again, I am sure the one behind you has been tortured as well. <P>I am a female WS and have had no contact with the OM for 3 1/2 months now. We had an extremely intense EA culminating in a brief PA. It has been a long 3 1/2 months. Really crappy. Ran the full gamut of feelings. Things are starting to get better. I can expand later I suppose.<P>Initially, I was so concerned with what everyone else thought of me, or would think of me if they knew. But I came to a point where I just had to let up on myself. I made a mistake. I hurt people. The only thing I could do now was to show my true integrity by the way I accepted responsibility for what had happened and strove to find happiness within myself and my marriage, and without hurting other people. If the people around me, especially the one's who are supposed to love me unconditionally, were not ready to forgive me at that time, then so be it. That was not my most pressing problem at that time(it still isn't). What was my problem was taking care of myself (eating and sleeping and generally not hurting myself), working through my withdrawal from this OP and NOT CONTACTING him (!), trying to understand why the A happened, making sure I didn't alienate my H any more than I already had, and taking care of my children. In that order. Didn't worry about anything else. Those things pretty much took up all of my energy for about 2 months. Maybe more. When you are ready, you can bite off more to chew on. That is what I have only just recently started doing.<P>Don't worry about other people. I am still not really talking to my parents. And not because they don't love me and I don't love them. They just seem to have nothing productive to say to me right now, and there is no way that I can make them understand the situation. So I wait and hope that they see that I am not a monster by the course of action I have chosen and the work that I plan to put into my marriage. <P>Take good care of yourself, you need to get strong again. I am sure your H does, too. Try not to contact the OM, it is my firm belief that it will only make your journey harder. Oh, and savor the pain. Remember that you never want to be here again. I do that everyday.<P>Things will get better. I promise.<P>Strength and patience to you and your H.

Hi Forgiven,<P>I too am a WS. I applaud you in your choice to end the affair. You do have an uphill battle ahead. Be strong.<P>There is nothing you can do to change the immediate feelings of your H and your in-laws. In time, it won't be as intense.<P>First of all, I have to ask - how involved is your H's family in your marriage? Have they been too close for comfort? I am worried that they will end up making it more difficult for your H to heal from your actions. Perhaps it is time to talk to your H about being much more selective about the information you share about your marriage. Some things are nobody's business, but rest assured you'll get their dollar when you never even asked for their two cents. Sometimes a family can be supportive nad help heal, but "Hate" is not a healing kind of emotion.<P>Step back and away if you want to make progress.<P>About your H, I think it's time to sit down with him and discuss exactly what the two of you want to have happen here, if you have not already done so. Make a game plan that you can agree on and stick to it. Ask him if he truly wants you back and is willing to forgive you and willing to work with you on your marriage. Once you know you have his support, you can begin taking baby steps forward towards a more bearable place in your relationship together.<P>I'm afraid I cannot offer much if anything in the way of religious guidance, but as you have seen, others here are full of that. If praying is what is helping you get by, then keep it up. Pray WITH your H. It's an act you can do together - two minds focusing on the same goal is a powerful force.<P>And don't forget to keep posting here. There is lots of help and insight to be found at MB. <P>Khyra<p>[This message has been edited by Khyra (edited November 20, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Khyra:<BR><B>Hi Forgiven,<P>I too am a WS. I applaud you in your choice to end the affair. You do have an uphill battle ahead. Be strong.<P>There is nothing you can do to change the immediate feelings of your H and your in-laws. In time, it won't be as intense.<P>First of all, I have to ask - how involved is your H's family in your marriage? Have they been too close for comfort? I am worried that they will end up making it more difficult for your H to heal from your actions. Perhaps it is time to talk to your H about being much more selective about the information you share about your marriage. Some things are nobody's business, but rest assured you'll get their dollar when you never even asked for their two cents. Sometimes a family can be supportive nad help heal, but "Hate" is not a healing kind of emotion.<P>Step back and away if you want to make progress.<P>About your H, I think it's time to sit down with him and discuss exactly what the two of you want to have happen here, if you have not already done so. Make a game plan that you can agree on and stick to it. Ask him if he truly wants you back and is willing to forgive you and willing to work with you on your marriage. Once you know you have his support, you can begin taking baby steps forward towards a more bearable place in your relationship together.<P>I'm afraid I cannot offer much if anything in the way of religious guidance, but as you have seen, others here are full of that. If praying is what is helping you get by, then keep it up. Pray WITH your H. It's an act you can do together - two minds focusing on the same goal is a powerful force.<P>And don't forget to keep posting here. There is lots of help and insight to be found at MB. <P>Khyra<P>[This message has been edited by Khyra (edited November 20, 2000).]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Khyra:<BR> Thank you so much for the encouraging words. I feel like I am in an impossible situation this morning. My husband has said he forgives me but he has said little else in over two weeks. I've tried talking to him to no avail. He is extremely quiet by nature and not believe it or not he is even more quiet. I have always heard that silence is golden but now I am not so sure. I am not sure if you listen to gospel music but if you do maybe you have heard of the group "Sierra". They have a song out called "Change". It says, "Change the way I'm feelings - remind me who you are today." I have actually prayed that song more than I have sung it. It is surely my prayer today.<BR> Please keep me in your prayers. I am so alone.<P>

Justhere------ Your comment:<BR> "Savor the pain"<P><BR>Priceless!!!! WOW! I AM impressed. Such an important part of the recovery. So many run from the pain. Doing so slows the recovery. Like skipping steps in the grieving process.<P>The pain is healing...... savor it.<P>Justhere..... YOU are inspirational!<P><BR>Sincerely,<P>------------------<BR>~*~*Yesterday~*~*<BR>all my problems seemed so far away~*

Hi<BR>I know exactly how you feel as I am in the same position.<BR>I've got my courage together to break the current relationship and it will happen on 25/11. I have to wait this 4 days in order to give the kids a chance to finish their exams.<BR>I know that I am due for some high jumps and everything will be in turmoil for quite a while.<BR>My family think that the OW is the best thing since buttered toast and I'm bound to get a lot of flack from that side as well.<BR>In any case-my whole history isn't important here.<BR>I only want to say :<BR>I know what you are feeling, and I know the turmoil you are in, and I will pray for you !!!<P>DJ