A few months ago my H and the OW took our preschooler and got all of her beautiful curls cut off. I found out about it when he sent me an email with her picture, taken with the brand new digital camera he bought immediately after the hair appointment. It was finally beginning to grow out, though I think the curls are gone forever. She has been saying for weeks that she wants her hair long like her sisters', that she doesn't like her short hair. In addition, she seemed to have gotten it in her head that if her hair were short, she would turn into a boy. I just hope she doesn't really believe that. Yesterday he got it cut again, even shorter this time. This is the man who never wanted me to get my hair cut, who always said he liked long hair. <P>I can't bear to look at her without a hat on. Every other WS who leaves for the other woman either completely ignores his kids, or calls and sees them regularly, and tries to co-parent. Why do I have the only one who stays in their lives just enough to control them?<P>

Nellie,<BR>As someone with 2 daughters who both are either wanting to get their hair cut...or growing it out from the haircut that wasn't *really* what they wanted, I can only commisserate.<P>Obviously, and I'm sure you have done this, let him know you'd prefer that he didn't get the girls' hair cut when he has them. My first thought was that there had probably been crying and screaming when dealing with the child's hair. And your daughter might have cried too (meaning it was H or OW crying...small joke). I know I took the girls for a couple haircuts that they didn't particularly want when they couldn't take care of their hair, and neither could I (I've got rheumatoid arthritis in my hands that made it difficult.) I had to get my own hair cut a few times for the same reason, and I *love* my hair long.<P>And for your daughter, tell her she looks wonderful, and isn't it nice that it doesn't hurt so much now when you comb it out. And when she is old enough to take care of it herself, she can have it anyway she wants.<P>I wish I was of more help, but if he didn't do it for convenience, it's a control issue, and you already know you have to pick your battles.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

Nellie,<P>What did your daughter say after the second haircut? Is she upset about it?<P>I am not a child psychologist, but something doesn't sound right to me. Is there any possibility that OW is the driving force behind the haircuts? That she knows your daughter doesn't want short hair, but she's manipulating your H to do it anyway as a means to get back at you??<P>If I was you, I would be concerned about the motive here, and the possibility that your daughter is being used as a pawn. Be sure to jot all this stuff down, and mention it to your attorney. And, if you are concerned about what this is doing to your daughter, schedule an appointment with a child psychologist.

Nellie,<P>I agree with Lor. The more attention you pay to her hair the more your husband will have it cut.I know it is hard but try thanking him for getting it cut because it is so much easier to care for. Kill him with kindness. Your daughter may have wanted her hair cut to begin with because it hurt to have it brushed. When she found out that Momma didn't like it she may have changed her mine.<BR>Remember our children are caught in the middle. They want to please both parents. I agree to tell her it is pretty. Don't put any stress on her. God told us to return evil with good. I had to learn this the hard way myself. Just be nice about it and he may not have it cut again and maybe your daughter will learn to take better care of her hair. Anyway your daughter will feel better about the situation. If you have any hope of restoring your marriage please don't <BR>go against her father's behavior in front of your daughter. It will not help your marriage or your daughter. She must think good of both parents no matter what. I hope I have not offended you. My heart goes out to you Nellie. I know how you feel.<BR>May God bless you,<BR>gentle

Nellie,<BR>....H willcontinuetry to get to you...and this you have to deflect...<BR>1)Tellyour d how beautiful she is with both long and short hair....and do not make a big dealof it with her....orany of the other kids.<BR>2)Let H know in no uncertain terms thatwhenever he engages in making choices for the kids which affect their esteem,then he needs to consult with you before any of this can happen. The kids live with you. He sees them infrequently and should not do anything with them or to them that is in any way questionable and damaging to their relationship with him or their self esteem.<P><BR>3 And let him know that your children need the money for food,not haircuts! Can your lawyer use this in any way?<P>When my H pulled a stuntlike this...bought unsuitable bras for d,this was the first timemy lawyer really let him have it...and brought into question his insensitivity about so many things that he will not pull a similar stunt. I am blamed by d for this as her dad tells her "he is not allowed to as I will call my lawyer", But I do not care. Hecannot overstep bounds when the kids are concerned...<P>What do your other children think?<BR>Is he still taking them separately and apart?<P>

