Greetings All. This is my first post but I have been lurking around for a couple of months now and I have several questions.<P>I have a wayward spouse who is still seeing the om. We seem to be making good progress towards reconciliation in spite of the fact that she has not given him up completely yet. (She has tried several times but they seem to have an addictive attraction going on).<P>My question is that the closer we get to reconciliation the more things I find myself doing to sabotage it. I find that I am having more angry outbursts and that I am placing more conditions on the terms of the reconciliation. Is that normal?<P>Also, what are your thoughts on the following questions.<P>How do you know when you’re hanging on just to avoid change?<P>How do you know when you are to willing to adapt to much to the other person. Ie: bending vs compromising what you really want?<P>How do you know when it’s time to give up and move on?

The most important thing for me & many others here on this site is 'no contact'. As long as your WS is seeing the OM, it makes reconcilliation very difficult, for some downright impossible.<BR>To answer your questions:<BR>First you have to realize that you can survive without your W sharing in your life. Now picture your life without your W. Now picture your future with your W after the A. Knowing that you can have a rewarding life without her or you can have a happy life with her, which do you prefer? I think once you come to realize that you can survive, then it's not about avoiding change but it's about wanting to be with the person you love.<BR>2. It's not always about compromising. Sometimes you do things her way, sometimes your way & sometimes you compromise. It's about negotiating what you two can live with.<BR>3. Believe me you'll know. You stop asking that question when it's time to move on.

Welcome Tobor:<P>Although no contact is the ideal it appears that it is the exception to the general way things go with an A even if the WS wants to try and save the marriage. Separation from the OP can be difficult...but until it happens there is little progress that can be made on restoring the marriage.<P>I think your conflict with your WS's return to the marriage is based on your insecurity about her commitment...you don't want to be hurt again, so you keep her at arms length by imposing additional requirements for reconciliation. You're still unsure about whether this is what you want....and that's understandable...we've all had that feeling...on one hand you want them back but on the other hand things have changed and you're not sure this person is someone you can trust again not to hurt you.<P>I think that clinging to the familar is understandable...it's comfortable...but the A has changed things and they probably will never truly be the same again...and perhaps they shouldn't be...because something was wrong with the way it was. <P>Time to let go...no one can tell you when...but when the hurt you feel holding on is worse then the pain you feel letting go, perhaps it's time to let go. <P>I think you can continue to do what has been working...it may take time...but it sounds as if you are making progress...just go slow and don't expect too much too soon...of yourself or of her.<P>Angels & Prayers ~ Faye <P> <p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited November 17, 2000).]

Tobor -<P>I am a WS, so I kind of know what your wife is going through. As much as I didn't believe in no contact during the affair, now I know that my marriage depends on no contact with the OM. When I think back on my affair, I think of it as an addiction - only I wasn't adicted to alcohol or drugs, I was addicted to the feelings of affection, the new-found confidence in myself. In order to "break" my addiction with the OM - I had to commit to no contact. So far, I have been in recovery for almost 8 months, and it's been almost 6 months of absolutely no contact. Boy has my mind cleared, and I have a whole new perspective on my affair - on my addiction.<P>For me, seeing the OM is like giving an alcoholic free reign in a liquor store. Unless, he/she is totally committed to remaining alcohol-free, and he/she has a strong support system and strong feelings of self-worth - I'm afraid that the alcoholic will not only be tempted to take a sip, more than likely he/she will never stop until passing out.<P>My feeling is that your wife is still involved in the affair - and right now she doesn't want to end it because she still wants those feelings. Only by doing Plan A will you be able to attract her back to you and back into wanting to save your marriage.<P>Since I am on "the other side," I don't know how much is too much to put up with. I am the one who ended the affair in my case - primarily because I knew what I was doing was wrong, I couldn't take the guilt that come with lying and cheating behind my H's back, and I truly felt cheap and sleazy for doing so. Right now, your wife is at a point where she may not think that what she is doing is wrong (because it feels so right). I guess I always knew that what I was doing was wrong, and I never stopped loving my H.<P>I think the same is probably true for your wife. For whatever reasons, she turned to this OM - she had some needs that were not being fulfilled, and that's not necessarily your fault, but she turned to this OM. The trick is to get her to turn to you for support. I know it's hard, and you'll probably get a lot of good advice, but hang in there. There will be a time when your wife needs to make a decision to end the affair or to end your marriage (hopefully, it will be the first one). But, right now, she really sees the OM as her "knight in shining armor." I think when she realizes what she could stand to lose by continuing the affair - that may be enough for her to end it.<P>Ending an affair, going through withdrawl and committing to no contact is not easy. But, I am so gald that I chose that direction. I love my H so much, but we had just gotten to a point where we took each other for granted. Not, we're taking it one day at a time - marriage is a work in progress - so we're not rushing it.<P>But, the thing that turned it around for me, was that my H was and still is my best friend. He was my best friend first, and then my H - and that's what I needed during withdrawl - now it's kind of the other way around - he's my H first and best friend, too.<P>Anyway, I hope you get the answers to the questions you have, but really, only you know when it's been too much - when it's time to give up. If you have any doubts - then I don't think it's time to give up. Even if you love your wife just a little tiny bit - then you have to try and hang in there - I know better said than done.

Welcome, Tobor. You pose some very good questions. Ones that I have been wrestling with almost 18 months now.<P>My H reentered my life almost six months ago after having had a six month separation to "pursue his relationship with OW". He told me he wanted to reconcile and lead me to believe the affair was over. It wasn't and it's not. Our "recovery" is at a standstill. I am very close to throwing in the towel. It's almost as if he doesn't want me but he doesn't want anyone else to have me either. When we were separated, he called me daily, sometimes several times a day. Finally, he was driving up on his days off to see me every week. Then, after he returned, it wasn't very long before he emotionally shut down again. I have no idea what needs aren't being met, because he doesn't know either. Or, at least that's what he says. It's almost as if he's addicted to the hunt, then when he gets the object of his pursuit, he's not interested any more. I know he has some serious psychological problems, but I don't know if I'll live long enough for him to resolve them.<P>Someone at work told me that you reach a point where a little switch is pulled, then you know-- there's no going back. Others have told me you have to get to the point where you hate them. For me, I think the only way I'm going to completely detach is if I distance myself. I think that H instictively knows this because he refuses to move out. I can't because I've lost so much already, that losing my home would be the final blow for me. And, I'm not strong enough to force him out.<P>In the meantime, I feel like I am dying inside. When I reach out to hug him, it's like hugging a corpse. He gives me absolutely no affection. This morning when he got up, he said "Good Morning" to the cat and ignored me!! Sometimes, I think the only reason he came back is to torment me.<P>Yet, every once in a great while, he will toss me a little glimmer of hope. He switched his days off this week so that he can spend Thanksgiving with me. I suppose that's an improvement, considering that last year he spent it with OW and told me that "we could have ours on Friday"!!!<P>Some days, I seriously doubt my sanity for enduring this abuse, other days I wish I could start hating him. Yet, every time I begin to pull away, his "wall" comes down and I get a glimpse at the old H, his vulnerabilities, tenderness and all the traits that made me fall in love with him. Then, I melt.<P>If nothing else, just know that you are not alone in this horrible hell called-- Infidelity.

For me I did not contact my H I let him contact me. Each time he contacted me i let him see me. I figured if he contacted me that was a sign things where not ok with the OW. It seems to be working H has moved more stuff away from OW place has even brought me some stuff to store. Thats what has worked for me.