A few months back, my wife almost let an EA turn into a PA. She says that if she had slept with him, she would have left me. <BR>Not to be with him, but because she would have felt so "ashamed and unworthy to be my wife".<P>I've read similar things on this board. I don't get it! Is it not like cutting your nose off, to spite your face?<P>Can I get a different perspective on this?<BR>

I can try and explain it, I think. When my H left me, moved in with the OW and had his EMR, I had plenty of offers that were very tantalizing. But I knew that if I got engaged with any of them, the whole deal was lost. Despite what my H had done, I could have never looked him in the eye again.<P>If he hadn't cheated, multiply this feeling times 100. If my H had been a non-cheater, I would feel so guilty and unworthy and downright evil just to be around him, that I think I would have had to leave him. Not for any OM, though ... simply because I would have loved him so much that I would have felt that he deserved someone better. <P>One thing to remember is that people who get involved with EAs and PAs are sometimes very insecure, depressed, and have little self-esteem. They don't love themselves enough to see that there are more practical answers and responses. During H's EMR, I was at an all-time, suicidal, pond scum low. If the mentality of a WS is anything like that, then they don't have a lot of self-love.<P>Hope this explains ... BTW, I think that what your W said shows that she has the utmost respect for you. She's not taking this lightly. She is beating herself up inside.<P>blessings,<P>belld

BWWIV<P>I really respect your wife - not that she had an EA, but that she had enough self-control and respect NOT to have it turn into a PA. I am SOOOOOO glad she was able to reach out to you. That says alot about how much she really does love you, and trusts you. It says alot about your marriage, too. But more importantly, it says a lot about your wife.<P>I am a WS. I however, let the EA evolve into a PA - not only once but twice with the same man. On a daily basis, I fought this internal battle inside me - to do the right thing or to do what felt right. I was a mess. At the time, I didn't know whether my H and I could ever work it out, but my H has been absolutely amazing. We've been in recovery for almost 8 months now, and were doing really well.<P>But, I went through some really hard times emotionally. What little self-respect I had before the affair - it was completely shattered after the affair. I knew what was right and wrong, I knew that I loved my H, I knew that the A was a horrible, horrible mistake, but I couldn't say "no," and it continued to snowball. When it did turn physical - and the lines there are kind of gray, but when it turned physical, I was filled with so much guilt and remorse. I felt cheap, dirty, unworthiy of my H's or anyone elses's love. I really was deperate, and desperate people do desperate things.<P>Luckily, the one smart thing that I did was realize that I absolutely could not get out of this mess I had created on my own. I needed God's help and my H's support. If I wouldn't have had my H to support me, I really would not be here today - posting or doing anything else.<P>See, even though I didn't have a lot of self- esteem or self-respect (you could even say I didn't like myself so muc), I still had a conscience. I'm still having trouble forgiving myself - even though I know I have been forgiven by God and my H. Maybe its pride, maybe it's something else I don't know, but go home and hug your wife today. At one time, I tried to reach out to my H - but I did it in the wrong way.<P>Don't worry about the past - that if it had gone physical she would have left you. I almost left my H - I also almost took my own life. Your wife didn't do any of those things - she reached out to you! You must be one special person for her to have done that. Don't get me wrong, I loved my H, and he has been absolutely wonderful, but I didn't have the courage to do what your wife did - she reached out to you and prevented a second nightmare from occurring. That really, really says alot about her - be thankful for that. She's one courageous lady. She's also got a lot of self-control, probably a lot more self-respect than I did - and that's important.<P>Good luck to both of you. Don't focus on what might have been - you are at a far better place than that. You have more important things to focus on and rejoice in - then to worry about what might have happened. It didn't - so take each day as it comes, and be happy that you have another day to share with each other.

Thanks for your insights. <P>Sometimes, its like a woman just "knows" because of her being more in touch with her feelings, while a man has to sorta fiqure things out according to his thinking and logic.<P>My wife is on a rough rotation right now. Only two days off this month, and 36 hour days every 4th night. It's times like this that I get depressed and start thinking about all the "what ifs". I know I should let them go and move on. She will be back home for good next July and I can't hardly wait.<P>Thanks again <P> <BR>