How long does it take for the triggers to stop? It seems like I can go for weeks and be doing really well, and then all of the sudden EVERYTHING is a trigger again.<P>What do you do when this happens??<P>I need help.....

Hurting,<P>It may feel like EVERYTHING, but it would help to identify them specifically, what is triggering you?<P>Not sure if they ever go away completely, but we can remove the sting. H came back from London Fri. I checked his arrival time and was not too happy when he was much later than he said and not answering his phone. This was a trigger since with OW #1, he would go straight from the airport to her house, before coming home. (Lied about flight arrival times.)

Hi Schizzo---how are you doing? Even though my post didn't sound like it, things have been going well here. H is finally exhibiting actions of wanting to work on our marriage. He filled out the EN Questionnaire, has said he will return to counseling, and is starting to make an attempt at meeting my needs, and is helping me meet his.<P>He has broken off the relationship with OW, but still is her supervisor, so can't completely break all communication. I also know that she still calls him once in awhile. I've tried to be very adimant that this must stop, but he says that she's letting go, and it will be stopping very soon (however, soon never seems to come).<P>As for triggers---clothes I don't recognize, songs on the radio, TV shows, if he doesn't call when he says he will, doesn't reply to my emails as soon as I think he should be, etc, etc. I am so frustrated because it seems as though when we got back from Disney, I have not been doing as well as I was prior to that. All of the sudden everything bothers me again, and I can't stand feeling like that. I overreact to everything, which causes us to go round and round in circles.<P>Maybe I need more medication, I don't know....I also just stopped nursing the baby, so maybe it's hormones, too. AARRGGHH!

Hormones don't help, that's for sure.<P>We too were doing really well for awhile, and then got really bogged down in the As and the fact he wasn't in-love with me. And this was after we were really making progress.<P>So maybe it is another stage. Jennifer H. helped pull us out of the rut by insisting we refocus our time together again on having fun together, and refocusing our thoughts individually when they drifted to the A.<P>They ALL want to let the OW down easy, but it doesn't work. If you counsel with one of the Harleys, they could make that clear to him. If he has to work with her, he could at least cut out all personal contact.<P>If he has any clothes or stuff she gave him, he should throw them out or burn them...

I do think the hormones are playing into it. My cycle is really messed up, but that's another long story (kind of embarrassing, too) <P>Anyway, did Jennifer give you any ways to refocus your attention away from the A? I'm sure that would help me immensely, I'm just not sure what to do (I sound like an idiot, I know!) <P>I know he's trying to cut out the contact, but she continues to call him. I say that's what caller id is for---don't pick up the phone! He didn't think that was very funny, unfortunately. The contact has cut down immensely, though, but it drives me crazy!<P>He has gotten rid of everything that I know of (and there was quite a bit) except one cashmere sweater that she bought him while she was in Ireland (isn't that special). He saw it on the shelf in the closet the other day and asked me what it was, so I don't think it's too important to him.....HMMM maybe a warm toasty fire in the fireplace would be a nice thing for tonight--does cashmere smell when it burns.......

Do you have cats?<BR>I promise you that cashmere would be wonderful for cleaning the litter box. <BR>Trust me ......it would do wonders for you too.<P>My H had a shirt that the OW made for him.<BR>It got "accidentally" ripped in the washer. So I tore it into pieces and used it to scoop the doo doo out of the litterbox. <BR>I still feel wonderful when thinking about it.<BR>Use your imagination. It can turn triggers into a humorous adventure.

No cats, but we do have a baby. I could always use it to line the Diaper Genie, or for that matter, use it instead of wet wipes next time he poops!!!

I'm with Wasstubborn on this one, have some destructive fun! The guy that picks up our trash got a whole new wardrobe one day and man was he smiling. Other wise I jumped on things and smashed other things.....its a great way to relieve tension. <P>As far as the triggers go, they s.l.o.w.l.y fade away. Give your thoughts to God the minute they start to invade, that is the only thing that helped me in the beginning.<BR>Truly, you do need to avoid alot of situations which cause triggers wherever possible until the hurt isn't so fresh. Recovery is a long haul and the triggers are a real bugger!<P>Blessings, Taj <BR><P>------------------<BR>"Perfect love casts out fear" I John 4:18

I know it's not the same, but our first baby died at birth, and there are all kinds of triggers that bring back that memory. It happened on my birthday in 1997. They have started to fade, but they can still be pretty emotional. It's obviously a different emotion, but it is still hard.<P>------------------<BR>Jim Lewis<BR><A HREF="http://frappydoo.com/forum" TARGET=_blank>FrappyDoo! Forums</A><BR><A HREF="http://marriedadults.com" TARGET=_blank>Married Adults.com</A>

Ouch, Jim, I couldn't imagine that pain...<P>Hurting, it helps to think about ANYTHING else. I have prayed, though it was mostly for fire from heaven on the OW (not quite forgiveness, huh?)<P>I thought about how much better he was being in the present and the future I wanted with him that I thought just might be attainable.<P>It helped me to tag along on his trips even with the kids (you may not be able to). There were times to just exist in the pain, but there were times I seemed to be entering a "loop", that's when I had to distract myself. I started to enjoy the kids more than I ever had and really focus on them.<P>We can only control ourselves. Have you sat down and explained to him how the contact makes you FEEL? You probably have, but you have the task to walk a fine line between not being totally bogged down in the A, yet expressing feelings, asking questions, etc when you need to. Those were not fun days, but we drew closer together.<P>It sounds like you are doing a great job. Hang in there, it will get much better.

My triggers seem to be involving my 15 month old. I hate it when he has to go with his dad to OW place. Cause I think she is crazy..... Latest H called me at 12.00 wed morning. He and OW got into a fight and he had to call 911 she scratched the **** out of him. She pulled the phone out of the wall but the call still went through if the cops didnt come God only knows what would have happened. This is the 3rd time the cops have been called. The first 2 times a still sent son over there I do not think I can do it agian. He had me come to airport on Wed before he left for his mtg in Vages and he gave me a bunch of his stuff. Of well im venting thanks for listening

They stop when you choose NOT to allow them to torment you any longer.<P>The mind is a powerful thing... but we all have the ability to *switch to a different channel* when we get stuck with a "re-run".<P>Peace, ~Marie<P>------------------<BR>"If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars." ~unknown

I dont know if they ever go away. They get lots better though. At first EVERYTHING was a trigger. The one thing I will probably never get over is hearing her name. It's not common, but the name of a popular TV character right now. I think that name will always be a knife in my heart.<P>I agree aobut the sweater, it neeeds to diapppear! H had a sweater that i know OW bought him. One day I looked at it tin the closet (he only wore it like twice) and decided it needed to go in the trash. He never noticed and if he did he sure didnt' ask! <P><BR>