To all BS<BR>Do you feel as though spouse is comparing you to OP in bed? How do you deal with it?

I honestly don't care anymore. I deal with it by ignoring it. I'm sure the newness wears off.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

No, I've never had that problem. I've had troubles making love to my H simply because I kept picturing him with her. I know that their relationship consisted of animal sex in my apartment and in my car (which is hopefully in a junkyward somewhere now!). <P>What made me not worry about comparing? It's over. You know, (most) everybody has wild, animal sex in the beginning of a relationship. My H and I did, also. My H had a panic attack about getting married, and slept with Goth Woman. The way I look at it is that <I>her</I> sh*t must not have been all that because he dumped her before I ever found out about her. <P>A week after D-Day, when he came to visit me at the Suite I was staying at (on his dime ), we truly had an epiphany. We made love there, and I knew - don't ask me how, but I could feel that what he and Gothie had like was a grain of sand compared to the Sahara Desert in comparison to us. I've never doubted it since. No, I can never give him the wild, newness that I gave him in the beginning and that the OW gave him, but I can (and do) give him my heart, intimacy, a love and bond that is still strong, and an open mind No cheap piece of @$$ can compare to that :

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

You mean people have sex? sorry did that sound bitter...<BR>mine H's was "just" an EA yet not once in 14 months...sad that I am counting.

Interestingly enough, after Dday I exploded sexually and boy oh boy - even when H was still in contact with OW and telling her he loved her - we were making love like crazy. I guess I needed to prove something to myself and to my H, that I was too good to give up? <BR>At any rate, our sex life is awesome now. We have tried many new things, and we're still exploring.<BR>Go figure.

Oh yes, in answer to your question - no I do not feel my H is comparing me to OW. I'm incomparable!!!

I did the go crazy for sex thing when I first found out too. I was like a dog peeing on a tree to mark my territory.<P>Then I had the imagining them together thing. That sucked real bad. <P>Once my H finally opened up and told me his feelings during and after the affair, I didn't have to even consider her in bed anymore. He got bored with the sex pretty quick and spent a good deal of time avoiding her, and not knowing how in the heck to end it and come home. He dropped her long before I ever found about. And I believe him completely when he says that even when he was with her he wanted me. Heck he'd come home afterwards and beg for it. If it had been that great he would have gotten a repeat from her.

Sometimes I do, but not every time. Our sex life has definitely picked up since D-Day for me (Kinda like Alberta, except she mostly initiates it. "Go figure").<P>She has told me that he was never as good as me and that her A was not really about sex. She said he never gave her the big "O".<P>Don't know if it's true or not. She may be just saying that to make me feel better, but I would like to think it's true.<P>Anyway, she wants to do it more often than before. Maybe it's her way of trying to make it up to me.<P>Go figure.<P>HD

I am so jealous! I have not had ANY since he slept with her the first time, May 1999.<P>But who's counting? <P>Boy he is missing the best desire I have had since we were dating, though!

Well, I got an offer just last night...which I had to politely refuse (we're separated)...and, yes, I often wondered if he was comparing us...but in time he told me she wasn't really that good...she just liked it alot...I quess that appeals to a man...a woman who can't get enough. Self-affirming, I suppose. Must have been something there though...he kept going back!!!!<P><BR>Angels & Prayers ~ Faye<P>

Sex, I think I remember what that is. April 1999, I know I had an e-mail telling me how good it was but he decided mid April to be faithful to her. I didn't know till July 1999. But he keeps telling me it is not about sex. So does OW, she says it is not about sex, & that a love so complete as theirs I couldn't understand. Makes me gag.

You know I have had sex with other men before I met my H and I don't compare him to them when we have sex, so why would he? <P>On the other hand, I know nothing about what they did together sexually - nor do I want to know - but I do sometimes wonder what was so special....but based on some of H's desires soon after the A - I think I can guess - seems like she must have had an oral fixation(probably her Mom took the pacifier away too soon ), and possibly liked sex using a different orifice if you know what I mean. Well, I have tried to satisfy the oral need but I'm not touching the other one...yuck! He seems happy with our sex life now - maybe too interested....sometimes a girl gets tired!<P>p.s. If you think he's thinking about OW how about thinking of someone else yourself? An old boyfriend, the cute guy at the grocery store - or a celebrity....personally, I would lean toward Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck or Harrison Ford....just a thought!

OK, here's my 2 cents, for what it's worth.<P>My H and I continued to be intimate during my PAs. I see a recurring theme here with the 'marking one's territory' thing. I think he was doing the same. To be brutally honest, Yes, I personally had a few flashes of memories while H and I were intimate. They were, for the most part, neutral subjective thoughts. <P>BUT...<P>Neither of the men measured up to my H in any way, shape or form. I always felt empty in my heart. And sick. Very sick inside. I missed the warmth and skill my H possesses. <P>So, there it is, my own truth. A long time ago, I stopped having those memories - and if I happen to think about them at any other time, they are NOT good thoughts that make me all happy inside. I recall nothing but regret, remorse, disgust, shame and barrenness.<P>On the flip side of this - my H once told me as we lay in bed together that there have been times when he became totally emotionally detatched from me during sex - thinking of me as if I were some little sl*t he picked up in a bar. Knowing him the way I do, I think he did it to save his own heart and to lash out against me silently. It worked. My heart felt like it was ripped out, still beating. I was devastated, crushed . But after telling me this, he did make love to me that night like he meant it, looking into my eyes, telling me he loved me.<P>He says he doesn't do that anymore. Guess I got just a speck of what I deserve, huh? Don't worry, I've been getting my doses here and there - what comes around does go around.<P>Khyra<p>[This message has been edited by Khyra (edited November 20, 2000).]