(Also posted in recovery)<P>I've been on and off of this site, and finally thought that my H and I were so far along in the healing process that I should minimize participation for a while on all of the boards I post on. Then this week - the bombshell. XOW sent me a big package containing a letter to me, as well as emails between she and my H.<P>My only comfort in this is that he actually lied to her *more* than he lied to me, if such a thing is possible. <BR>There were confirmations of things that I suspected. Such as, I suspected that the EMR went on long after H told me that there was no contact (second time I busted him having contact with her). Another really heart-smushing piece of info was that they'd already met *before* he randomly and capriciously left me, citing that the marriage was too bad and that I was "too crazy" to live with. In fact, all the while we were allegedly "trying" to work on our marriage, they were seeing each other behind my back.<P>My H took her out for a drink one night during our enforced separation period (his idea, not mine) right before we went to a marriage counseling session. He even emailed her something like, "Hope this doesn't creep you out too much, but I really need a beer." She told me that he was just going to placate me, and that he was trying to get me to sign divorce papers. Well, gee. Nice that I should know that he was trying for a divorce. From his end, he was begging me not to file on him. <P>I didn't need for this to happen. I've been sick all week about it. I cannot even begin to tell you how much this hurts, in retrospect. I'm not mad at the XOW, oddly enough. I think that she did me a favor. And like I said, I think that he lied to her so much that she actually believed him. <BR>I don't know if I even want to be married to him anymore. I knew that he was lying, but I had no clue as to how involved the XOW was in our life. It was as though they were discussing me as though I were some nasty piece of lint that they just couldn't pluck out. XOW is sorry now, she realizes that he lied to her and to me, and that both of us were being played. <P>I don't know what to do. H and I went through Retrouvaille recently (i suspect that one of H's and XOW's mutual friends told her about it), and I thought that I could put this behind me. Now I'm not so sure. It's like reliving the betrayal all over again. <P>Please help ...

Relived the betrayal myself many times. Do you think you can forgive him? If things are going good like you said, then them let continue in that direction. Remember he didn't do anything to sabotage the progress, the OW did. It's difficult but sometimes you have to let go of things. I know easier said than done - if only I could follow my own advice as quickly as I can type it!<BR>One thing I'm happy about - my H burned everything he had & took back everything he ever gave her. He wanted to purge himself of the affair & I'm sure he wanted nothing like this to happen to me.

Hi Belldandy,<P>Sorry you have to go through this again. It might be a good thing. At least you know where you stand. <P>Try not to do anything too hasty. Take the holidays just to process everything. Also, where do you think your H stands now? Is he working on the marriage? <P>Try and find out what you want. Time is on your side. Try not do anything rash. I am sorry you have to have a new discovery all over again. <P>((((((((((((bell)))))))))))))