Lor,<P>When her hair was long, it occasionally got tangled, but this time it was still quite short, without a sign of a tangle. There was absolutely no practical reason to have it cut. It was just getting long enough so that it looked half way decent. <P>Interestingly, our 8 year old, who was there too, apparently was told by the OW that she didn't need a haircut - even though her hair is much longer and does tangle (since she chews on it) - and it wouldn't hurt to cut her split ends off. <P>sidney,<P>Our daughter's verbal skills are not great, so she likely didn't say much. I have no idea whether they know she doesn't want short hair or not, and they probably didn't ask her. She has little concept of the passage of time yet, and she would have no idea how long it takes to grow her hair long again. <P>Sweetpea,<P>He is of the opinion that since we have joint legal custody, he can do whatever he wishes with the kids when he has them. I had to put up a fight to keep him from excluding me from medical/educational evaluations that he scheduled for them - but that wasn't too hard because his lawyer agreed that he couldn't do that. <P>Of course he would claim the OW had nothing to do with the decision to get her hair cut..<P>Yes, he needs a job. I believe that he has applied for a number of them, I know he has had interviews - but there is some reason he hasn't been offered any - and I suspect that it isn't all because of his age, or the fact that they don't want to pay him what he used to earn, or that he doesn't have the right skills. <P>gentile,<P>In this case, as I mentioned above, it was not a matter of tangles. Unfortunately, my experience has been with him that if I return evil with kindness, he just ups the ante.<P>willbok,<P>Well, the 8 year old told them that she hated the haircut because it was too short. He is required by the separation agreement to consult with me before major decisions are made (and vice versa) - he would probably deny that this was major. <P>

I don't know Nellie, but this sounds like more of the OW at work here. Is this the same child that cannot sleep over until she learns to (don't remember the stipulation)?<P>I think OW has some issues w/control and for some reason is using some of them w/this particular child. Joint custody or not, I'm sure she knows that you, as the mother, would want some input on decisions. (BTW, I think she and your H thought this was a MAJOR decision or else, why the picture so proudly sent immediately afterward?)<P>If I were in her shoes, knowing that I'm w/your husband and that you will always be these children's mother, I would make it a point to communicate w/you on decisions (and not purposely exclude you). This would show my "good faith" to your children and respect for you as their mother. If nothing else, I would encourage HIM to do so.<P>Unfortunately, it doesn't seem that your H can see the error of her ways and that she is acting in "bad faith" This appears to make it even more difficult to reason w/him. Since he likely won't acknowledge her part in decision-making, just suggest to him that decisions will be between you and him. <P>Good Luck,<BR>Enlightened<P>

Yes, this is the same child who is not allowed to visit overnight - actually he won't let any of them visit overnight because it would "be unfair." Yeah, right. Once she has satisfied those criteria, he/she will think of some other reason. Our son said that when he asked his father why, his father said that the last time she was there, he was up till 11 with her, and if he stays up that late then he won't wake up in the morning till 10! <P>The OW is not concerned about "good faith." This is a woman who hung up on me the one time I called to talk to my H in about a year, to tell him of a change in plans that affected when he was bringing the kids home. <P>My daughter's hair looks like they stopped cutting the bangs half way through - I wonder if my daughter was objecting.<P>I don't like it when my preschooler comes home with dark purple nail polish, but at least that comes off. I didn't like it when the OW's 12 year old was looking at a porn site while my 14 year old son was there - but at least my son was not happy about it either. <P>I just wonder how long my H will allow her to control him before he starts fighting back - most likely passive-aggressively.

Dear Nellie,<P>I really think you have to document all these and present them to the lawyers because when you coparent, there must be consistency in the values you teach or the kids will be badly affected.<P>May God bless you and your children and help you in this difficult period.<P>Take care<BR>weep

weep,<P>How can we teach consistent values when we apparently no longer share the same values, although we used to?

Dear Nellie,<P>You can request for counselling to sort out the custody issues. I think you have already stated that your lawyer and your H's lawyer have commented that there are issues with regards the way your H treats the children. I think you may be able to persuade the lawyer to ensure that certain stuff are done on your side - eg, haircuts, clothes, etc. and who foots the bill, etc.. I am concerned that when children are allowed too much lax as to what adults can do with them, their boundaries are not well-defined and that can cause them to have problems in the area of being too trusting, too afraid of adults, etc..<P>Please ensure that a schedule of things to be done, and timing for visitations, and all big and small issues are sorted out between the two of you. The children would need help to understand the issues and to know the boundaries so that they have some semblance of routine and direction.<P>Take care<BR>weep