I know what you mean, nellie. I lurk most of the time, especially on this board. My situation is unlike any other I've seen on any of the forums. I was on the verge of pursuing an affair when I found this board. Fortunately, the good people here have shown me what a horrible idea that is. A married person should not have an affair under any circumstances. In many ways, I feel like my marriage is beyond repair, and unlike just about everyone here, I spend a lot of time thinking about how to disentangle myself from it. So why do I keep coming back? Because I'm such a far cry from the person I think I should be. I see the need for change, and yet I have such trouble taking action. I find a lot of inspiration by reading the posts here. If I had to describe what kind of forum I needed, I think it would be a "love must be tough" board. I just read Dobson's book by the same name, and I've been making so many mistakes for so long. I feel like I'm made out of jello and I need to toughen up! Easier said than done. Hang in there nellie.

Nellie:<P>The loving and sensitive responses you have received bowl me over. What a wonderful group of people to draw from.<P>I've been sitting here reading this thread and wondering how I would have been if my husband would not have come home. I know I would be much like you are because I believe as you do, and feel about my marriage the way you feel about yours. <P>I often wonder why I feel so deeply towards my husband and my marriage when we do not have six children together, in fact we have no children together. He fathered a child with the Other Woman two years ago next week over Thanksgiving, so I am coming up on extremely painful 'anniversary'.<P>We have been together for 22 years in March. And while our separation was only six weeks, they were the most painful and debilatating six weeks of my life. The past two years have been a 'tentative' recovery and my healing process has been retarded by bouts of his alcoholism and suicidal tendencies. <BR>The recovery is two steps forward and ten back on any given day. Just when I start to feel pretty good about us, he will shut down and blame me again for things I have no clue about or, like you, be confused as to what happened and why he feels so negatively towards me and wonder what on earth I could have done to inspire this insanity and hostility.<P>I knew that I cherished my marriage so much that I was constantly grateful for it and for him and worked diligently to always meet his needs. There was no excuse for his betrayal, so I refuse to accept resposibility for it.<P>I know we are supposed to examine what we did to cause the affair to occur, but, like you, I cannot find anything of any significance that would warrant the rejection, abandonment and betrayal we have or are going through. Unless, it is because we did too much, loved too much, gave too much...is that what we did? Did we give too much and therefore diminish the quality of our contirbutions? I thought that was what we were supposed to do...give 200%. Did I get it wrong?<P>Last week, my husband gave me flowers and 4 cards professing his love for me. It was wonderful. But, I felt he was doing this because I wanted him to fuss over me, not because he was compelled to do it because he was so crazy about me.<P>I need him to help me heal from the constant onslaught of negativity we fight every day, for my feelings of inadequacy and for my new feelings of disappointment of having what we built destroyed and tainted, for having to bear the supreme pain of having my beloved husband have a child with someone else while married to me, when I cannot conceive our own child. I have to deal with my rage that nothing will ever be the same and I will always feel a nagging feeling of doubt and be assaulted by 'triggers' that can send me spiraling back in time, reliving the pain. <P>Right after the cards and flowers, he went mute on me. He was angry with me. He was angry because outside circumstances prevented us from doing something he wanted to do, yet, he blamed me and punished me for it. It was all very weird, nothing made sense and it all sent me into 'panic mode' because these behaviors release in me a fear that he will do these things to me again because he is behaving like he did 'then'. "Then", when he rejected me and betrayed me and left me instantaneously without any warning and got immediately involved with someone else and hated me and blamed me. <BR>So, Nellie, when they come home, there are other issues constantly coming to the forefront. In fact, the moment the old behavior surfaces, I am immediately plunged into the past and the healing process takes a temporary nosedive. It's a constant struggle to get over the resentment and hurt that someone I loved so comopletely was capable of these horrors. He keeps telling me that it is his brain chemistry that caused him to go haywire, his drinking that dulled his sense of right and wrong. He tells me it wasn't me but acts like it is. So one never really knows for sure again. My husband is bipolar and probably narcisstic and given to rage. He completely comes unglued when he cannot have what he wants. It is very, very diffiuclt for him to not get what he wants, and if he doesn't get it, I am at fault. <P>I realize I haven't have had time to heal myself because he is so high-maintenance and has required his own healing for the past two years, so once again my needs take a back burner. They always have, in fact, I should have been the one to have the affair because his needs always came first, which brings us back to the question of "do we do too much for them?" and does the quality of our actions diminish because we do too much or do they not respect us enough because we are too predictable and they know we are here, eveer vigilant? Also, my husband is bipolar and I believe, narcisstic, which explains the blame game.<P>These are just thoughts I had this Sunday morning as I ruminate and lick my wounds and still stay focused on the marriage while my husband is mute and giving me the silent treatment for some imaginary wrong he thinks I have inflicted upon him. I have always been damned if I do, and damned if I don't. I suspect it is the same for you. <BR>Your pain is so raw, Nellie, my heart breaks for you, but I understand it. I don't know who is luckier, you or me...sometimes I find myself wishing he wouldn't have come home because the past two years have been so devastating and I feel used. I don't trust he came home because of me...I think he came home for other reasons and the love I thought he had for me is an illusion. I see the past two decades as an illusion as well. On 'good' days, I feel somewhat connected to him and believe he loves me, but now I know it wasn't anything like I once thought it was. I thought he was crazy about me only to find out he was just crazy.<P>Lor's analogy of the card game is brillant, absolutely brillant. She is also in recovery and now going through some other issues that have just surfaced as I am. Your husband coming home would just be the beginning of a long and arduous task of reparation. He would need so much outside counselling and probably huge doses of medication. My husband's thinking has improved dramatically with medication in the sense he no longer engages in destructive behavior and can see things more logically on a good day.<P>Maybe next year I will be able to ascertain if it was worth it or not. I am hoping we will recover and I am hoping you will have the chance to find out if you and your husband can. It is not so unusual for people to get divorced then see how worng they were and to reconcile. <P>When you say that your husband is so willing to let the OW take charge and dictate how his life will play out, it makes me think of when my husband was gone for those six weeks and remember what an intensely strong hold she had on him, how easy he was to manipulate and control and I thank God she lived 1800 miles away for if they had been in the same city, it could have played out for me as it has for you. I wonder if bipolar people are more easily swayed, Nellie. It sounds as if your husband is bipolar. I read your posts and wonder if your husband were diagnosed and given the correct medication if he would begin to see the realities instead of the illusions.<P>Catnip =^^=

