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#893818 11/17/00 11:22 PM
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Ealier this year my wife had an Emotiional Affair over the internet. I found the stuff on her computer. I confronted her and found out she had already ended it. But she also had been getting a lot of emotional support from a male friend who also happened to be an ex lover(one night stand) and lives near by. Most of that support was over the internet and a few(2 or 3) times she sent emails that intimated that she might be interested in being lovers again. As best I know he never directly replied to those and basically never even acknowledged that she sent them. After doing the emotional needs work sheets from this sight and talking about our problems we started to try to work things out. But almost everday she had to post or reply to topics on a BB that he moderated and posted to. Finally after a couple of months of that I told her it was either me or him. (was that right?) Well for over a month she completely avoided him. But last Tuesday night while I was at class she emailed him and when I got home told me that she couldn't not talk to him any more and that she was going to leave me(but not for him). After Talking for hours we agreed to get counseling together. But she demanded that she needed some total privacy. And that she wanted to post to that board and talk to anyone, including him(she says that she cares deeply for him as a FRIEND, but that is all), and that I can never visit the BB and read any of her post. Reluctantly I agreed to those terms. I love her very much. And until Tuesday thought our relationship had been improving. Did I do the right thing? Should I have tried someting different? We have seen the counselor only once and of course the first visit is getting to know each other and just getting started. Does anyone out there have and opinions or advice? Thanx in advance. Pegasus. )<BR><p>[This message has been edited by pegasus (edited November 17, 2000).]

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I think you instincts to get this guy out of your wife's life are absolutly correct. This is of course very hard to do because you do not want her to leave or create any additional issues between the two of you. You want to say it is him or me and yet you want to let her know how much you love her.<P>I think that right now you have to decide what you can and can not live with and take some action on that. Rather than issue her an ultimatium tell her in a loving way how you feel.<P> If you don't think you can live with her posting to this guy (and I don't blame you one bit) tell her that you love her and that you understand that you can't ask her to stop posting but that you can't continue your relationship with her in the same way anymore. <P>You need to decide how you are comfortable proceeding if she does want to continue contact with him as well as if she does not.<P>Have you read other people's plan B letters? I am concerned that you agreed to let her keep posting and promised not to visit the site. Her actions on the site can only negatively effect your marriage. How can she ask you to ignor that since she is hurting you and your marriage so deeply? <BR>Acacia<P>

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pegasus Offline OP
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I don't think she sees anything wrong with what she is doing. She says he is just a really good friend. And I don't want to make things worse because I'm afraid that she will just give up. But I do think that you shouldn't spend a lot of time talking to old lovers when you are in a relationship or mariage. I don't know what is best for us. I love her more than anything and don't want to lose her. But she says she has to have space and privacy. That she hasn't had any of that for the last 4 months. And she won't come her and talk about her feelings because she says everyone will just rip into her because she was the betraying spouse. Thanx for the advice though. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>

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pegasus Offline OP
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Just moving it to the top<BR>

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If your wife is not having an affair, why does she need total privacy? There should be no secrets between spouses, especially when it comes to friendships between members of the opposite sex. If her friendship is innocent, then she has nothing to hide, and shouldn't worry about whether or not you read her posts.<P>My gut feeling is that you might want to reconsider "her terms" - while I can promise that if she were to come here to post we would NOT "rip into her" we would certainly let her know that she should not be dictating terms at all. Neither spouse should dictate terms in that manner.<P>However, since she has agreed to go to counseling, perhaps you should wait until you have the benefit of a professional to aid and guide you. Does your counselor have a good success rate for marriage counseling? Is your counselor a trained marriage and family therapist? So many therapists have no real training in relationship counseling - and they can cause more harm than good in many cases.<P>Read everything you can on this site - pick up books and read read read... You cannot know too much about marriage.<P>Good luck.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

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pegasus Offline OP
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Terri. The problem is if I were to go to that site, she would be out the door. She has told me that she can't not have him in her life. That she loves him. She says she is not IN LOVE with him, that she is in love with me but not as much as she used to be. Also she says she is having a hard time forgiving me for what I did by not being there and that she doesn't believe that I can stay the way I have become. So what do I do?<BR>

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pegasus Offline OP
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[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>

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I know she tells you that she is just friends with this guy. But I think you know that when she tells you that she can't not see this guy and that she loves him ...mixed with thier romantic past, I know you know in your heart that this is a big problem.<P>She knows to...but she is tryiing to convince herself otherwise. Try to make her see her own contridictions. If the roles were reversed would she be comfortable with you e-mailing your x-lover and asking her not to look a the posts etc... Lop on top of that the I love her comment and I don't feel that same way about you. I mean really! <P>She sees it. She just does not want to admit it. She is lost and at this moment she may not be able to find her way back. But hang in there. It is very typical behavior.<P>She is entitled to delude herself over this. She is an adult and able to make her own choices...even very bad ones. You can't stop her, you can only do two things (in my opinion).<P>1.Ask her to respect your feelings regardless of what her relationship is with this guy.<P>You can ask her to stop because this is hurting you and that you love her and the pain of her communicating with an x-lover is breaking your heart. <P>Even if they are only friends that fact should be irrelivent here. This is hurting you and if she cares about you ask her to resepct your feelings and stop! Tell you you will redouble your efforts to work on the marriage and that you love her deeply but that you just can't accept this guy in her life. It is simply to painful for you and you hope that she understands that.<P><BR>2. If she does not stop (and I would think that is is a distinct possibility) you really do need to decide what you want at this moment. <P>I am not suggesting divorce but you may want to do a plan B no contact letter. Also please get a copy of James Dobson's Love must be Tough book. It adresses situations just like this and was a real help to me.<P>Ask yourself this. Why would your wife stop her relationship with this guy now? There are no consequences to her if she continues it. She is using leaving you as a ploy to keep you there. Think about that... Maybe she really wants you there too if she is playing this game with you!!! She is lost and she needs some help.<P>Make sure you get a counclor that is a marraige and family councelor. It makes a big difference. We found on an association web page. I think it is Association of Marriage and Family councelors...or something similar.<P>We used a different councelor at first with out the marriage and family training. It was a waste of money. Only when we found someone with marriage experience did thinkg really begin to work out for us.<P>Good luck and keep us posted.<P>Acacia

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Have you asked her what she would do if you were the no doing this?

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pegasus Offline OP
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Thanx for the post everyone. I don't want to do a Plan B yet. We are still talking and communicating and even sometimes being amourous. But will be thinking very hard on what you said. Thanx.<BR>

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pegasus Offline OP
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It's weird that there sre so many approaches to the same subject. I went to the Divorce busters website <A HREF="http://www.weiner-davis.com/cgi-bin/Ultimate.cgi" TARGET=_blank>http://www.weiner-davis.com/cgi-bin/Ultimate.cgi</A> and they have a different take on the subject. I just want my wife and I to be able to work it out and be happy again.

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pegasus Offline OP
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??<BR>


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