Well friends this has not taken me completely by sur[rise. Here i am thinking about mmoving from Plan a to Plan B and he has already decided to move out ! Last Friday am I left him a loving and caring message which seems to have unleashed all sorts of feelings that i dont understand. He has been very sad and very tired and tonight finally talked to me - and left a letter reiterating his words. He is very unhappy about the grief and unhappiness he has caused; I could not have done more to restore a loving and caring relationship; he loves me but doesnt feel we could ever have the sort of relationshipwe once shared; says "to much has been said and done"; thank God for Plan A/B - I had thought about a number of the issues and was able toremain calm (but tearful) - said he had to do what was best for him; apologised for my part in our unhappiness; said it is not what I want but would not argue against him leaving; told him I would prefer no contact this time (we have separated a number of times during the past two years); he said he had not seen OW "for months" - but I know he has phoned her several times and told him I really wanted him to recommit to us but I thought that was never possible "if" he remained in contact with OW. We hugged; we both cried; and he told me I am the most important person in his life and that he loves me but that he needed to be on his own. Now to my question - I told him that I would prefer "no contact"; he was very upset by that. Did I do right ? He says I have been very understanding, loving and supportive - "no-one could have done more"; I am ready to make the break but I wonder whether I should have stayed in contact ?<P>What do you think.<P>R

I think you handled it well. <BR>He won't be gone long, be thinking of which direction you need to go when he comes back or calls.

Let's say you consider this Plan B.<P>I believe that means no contact. If you have children, contact should be made through a third party. I dont have to book next to me so I would check on how to handle the possibility of him coming back.<P>cleo

I think you have done the right thing. I let my H contact me, unless out 15 month old S has something wrong and alot of times I still do not call even if S is sick.

Be as dignified as you can..... be as strong as you can..... and NO CONTACT ...... let him miss you ........<P>No contact...... it's time. You're ready. Life will go on without him. You will hurt, then, you will heal...... be open to the world that awaits. Do not settle for less than you're worth. You gave it your all. Now step back and wait. Your love is valuable. He will miss you. <P>The REAL question is:<P>Is HE man enough for you???????????<P><BR>....... time will tell.<P>Love to you.<P>------------------<BR>~*~*Yesterday~*~*<BR>all my problems seemed so far away~*<p>[This message has been edited by Yesterday (edited November 19, 2000).]

Thankyou for yur messages. I am feeling very sad but not devastated. Bit of a problem abuthow/what I tell the friends we had planned to go away with next w/end - I guess i wil figure it out. I wish I had discovered MB a long time ago. It has given me enormous strength. I actually feel a great deal of compassion for my H. I wish he would let me hold him and nurture him back to peace of mind. During the day it slowly dawned on me that what he is feeling is possibly deep remorse - and he feels very sorry for himself; told me last night that his greatest regret in life is that he seems not to be able to sustain a loving relationship (referring to his first marriage) and that he feared he would end up "a lonely old man". It is just heartbreaking to see someone who has done and achieved so much withdraw so totally into himself. I really hope he acts on my suggestion that he get treatment for depression. His upbringing (including the military) would have him believe that is "weak". I am rambling on now but I cant help but wonder whether some of the "late life crisis" is to do with his Vietnam experience. I am not looking for excuses just trying to understand him better. Anyone out there who knows about post Vietnam (or similar) experience. (ooops - just realised that many of you will be too young !!!!!).<P>Thanks for your friendship.<P>R