I have been posting on planA/PlanB for some time and just recently on In Recovery. I will try and give you a quick overview of my situation and would really appreciate all the advice and wisdom and experience you can share with me.<P>Background. <P>D day was two years ago when the A had just begun. H and OW worked together on a very big project that involved some o/seas travel. We went through all the intital trauma - he said if I hadnt found out it would have ended quickly. She is 20-25 years his junior. He is late 50s. We have been married 15 yrs. 2nd time for both of us. Had a very happy wonderful loving sharing relationship up to about 6 months prior to the A. We were both under a lot of personal and professional pressure at the time. <P>Anyway, for 18 months we struggled with us. I believe he thought he had ended it several time - I once found a letter from her responding to one of his letters. We separated several times; I got counselling (and am currently working with Jennifer H> ) - he wont go to counselling or read. I cant recall how many times he has asked for "time and space" and/or told me he was no longer seeing her. They no longer work together. But always she reappeared. In July this year we got back together and went on a wonderful holiday. Two weeks later I discovered her photo in his brieface, a brochure for a vasectomy clinic, and that he had been phoning her whuile we were on holidays. I threw him out. Then I discovered Plan A and by mid August we started "dating" - more like going to dinner or a show with a good friend. By mid September he started coming home again - no discussion - we started doing a lot more things together - have had heaps of good times - no LBs. On the surface everything looks fine. Friends are delighted that we seem to be "working it out". About a month ago I asked where he was up to - answer was "nowhere" and that he is taking "each day as it comes". And, he is depositing all sorts of LUs on a day to day basis - but nothing very intimate and we certainly "never mention the war".<P>Current situation - We spend more time together at home and do some nice things together BUT (a) we sleep in separate room - I barely get a hug or a kiss except if I initiate it - and then I get a peck on the cheek (b) he is still in contact with OW - I certainly know about the weekly phone calls albeit short - but i dont know if he is seeing her; <P>So - I am getting to the date where I planned to move to Plan B - I have written about this in the Plan A/Plan B forum. I am not sure whether my motive is to try and make him "wake up" or to look after me. Sometimes I think it is worth persevereing with Plan A but I couldnt bear another "doubtful" and unhappy Christmas - maybe he is just going through withdrawal (prolonged!!) or maybe he is "having his cake and eating it too". Maybe I could write to him and put all my love and confusion before him and ask him to help me decide what to do ?????? (An aside - last might when we spoke on thephone - he is interstate - he sounded very sad and tired so I left him a voice mail that was kind and caring and loving - and havent heard from him all day - recently he has phoned-once or twice a day<P>This is already long and I am starting to ramble. I really appreciate the comments I have had from some of you on other forums - but I ask you all to please keep helping me unscramble my head. For now, I will go through another Plan A weekend but how long can/should I go on. Oh gosh I am tired of this !<P>R

*<p>[This message has been edited by Bernzini (edited November 17, 2000).]

Hi Rosebrook:<P>I don't know if I can be of any help to you, but I know that the reason you haven't gotten replies on this thread is because you are asking a question for we don't really have an answer. But I'll try the best I can.<P>Having been a this a long time (5 years) I recognize some of the things your H is doing. He wants it all...to recapture the youthful feelings with the younger woman and to have his marriage too. I tried to wait my H out at first and he was in and out of my house and on and off with OW...the last stint has been for seven months....and he would like to come back now, but he also wants to have someone on the side. That's not possible with me so at some time I will probably have to go to Plan B.<P>I think until they are faced with the lost of you and the marriage they will never give up what they've found on the outside. It feels too good to them. I know my H's problem is a self-esteem matter....he's using these women to make himself feel better. Don't wait around like I did...after you have Plan A'd a time that you feel is sufficient, then go ahead and go to Plan B...because it will be time. Otherwise this could go on forever...with you stuck in the middle.<P>Angels & Prayers ~ Faye

I totally agree with what Buffy said....my H tried to have his cake and eat it to for as long as I would conceivably allow it. Finally, I went to my lawyer and we drew up a separation agreement (we were separated anyway, just not "officially and legally") - he stalled and stalled and wouldn't sign - probably more for reasons of finances than his love for me.Finally after 3 months he came home and said he wanted to work it out....even after that though he saw his OW for another month before he ended it for good - I wasn't aware of that until much later. <P>I'm not saying to do anything drastic - but at least in my situation, it was the ONLY thing that worked.<P>I'm so sorry you are having to go through all of this. <P>Anne

Rosebrook -<P>I am a WS, and I am so sorry for all of the pain and confusion that you are going through right now. If your H is still in contact with the OW - I don't know that he is REALLY going through withdrawl - he's probably emotional still involved in the affair - if not physically involved. For recovery to really work, I believe your H has to have no contact with the OW - but he may not be willing to do that - if she is a co-worker.<P>My H and I have been in recovery for almost 8 months, and I can tell you I went through so much emotional upheaval - that I really felt like I was temporarily insane. The thing is, for me, I confided in my H about the affair, I told him that I wanted to try and make our marriage work, I asked for his forgiveness - because I was truly sorry for all the pain that I had caused him, and then I sent the no contact letter.<P>I think your H really is getting is cake and eating it too. H needs to come to some decisions - and they're not exactly easy to make, but he has to decide whether to end the affair or to end his marriage.<P>Several times on this site, I have read that when the BS feelings for the WS begin to change, that's when you go to Plan B. Plan B prepares you for surviving this without your H. Ultimately, I think Plan B - while you can still reconcile during Plan B - is designed to prepare you for the worst - that it won't work out. So, just be sure of your feelings for your H - you don't want to push him into the arms of the OW - but he definitely has to decide whether or not he even wants to try and make his marriage work.<P>For me, I always kind of knew I wanted to try and work things out, I knew that what I had done was horribly wrong, but I really didn't know for sure whether they would work out or not. I know you can't give ultimatiums, but in my opinion, if he is still in contact with the OW - even just as co-workers and nothing else - that may prolong withdrawl from the OW. I think Harley says that in his book. For me, the OM wasn't a co-worker (thank God) so I never had to even contemplate getting another job, but for me, I finally got my priorities straight. Right now, my H and my marriage is more important to me than any crummy job. So, there fore, if the OM was a co-worker - I think it would be too hard to "forget" my feelings for him and move through recovery. Ultimately, and this is just in my case - I think I would WANT to find another job - if I was truly committed to making my marriage work.<P>Since your H is still in contact with the OW, I think maybe he's just procrastinating - he's doesn't want to make these tough decisions right now. I guess only you know when it's time to go to Plan B, but just remember it will be really tough. You may want to talk to one of the Harleys before you take that step. Because, right now, even though your H is in a separate bedroom - at least he's still at home. Recovery will be even more difficult once he is out of the house. I know you know that.<P>I guess I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am that you're in this situation.