I hope this question isn't too personal, but it's been really bothering me a lot lately. I've been trying to access whether there is any hope for our marriage.<P>Right after discovery, H told me that he doesn't "desire" me. It was like rubbing salt into an already gaping wound to hear that. But, I didn't overreact. <P>I have always figured that the reason he feels that way is because he is caught up in the affair. I don't think my H is the type to be able to carry on more than one EA/PA at a time.<P>Now, I'm having lots of doubts as to the reason he can't seem to give up the affair. We wound up doing a role reversal a few years back, when he had difficulty finding a job that would support us. He eventually developed such a fear of rejection in the job hunting process, that he just gave up and stopped working altogether. I ended up being the primary/only breadwinner, and I didn't like it at all. I would 'encourage' him to apply for jobs that I felt he might like & which he could qualify for. I NEVER berrated him or put him down, but the more rejections he got, the more his self esteem was shredded. I think that he associated the feeling of rejection with ME. Of course, at the time all this was happening, he never said a word about how he was feeling. He just buried it all inside.<P>I know that H feels a lot of anger towards me, & that can definitely put a damper on any amorous feelings. I've tried many times to get him to open up and explore those feelings with me, but he just can't seem to get past the guilt. He always tells me he has "no reason" to be angry with me.<P>Shortly after discovery, I saw a therapist a few times, and one of the things he said to me at the very first session was that H probably feels emasculated. H is a very traditional type of guy & I'm sure it's been demoralizing to him to have to be supported by me.<P>All along, I've really tried to be positive and I make a point of telling H that I appreciate all he does for me. And, compliment him on things he accomplishes. But, it's like it falls on deaf ears, because he can't seem to believe it himself. He constantly puts himself down.<P>Sorry this is so long. But, I'm wondering if perhaps the reason H won't/can't give up OW is because in doing so, he'd have to give up sex. I know he really loves me, & I do think he's really trying, but this problem just feels so insurmountable. I'm feeling very hopeless tonight.<P>So, I'm just wondering if anyone else out there has had this sort of problem, and if they found any way to solve it??<P> <BR>

sidney,<P>I don't know your whole situation, and probably don't have much insight into what you are wondering about. But, I wanted to reply and just tell you that in my opinion, this thing about not having desire for you isn't something that I'd focus on right now. My wife hasn't mentioned having any desire for me in the past 5 months, since she suddenly wanted to separate. Once I found out there was OM, I didn't really question the issue of desire, because unfortunately her desire is not for me right now. It hurts to think about it, but I just figure that desire will come back if/when the "fog" clears and we (or you as well) both make a commitment to the marriage.<P>In the meantime, I just Plan A. See some signs, but lots of frustration too. Although it is hard to fathom sometimes, what our WS do and say when they have someone else is just so hard to understand, that I'd work on everything else and try to forget about the desire thing. I've heard so much negative stuff about our marriage, and if I was to believe it all, I'd have quit already. The good thing is it matches what everyone else hears as well, so I know I'm not alone, and neither are you. There is always hope.<P>

Hi Rick,<P>Thanks for the encouragement. It's so hard to NOT get dragged down into the abyss sometimes. My H can be so negative, and then to top it off, I seem to be his chosen and very convenient whipping post. When he has a bad day at work, he takes it out on me. It's amazing how they can rewrite history, isn't it? Shortly after discovery, H told me that we hadn't had sex for two years. I was dumbfounded because it just wasn't true. Then, he will insist that he told me something, when he didn't. I chalk that up as he probably told OW, and he's getting confused.<P>I hope and pray that things work out for you and your wife.

Sidney, My H said the same thing about sex. When the A started he told me that he didn't remember making love to me at all. Gee, that felt real good. Especially since we had recently come back from a vacation and he had counted up all the times we made love in the previous years...which was really frequent.<P>But my H also seemed to have the "soul mate" "cosmic connnection" type of affair in which he was cheating on OW if he showed me any affection. <P>My H pretty much has relived the early part of our relationship (which was very physical) with OW. I'm wondering if he was just infatuated with me also. Actually, it's what I thought when we began dating. I even commented about it to him. My H must simply "imprint" onto the person who he is intimate with. Perhaps he cannot become emotionally involved beyond that. It's a very sad state to be in.<P>My H can't seem to believe that his relationship with OW has anything to do with his disconnection to me and the kids. He still works with her and she is pregant. Everyone is disgusted and yet he still looks as if he has no idea how he got to this place.<P>Any complaints about our marraige were pretty benign. Things that either were completely innaccurate or plain silly. I pretty much decided early on that I was not going to tell him anything. I decided that this one was one for him to figure out...or NOT. I worried about what effects the OW and her manipulations and blatant behavior would do to my H's reputation...but even that doesn't seem to be effecting him (on the outside). It really becomes difficult to believe in someone who does not believe in himself.<P>My H has a pattern in his life of walking out of things and relationships. It amazes me that he doesn't SEE the pattern. He seems to have a difficult time "painting" himself into the picture.<P>He has been in individual counseling since he left... but I wonder if the counselor feels like hitting himn over the head with a 2X4 like the rest of us do.

sidney,<P>My H admitted that he can't separate his feelings about our finances from his feelings about me. I was horrified about the way he rewrote history about a lot of things. He actually told me that he couldn't trust me because I had promised to go back to work when the kids were older and I "never did." (the little one was still 2 when the affair began). I have trouble imagining him using that as an excuse - "Oh, yeah, my wife sat around all day, doing nothing but taking care of our toddler with special needs and homeschooling 5 kids." He has completely rewritten history.

Speaking for my husband--he did NOT loose any desire for me before during or after his physical encounters with Miss Kitty. I, however, don't really find that to be commendable. I mean, YUCK! I've got her cooties, she's got my cooties. I thank God that's all I got was cooties.