Hi.....have done much research on infidelity however I am finding it difficult to located information on how to tell someone that you don't want to be with them anymore. You see I have been married for 18years and have 3 children. I was having affair for 9months which ended in April/00 only because his wife caught him. I knew that his wife was not going to stop until she found out who the other person was. Well I was right and she came to meet me. 6 months later she met my husband at his work. A little scary because she would have had to follow him in order to find out what shift and where he parked. He works for a company that employs over 2000 people. Anyhow now my husband knows and he confronted me early October/00. While he was confronting me he preceeded to rip a necklace of my neck and left marks on my neck along with a fat lip. All in front of my middle child who is 12. That night he said it was over and I should leave. The next day he wanted to work through things. I have a hard time going from leave to lets work it out. He met with a lawyer the day before to see about getting custody of the kids. Something I can't forget. The other mans wife continues to call my husband each week to see how things are going. I am very unsure of how he is going to react if I tell him that I no feelings left. He continually sends me cards, flowers, notes ect...my point is that he's about 18years too late. I would also like to mention that for the last 16years he has left the discipling of the children up to me. He can't EVER seem to make a decision. Any decision is made by myself. I even purchased the family van last year all by myself. Since I have been left to take care of the kids discipline in their eyes I am the ***** and he is mr wonderful. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.<P>Thanks Kate

Kate, I'm not really sure what you want us to tell you. We don't deal too much with advising people about ending marriages on this website.<P>Here's what I CAN tell you:<P>An affair was not the way to end your marriage - you should have ended the marriage first, and then you would have been free to see anyone your heart desired - provided the other person was also NOT married. So - that option is no longer open to you, so what do you do now? Well, here at Marriage Builders, we say: Get counseling. Read about MARRIAGE and DIVORCE - don't read any more about infidelity.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.smartmarriages.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.smartmarriages.com</A> <P>Go to this site - find the statistics from long term studies about the effects of divorce on families - find the statistics from long term studies regarding financial and health aspects of divorce.<P>And remember something very important here: You cheated on the man for whom you promised to forsak all others. He has a right to be devastated and angry. No, he has no right to hurt you - was he abusive throughout your marriage? If he has never been abusive before and has not been since, then his behavior when he found out about your affair is very likely an aberration.<P>Before you had the affair, how did you go about letting your husband know that you were unhappy in your marriage? Did you talk to him? Did you tell him what was bothering you? Did you seek counseling for yourself or for both of you? What did you do to make the MARRIAGE work?<P>Until you have experienced the hurt of finding out that the person you love most in the world has been unfaithful, you cannot imagine the pain of such a discovery. It is not an exaggeration to say that most of us would rather have had an arm cut off than to have had to suffer through what we have suffered through. Our moods swing from anger to hurt to devastation to self preservation to desperation in a horrible and unending random cycle.<P>I cannot offer you advice on how to tell your husband you do not want to be with him, because that is not what I am at Marriage Builders for. I am here to learn how to make my marriage WORK despite my husband's infidelity. You will find that is why most of us are here at this site: to learn to make our marriages WORK.<P>I hope you read more and open your eyes and heart to what it is you have done to your family and what you will continue to do to them if you don't make a true and concerted effort to make your marriage work.<P>Good luck.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Well, Kate, I think you've been researching the wrong subject. You've had an affair, you know how it works, you now know what the outcome of one is like. Now start doing some research on how to save your marriage. You have three children. You've been married for 18 years. If it was so bad, why in the heck did you stay for so long? <P>The way your husband is acting right now, absolutely normal. He's had a HUGE wake up call. He probably sees now things he should have been doing, and he's scrambling. Why don't you ask yourself what you may have done wrong in the marriage. I'm a BS, I know I did some things wrong in my marriage, but let me tell you, my husband wasn't winning any awards either. It takes two to make a marriage work, and quite frankly it takes those same two people to screw it up too. <P>Before you make any decisions about divorce, why don't you and your H get into counseling. I bet your H would jump at the chance right now. <P>If your H had done all the things, or even most of the things you had wanted, would you have cheated, would you want out now? The answer is probably no. So why not give it one more chance to get all those things you want? He's not a mind reader, let him know what you need, and then let him tell you what he needs. I can already tell you what your kids need, they need two parents at home in a happy loving intact marriage. Show them that even though a marriage isn't always a bowl of cherries, you can work through it and come out stronger. It will be one of the best things you will ever teach them.

Kate -<BR>This isn't called MarriageBuilders for nothing and maybe you came here because deep inside you want to rekindle the love in your marriage?? <BR>My H had a brief affair, and he said he had no feelings left either, but how could he have feelings for me when he was letting another woman fulfill all his needs and completely shutting me out and therefore not even allowing me the opportunity? <BR>An affair is NOT the way to end your marriage. It is hurtful,selfish,and cowardly,and I cannot begin to describe to you the hurt and pain and anguish it causes. My description of how I felt when my H's affair was revealed was that all at once my insides were sucked completely out of me leaving and empty shell. There are still days when it feels like there is a knife in my heart and I'm just waiting for someone to pull it out. Your H will act in ways you have never seen him act. You never gave him the chance to make your marriage work and you have betrayed him in the worst way possible. Be prepared.<BR>Work on your marriage first. Read books. Get counselling. If, in the end, your marriage does not continue then at least you can say you tried your best.<BR>Come to this site often, Kate. It will help too.<BR>God Bless.

Hi Kate:<P>The feelings that you express about your H are very similar to those heard everyday on this board....although it's usually from the BS repeating words from their WS. <P>Please realize that these feeling can be transitory...you may not feel this way forever...you have had a marriage shaking <BR>experience and it probably has clouded your feelings. You've been given some great advise so far...please take some time to reconsider your next move...18 years is a long time....a long time for things to get bad...it could a little while for things to get better even if you were willing to try.<P>You owe your H the opportunity to try and rebuilt if he is sincere in wanting to...and a sincere effort to work on the problems in the marriage would probably find fault on both sides. <P>We're not you, of course, but stay on the board a while and you'll see for yourself how painful an experience it can be for all sides and how hard it is to undue what's been done. It's not too late for you to undue what you've done....you still have a chance.<P>Angels and Prayers ~ Faye