Count me in on the "divorced against their will" crowd. I did everything I could to save my marriage but the divorce was final in October. I found it very sad going through the divorce that not one of my friends or family stood with me to fight for my marriage. They all just told me he was a jerk and time will take away the pain. My vow didn't stop just because my ex-husband filed some paperwork. <P>I would love to have my ex-husband show even a tiny bit of remorse and would work on our relationship if that door ever opened. But as of right now it is in God's hands, God has to work to soften my ex-husband's heart and I must move past the pain and let go.

Lonesome Heart,<P>I am glad you found this board.<P>I don't know that I believe that marriages are ever beyond repair. If two people love each other enough to marry, the foundation will remain forever.<P>catnip,<P>I just wrote a long reply that disappeared. I agree that my H is probably bipolar. In retrospect, I have seen episodes of depression in him about once ever ten years. Is it just a huge coincidence that the depression surfaced when he was about 29, 39, and 49, or does it have something to do with approaching the end of a decade? At almost 29, he left, but only for a few hours. At about 39, his coworkers started to complain that he was argumentative and angry, and he was terribly irritable at home as well. That problem disappeared as soon as he made the decision to change careers, but the depression seemed to resurface after he had to give up his new career. His affair started just before his 49th birthday. <P>Perhaps it is the bipolar illness that causes the susceptibility to influence. <P>I am so sorry that you have to deal also with the OC. I don't know what I would do if I had to deal with that or with alcoholism.<P>My H, too, gets angry at me when he is really angry at outside circumstances - even when he comes right out and admits that it is not my fault, he is angry at me. <P>Perhaps we do do too much for them. I made most of the decisions involving the kids, because trying to get an opinion out of him was like pulling teeth. <P>I don't know if my H would ever take medication, even if he realized that something was wrong. Prozac scares the heck out of him (and me) ever since someone who lived in our town brutally killed his wife and children while on Prozac, though of course that doesn't mean that Prozac caused it. <P>city girl,<P>I know what you mean about lack of support among friends and family. My sister actually claimed that my kids were "used to having him gone now" when she hadn't even seen the kids in about a year.

Nellie,<BR>I was writing a reply and got bumped off.Anyways just wanted to say to say I am sorry we are in this situation,but I am glad there is someone who understands(Internet OW.)<P> I know people who do not understand MB concepts think that I am crazy.So nice to talk to people who can relate.<BR> Take care,Bethn

alone,<P>I agree - I suspect my sister and my friends think I'm crazy not to just say good riddance. <P>I just read in Ann Landers about a couple who divorced after 47 years of marriage! Sometimes I think there should be a law making divorce impossible after many years of marriage.